Be Irresistible, Click Here Clinical Psychologist Orion Taraban @psychacks on what men misunderstand about what an "equal"...
Clinical Psychologist Orion Taraban @psychacks on what men misunderstand about what an "equal" relationship means.
to the extent that it's true that women find men who are wealthy and professionally successful attractive then they might think oh well if I find that attractive in a man then perhaps a man will find that attractive in me combine that with the idea that I'm looking for my equal women who pursue that path are often not very successful in the sexual Marketplace I think it's safe to say that you bring a lot of hard truths to men a lot of things about female psychology that they don't realize and maybe they should have realized a long time ago so what would you say that women are attracted or what kind of man are women attracted to oo wow so we know that attraction is both a very personal decision based on your experiences and your goals but it's also informed by let's say certain biological realities so attraction is a mix of things that are culturally influenced and biologically determined mediated by personal experience and preference so it's very difficult to say this man is what all women want and that's why this space can be so contentious because anytime you get more particular about it someone will say well that doesn't sound good to me or that's not what I'm looking for as if that invalidates the entire uh let's say archetype um but in general we know that individually if you control for all other things women will select this quality over this other quality like in general if all of the things are being equal every other part of a man's personality lifestyle and presentation are exactly the same and one guy's significantly wealthier than the other they're going to choose the wealthier guy because why not choose the wealthier guy if two guys are completely identical in all the respects but one guy is 62 and the other guy is 5'4 why not choose the 62 guy so we do know that by examining things in that peac meal way that women typically want men who are a little bit older who are stronger who are taller who make more money who are a higher status who are more successful and are capable of inviting them into an emotionally compelling lifestyle that's part of what women are attracted to what they want also depends on their goals contrary to popular belief some women just want to some women just want to have sex um and when they're looking for that they prioritize a different subset of qualities than when they're looking to say get married and settle down so what a woman is looking for depends on what she wants MH I noticed a lot of when you were giving the description of what they're attracted to or what women are attract to there's a lot of Moors in there mhm a man who's more successful than them financially a man who's taller than them who's more capable what what do you think about Equitable marriages or or uh marriages based on Equity is that is that the term they're using now you mean like 50-50 relationships where I want to marry my equal that kind of a thing yes well I think that they'll only work for a very small subset of people and those people need to be very committed to those ideals and they need to be excellent communicators and negotiators which most people are not so what I've learned is that most women don't actually want 50-50 relationships and it's actually pretty easy to ex to understand why in our culture it It's Not Unusual if a man were to pay for everything you know what no one would think that that was strange um so a 50-50 relationship probably is this enormous discount for a man to enter into a relationship because he could be expected to pay up to 100% by the same token in our culture no one would look a scance if a woman was paying 0% or investing 0% because and she's investing zero if the guy's investing 100 and she probably won't go much past 50% investment like the idea that a woman is going to be paying for 7030 of a relationship a woman's just going to look at that Arrangement and think this isn't worth it for me you know this is a net loss to my necessarily limited resources so 50 is like as far as she'll go in that relationship and that's why the 50/50 thing doesn't work because even though it is fair it doesn't feel Fair it's an enormous discount on what might be culturally expected of the man and it's kind of like as as much as a woman is willing to take on within the cultural expectations within that relationship so what feels fair is not always what is fair and vice versa another the other part of this is to try to find your equal this is something that really tripped me up when I was younger I was um very much interested in finding a woman who could meet me intellectually let's put it that way and I was interested in quantum mechanics and esoteric spirituality and Shakespearean literature and I just kept getting disappointed by the conversations that I was having with the women that I was dating and I thought I just I just can't see myself in this relationship and I potentially disqualified women that I could have had very satisfying relationships with on that ground I remember I explained the situation to one of my mentors many many years ago and he just looked at me incredulously and said Orion why do you need to talk to a woman about quantum mechanics it's like do you need a woman for that it's like this light bulb went off on the top of my head and it's and I thought you know what if I want to talk about quantum mechanics I can find someone else to talk about quantum mechanics so I don't necessarily need that from my intimate romantic partner so the idea that I need someone to meet me intellectually or who has the same depth of feeling as I do or who is interested in the kinds of things that I'm interested in all of that is nonsense to me and it gets in people's way more often than it helps them to find satisfying relationship Partners is there a kind of Common Thread that is intersecting the relationship problems you're seeing with your male clients well I do talk I I made a couple episodes recently about men and women's biggest enemies and the way I see it in today's sexual Marketplace women's greatest enemy is their pride and men's greatest enemy is their cowardice and that cowardice because you asked about men is expressed in a number of different ways from just I'm too terrified to approach a woman or to express my sexual attraction to I am too terrified to because of its social implications to take the lead in this relationship and or Andor to be the head of the family that that's uh potentially oppressive that that is sexist that that is a deviation from the 50-50 relationship of the way that things should look in an equitable partnership I mean partnership is already kind of a it's a word that carries a lot of difficult connotations because it does suggest that kind of like 50-50 thing and most women don't want a 50-50 thing most women want a relationship that significantly improves their lives because they can get that what do you think they mean by 50/50 then like some part of them has to know that they want they like I want to a husband who's disproportionately better than me but the relationship needs to be 5050 like what do you think is the expectation the expectation is that I want 5050 share in sort of the decision making and let's say I want to be an equal stakeholder when it comes to vote but I don't necessarily want to have an equal share of the responsibilities for governing maintaining directing and executing the relationship and this is tricky I mean it's kind of why in the United States we have two branches of Congress we have the Senate and the House of Representatives in the Senate every state has two senators so that way the big states don't just completely make the small states irrelevant mhm but that's ridiculous so you can't have a state like Wyoming which has less than a million people have equal to completely equal parity with a state like California that has I don't know like 50 times the number of people that would be incredibly unfair be disproportionately would make Wyoming disproportionately powerful and California disproportionately power less so you need both like there is a sense that men and women are are equal partners and should be treated as such but there is a sense that you know he or she who pays the piper calls the tune and if you're investing more in the relationship you should have a greater say in the decision-making of that relationship like both things are true now how to navigate that in a relationship is very difficult we do it in Congress by actually having different people fulfill those different roles in different branches of Congress um so It's tricky to do when if if it was just a unicameral Congress is supposed to a bamal does that make sense yeah yeah well one thing that I I did mention in that episode is that once I personally made the decision that I was going to move forward in my interactions with women in a romantic context in the sense that I was no longer going to be interested in in figuring out what they want this is going to sound bad but kind of like what they want is irrelevant I need to be clear about what I want want and I need to be on my mission and about creating and manifesting that in my life and to the extent that I'm successful I will have an emotionally compelling lifestyle I will have a successful career I will have a high status profession I will be happy personally I'll be healthy I'll be like in my I'll be thriving because I'm doing what works for me and what I know that I and manifesting what I know that I want and I make that VIs I to other women and then women get to kind of self select in or not and a lot of women they're going to see that and they're going to be like nope it's not exactly what I want or that's not at all what I want and they'll just pass me by it's totally fine but the idea that I'm going to go through all of that work just so that I can surrender it over to a woman who might just show up is I mean that's absurd that's never going to happen so I'm very much in the driver's seat in my relationships and I allow and like the do always open so at any time this doesn't work you can you can leave but like you're the passenger I'm the driver because I built the car I know how to drive it I know how it operates better than anybody um so as long as this works for you let's let's drive together but I'm not a taxi cab you don't just get to show up and tell me where we're going like that's that makes you disproportionately powerful does that make sense and I think I think it took some courage on my part to basically say I'm forgoing the strategy of trying to enter into a sexual relationship with a woman by catering to her desires which I think is what most guys start off doing because on some level that's what Hollywood or their culture teaches them or that's kind of the misguided advice that they get from other women or uh the men in their lives who often don't know what they're doing either yeah that that was uh my misconception up until probably say my early 20s wasum oh I just have to like make her the purpose oh no don't do that it was like it was like make her the purpose like respect goes down and it did not work out because women don't really want to be the center of your life that is also way too much power for them and you'd have to kind of already be somewhat narcissistic to desire that amount of power and so there's some women out there there's some men out there who desire that kind of uh that degree of control over other people um but no they they want to they want to be able to like look up to a man and that man is generally looking at something else that man is generally looking at something else not down at the woman yeah I hear that's supposed to be one of the one of the effective dating profile pictures is basically you have a guy looking at the camera and then you have an adoring woman looking up at him and that's supposed to be really effective oh man it's like pict all the old Hollywood posters used to do this before we got um infected with wokeism like look at the old Star Wars poster do you remember that one can you picture in your mind between his legs on the floor yep that's his sister you know and so Leia's like curled around one of Luke's legs looking up at him and Luke has the phallic lightsaber and he's looking up at the stars and it's like that's a posture that existed in almost every action adventure movie from that era yeah yeah speaking of that what do you think the um so there's been kind of like a gradient ramping us up to the current wokeness and I think along the way was a lot of this oh men you should you're not supposed to be stronger more competent whatever than a woman you're supposed to be equal and so do you think that has something to do with men's lack of Courage like they were talked out of being courageous surely there's all these other peripheral factors like if you're watching porn all the time you never have to muster up the courage to actually talk to a woman I mean yeah from a very young age I was taught men and women are equal men and women are equal men and women are equal and that can be interpreted as in many many different ways the the correct interpretation in my opinion is to understand like the way that we use that language in say the Declaration of Independence which is that all man all men like the human race men and women all men are created equal like we're all equal before some sort of higher authority that from a spiritual level no one person's life has more value or dignity than any other person's life but when we get down to to this Earthly realm where people have to make decisions using limited resources some people are absolutely more valuable than others and that depends on your goals it's like if your toilet is clogged a plumber is much more valuable than a cardiologist in that moment do you understand and even among all plumbers some are going to be more valuable than others to you some's going to have you know this one has 8 festar reviews this one has two this one is three times more expensive this one is more affordable so it's like there's going to be better options for you given your re resources and your goals at the present moment okay so I think when you teach kids that men and women are equal what they often hear is that men and women are the same because that's another interpretation of equality like when we say 1 + 2 equals 3 we're basically saying that those two mathematical propositions are interchangeable that we can we can commute them around and we don't lose any truth that statement is the same backwards and forwards that's what equality is from a logical perspective right and so I think what that has potentially done culturally is kind of made men more feminine and women more masculine and I believe that that has made that has created some opportunities for the sexual Marketplace but it's mostly created confusion and liabilities and do you think that makes us less attracted to each other cuz me personally I don't sure want a more masculine woman yeah so sometimes there's this failure of interex understanding so for example like we were talking about earlier to the extent that it's true that women find men who are wealthy and professionally successful attractive or more attractive than men who are less wealthy and less successful all the things being equal then they might think oh well if I find that attractive in a man then perhaps a man will find that attractive in me so I'm going to prioritize becoming high powerered and high earning and high status and combine that with the idea that I'm looking for my equal um these women who pursue that path are often not very successful in the sexual Marketplace because generally by the time they're able to get access to those equally powerful High status men they're much older and those powerful High status men don't want to wife up women in their late 30s or early 40s especially if they can get someone much younger who is a more attractive reproductive option do you think that that the corollary of that is men's saying if I'm more EXP impressive with my emotions and I reveal my emotions more she's going to like that cuz that's what women like exactly yep mhm and men are told to to be more vulnerable to be more emotional Express emotionally expressive uh to be more caring and you know on taking that to extreme they often there's a subgroup of you know the current discourse that also calls traditional male qualities of like stoicism uh and res you know that kind of emotional resilience to be toxic uh that it's bad for men I could there there might be some degree of truth to it it's like I know men who are so removed from their own emotions that they wouldn't know if they were feeling anything if it came up and slapped them in the face you know that they've practiced repressing their emotions for so long that they've completely on some level lost access to that dimension of their self which is kind of sad I can see that but if there's an alternative between that man and the man who's spilling his purse all over the place I I think it's probably best at least in terms of his success in the sexual Marketplace for him to be the former than the latter to check out the full 2-hour interview with Orion go to my other YouTube channel Joseph Everett that's spelled e v r t [Music] ...
