Be Irresistible, Click Here Dive into the complex world of relationships with renowned psychologist and relationship expert, Sadia K...
Dive into the complex world of relationships with renowned psychologist and relationship expert, Sadia Khan. With an extensive ...
say when you're a woman who's financially independent this is what happens it shouldn't be my body my choice that slogan is disgraceful so you can use that as a weapon I completely understand the logic behind arranged marriages hi everyone and welcome to this episode of the podcast in partnership with najahi events relationships seem to be a struggle for so many people maybe you have had challenges in your marriage or your relationship do we really know what men want do we really know what women want and can we avoid so many marriages ending in divorce the questions that you need to ask to find out what's going wrong in your relationship and how you can fix it are going to be helped today by Sadia Khan a relationship psychologist and someone that really has got a finger on the pulse of understanding relationships on what we can all do to live a better more harmonious life with our partners [Music] and lastly thank you to najahi events who have been sponsoring us now on the podcast for over a year najahi bring motivational speakers to the region to help Inspire educate and motivate you to achieve better success and live a better life Sadia thank you so much coming to join us no thank you it's good to have you on the show yeah great to be here we talked about you coming on the podcast for a while we did and then we ran into each other at an event and we were like oh my God we're supposed to do a podcast together oh yeah they're sure yeah beforehand and then we ran into each other then we're like oh my god let's do a podcast but we you didn't know anything about me and I didn't know anything about you but we know we wanted to join forces okay that's right yeah I remember as well as I do yeah okay so for the benefit of everybody that watches and listens to this yeah what do you do I'm a psychologist but I am used to be a psychology teacher now I do more therapy and online coaching for mainly couples but it's my background is actually trauma I did Psychotherapy and I focused on trauma but people online want to hear about relationships so I end up talking a lot about relationships in the modern world so if you go back to my grandparents and great grandparents and your marriage was for life and that's what people did until death has do part and through Better or For Worse meant that people would work through their troubles and divorce wasn't something that was spoken about yeah so much so that in 1977 when my parents got divorced I was the only person oh wow I school the only person in my community seven seven years old um I was the only person that had that had parents that had divorced ah and then is that well it was I didn't know any different apart there was obviously a stigma attached to it but um I'm seven years old what do you do yeah and I'm sure there's some if you don't dig into trauma around that kind of time saw some issues that happen because of it but divorce then then became more and more mainstream and more accepted and nowadays I think is it 50 of yeah I think it's divorce higher than that it's getting higher than that but it's around 50 so well it's interesting because you're you're from the UK like I am but your heritage is Pakistan yeah fully Pakistani so if you take that that kind of like stereotypical understanding of a a marriage in India and Pakistan it's arranged marriages yeah parents decide or parents encourage you to be with people that they see deemed fit yeah yeah and I don't match the ideal match that's it and there's been that TV show on Netflix as well because it's quite hilarious to watch sure who's been watching it I've watched some of the episodes yeah it's quite funny yeah it's because in in the UK an arranged marriage to us makes no sense whatsoever but when you really try and understand it there's some logic behind it totally and you know cohabiting couples have the highest rates of divorce and arranged marriages have the lowest rates of divorce and it's something I'm starting to understand more and more especially now with this profession I completely understand the logic behind arranged marriages because when we left to our own devices we just choose whoever we like and you know you could like someone who might be bad for you might like someone who's completely different to you whatever it is but when families choose they choose families that are similar to them and the reason why that's so productive is because chances are you have a similar set of morals values and upbringing childhood as well so what happens is you kind of your childhood predicts your relationships a lot more than we realize so when two families who are similar their children tend to be compatible whereas two families are totally different cultures morals and like prescriptive Behavior their children are not going to understand each other when the push comes to show so what ends up happening is called people that come from similar backgrounds last longer so it actually makes a lot of sense now that I'm older I can see the logic behind it like if you chose somebody for your kids you choose somebody who's probably parents are similar to you similar kind of education all that and then by by Design the children are more compatible okay well I've got some good examples of this in my own life so my my first marriage was to somebody who we we lasted for I think five years God had two kids and got divorced and I look back on her family now and I think they're all Nut Cases you know like I really do makes a big difference right and I'm glad I'm not part of that I'm I'm married to somebody else now Anna and Anna's parents again we're from completely different worlds but her parents I really respect are like being around them they're very um courteous they're kind they're they're respectful and so in return I am all of those things towards them as well and so it feels much better and I think this is something men really underestimate when they're picking a partner they look for whoever they like and they think that they can change a woman and they think if they treat a woman well if you caught her correctly she's all yours but I always say your competition is her childhood if she had a chaotic childhood you can give her and offer her the most ability there is to be found but she will reject it she'll seek chaos and she will glorify chemistry whereas if you choose somebody who's at a stable upbringing lots of love when you give her love she reciprocates it but when you give it to somebody who's come from a broken home and a broken background when you give her love she then sabotages it so men are giving love recklessly women are giving love recklessly thinking that they can change this person but this is why I arranged marriages there was that common understanding like I remember my parents saying things like oh you know their family is a bit okay like dodgy Don't Go Near them and this family is good and this and at the time thinking that's so judgmental but there's actually psychological uh validity to what they were saying wow yeah isn't that crazy well it's not it makes a whole load of sense the way you just explained it for me for me I would have never thought that okay so so but what happens nowadays you know people meet others there's all these different ways of meeting you know when I was when I was in my late teens I'd I'd be looking at a girl like you in a bar for three or four hours and trying summer curries up to come and say hello how are you and get your number and stuff and that required a lot of you know a lot of Bravery because you had to deal with rejection and stuff like that nowadays obviously it's different because it's all on apps and stuff like that which we'll go into yeah but people seem to fall in love with people that aren't necessarily the right people for them very quickly that whole kind of like honeymoon phase happens you know we're we're in you know the three months dating and before they know it they're telling each other they love each other and they want to live together and stuff to me when I look back on all my relationships it's like you know nothing about that person for the first year and a half two years really yeah and you know no it's not so much knowing about them if you don't know how you're going to truly be around them yourself as well because bring up the signs of you they bring out different sides of you people are doing yeah and so there's this this kind of like this false narrative that exists in the early parts of a relationship that needs to be worked through before you can truly be yeah a couple with that said and done do you think that people are aware of that I just think they just still go into relationships you know willfully naive and romanticizing everything before I think the rise of Romanticism has left the left to the death of marriage because what's happening is people are so attuned to what they want and their desires and not their outcomes in life now if you want to get married and settle down the person who might you might want who's like the hottest girl in the room or the most exciting guy but he might be what you want and that might meet your current desires and you might constantly find it for finding fall in love instantly but somebody you need for a long-term marriage might be somebody more settled calm and stable so what's happening is because we're being told that that feeling that chemistry is what you should go by that gut feeling is so so special you should follow that instinct we are being led in the wrong direction because that instinct contains all our desires that could be like a desire to have drugs it could be food whatever we're supposed to actually forgo those feelings for the sake of our long-term goals and if that person that gives you all those butterflies but isn't good for you we should be avoiding that but Romanticism has taught you that that feeling suggests it's love and it's special and you should work with that person and really it's counterproductive to long-term goals so that's why marriage is falling apart what do women look for and what do men look for and has it always been the same or has that evolved we look for a Reincarnation of our childhood okay does that mean so if you were given um consistent care love unconditional all that good stuff as a child which very few people get but if you do get it if you're lucky enough to come out of childhood unscathed then you'll look for stable caring consistent monotony and you'll meet those people who just met somebody in high school got married and now they're still together they just walk their dog on the weekends very calm life and there's other people who grew up with chaos abuse neglect trauma something like that and so what they'll look for is somebody who can reincarnate those feelings and they don't realize it so they find themselves in one toxic relationship after the other saying this person was bad that person was bad not realizing that they attached to that toxicity because of how they've been programmed to think Love Is defined by chaos okay well this is going to challenge you then a bit or maybe me so so I have two daughters they both come from a broken home like I do because they're my daughters and I got divorced um one of them when she was 17 started dating a boy she's 23 years old now they're still dating six and a half years later very happy very settled planning their future together the other one is three years younger so she's 20 nearly 21 and the thought of a relationship to her is just like what a nightmare what a headache you know it's about having fun enjoying herself you know you know drinking smoking partying whatever it might be and what looking at her sister who settled down she's like why would you want to do that yeah that's really boring yeah but you've got two kids that have both come from the same environment well two parents don't two kids don't always get the same parents because they both order has an impact the natural sensitivity has an impact so that's why you'll get two kids from an alcoholic and one will be an alcoholic and one will never touch alcohol because two children are not raised by a two the same parents even though they have the same parents where you are in your marriage where you are financially changes and the reaction they get from the from the child because of their own nature also changes but I would say usually when people have gone through a broken home environment doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it because I'm sure you gave them lots of unconditional love throughout it but it can lead to two responses one is where they become hyper clingy to whoever they love because they've seen it get break down so what happens is who they fall in love with they could almost like live in that person's skin they love them they stick to them and they work through even things that they shouldn't work through they want to work through it because that fear of Abandonment now that fear of Abandonment in another child can lead to complete Independence think my fear of abundance is going to be manifested by being completely autonomous not needing a relationship keeping relationships at arm's length so you're they both might have a level of Abandonment in them not because you did anything wrong but just the watching what a divorce looks like is children learn relationships and so in that process they either become hyper-attached or hyper-independent and both of them are semi-trauma responses okay so I'm going to take a little bit from what you said and just give myself a little pat on the back there for a minute because I think sarcastically I do I think my eldest yeah is the one that's in the relationship yeah my eldest is a lot like me my youngest is a lot like my my ex-wife right and so if my eldest has found that way of you know looking for the calm yeah that's because of my wonderful parents and skills unless it's connected to me now you're quite calm in relationships and are you stable and wow that's a really it's a really deep question yeah because the answer that I would give you versus the answer everybody else would give you yeah might not be the same right um people the lens of a partner no right from the lens of you um no so what are you talking about I think I think that I think that I think I want things to be calm yeah you're crazy and and I don't want things to be I'm not needy no so I'm fiercely independent and and my wife Anna is fiercely independent as well and that works for me because that that neediness doesn't doesn't let me feel comfortable um but also I'm I'm there isn't a romantic bone in my body okay so you you have that avoidant kind of independent trauma response where you love space you love Independence you could live separately it wouldn't bother you um you are quite guarded emotionally so your partner might sometimes wonder what you're thinking or feeling and you love you love that person you want to be with somebody but you don't want to be emotionally intimate all day every day so you like them in the house but you don't want to be talking all day every day and yeah yeah doing anything does that sound a bit familiar yeah really familiar and then what will happen is sometimes your partner's Quest if you love them or not because you're so strong with or without them you do love them but your love is an avoidance style where it's like I love you but I'm gonna do my life and if you want to come along you're most welcome but I'm not going to change everything just for a relationship it doesn't work like that for avoidance does that sound familiar it sounds spot-on and I think that a lot of that comes from going through a divorce the first time I think that plays a part in in realizing that you don't want to attach yourself to somebody forever only to feel pain from that experience very painful yeah to me it was like death even though you're worse than grief I always say because people kind of normalized a divorce but with grief there's a level of acceptance that this didn't work and it's out of your hands but with divorce it leaves people absolutely traumatized and I think because it's so common and people forget and even when your friends getting a divorce it's just like oh that's a shame but people don't realize that person's going through trauma okay well there's that aspects plus the aspects of them my parents got divorced when I was seven and my dad left oh okay so I wasn't just a divorce so my dad my parents got divorced my dad has in left the country went to live in another country right with another family or so you started another family since but he went to live in another country and working overseas and so my dad was my hero and then all of a sudden he's not there and so I felt abandoned absolutely and I don't think I ever got over that feeling of being abandoned so I find it very hard to abandon yeah and you find but the thing is with people with your response they don't let go of a relationship but even so because they don't want to abandon anyone but they're emotionally abandon that's their way of protecting themselves so they'll be there but emotionally they won't be as intimate as a partner would like and uh somehow they'll always kind not they'll never cheat or anything not necessarily cheat but they'll keep their eyes open they can be a bit critical of their Partners it's their way of creating emotional distance so even after intimacy even after sexual intimacy they might go jump on their laptop and do some work or they might go on their phone does that sound familiar that's uh the avoidant methodology of maintaining relationships but there's an emotional distance to prevent the pain of abandonment certainly so their partner is always left confused does this person even like me but only when the partner threatens to leave then they're like no I love you like grand gestures but when they come back they're like it's as if business as usual wow yeah that's a trauma response yeah you've you've you've that's a perfect description so very common response a lot of men have this and don't realize it and their Partners think oh they're narcissists it's not narcissistic it's a trauma response because you don't want you don't not care about your partner it's this is how you love from a distance because it's painful loving so intimately and then they leave so you're operating from a place of fear but it doesn't look like that because you look so strong and independent but you're operating it out of a fear of Abandonment and usually you attract clingy partners yeah because to the for some reason the clingy people love the avoidant people because the avoidant people reinforce their view that they're not loved correctly and nobody loves them correctly oh yeah isn't it so it's so draining so that's why it's good that you've got a partner that's independent because she'll probably understand it and not take it personal let's talk about some of the work that you do so you talk you work with men whose wives cheat on them a lot everybody's wife's cheating these days okay yeah it's so bad but goodness me wisely yeah they're all cheating at the moment maybe it's the ones I deal with okay so obviously there's gonna be people watching this it's obviously not all I do a point I apologize I'm talking about just a clientele I've got very uh skewed vision of relationships because I attract and I work with those that are suffering but there'll also be people listening right now in a car with their partner yeah yeah your wife's cheating guys if you think she's cheating she's cheating no I'm joking give me examples of of of I mean stereotypically historically um we have been told Time and Time and Time Again by society that Menchie women aren't the cheaters men are the ones that cause the problem I always ask myself the question if men are cheating and women don't cheat then who are the men cheating with you know there's gonna there's gonna be you know there's two things to the Tango but anyway why why what are the reasons that you've learned that women cheat and are they similar to why men cheat or and and in terms of scale is it as many women cheating as men or other is the data telling us something else I think what has happened is because societies conditioned us to tell us that Menchie and women don't men don't look for the red flags with women you come home late a few times and she's already suspicious you don't reply to her text she's already suspicious because we've been conditioned to think that's a red flag men aren't trained to think women cheat they think women are loyal loving and you know if anything they're the one that's going to cheat so they're not trained to look for the red flag and what I say with women who are genuinely most likely to cheat you usually it comes from her background if she grew up without a stable loving father figure what happens is one partner is children are designed to be loved by two people it's just how they design you know you've got children they need you they need their mum they need two people and you know from your own experience that you needed dad as well now what happens when you're in a relationship is that person kind of becomes you everything and when they sense a fear of Abandonment any abandonment that their partner might be some spending too much time at work might be taking long to reply whatever it is that woman who grew up with that fear of Abandonment now thinks [ __ ] I'm gonna be by myself ends up going to somebody having a backup plan whereas a woman with a healthy home what happens when that happens she doesn't like it she'll communicate it more often and if she has to leave she'll leave but the woman with the fear of Abandonment is fear of being alone doesn't want to be by herself again so she needs to have that love from two people she'll get it from somebody else and that usually is what I find when I when a man asks me it tells me about his wife cheating it's the first question I ask it's a sad reality though it's a shame because I don't want to in any way judge it but when you've had no father figure at all it puts a lot of print women need to be loved they need men and so when they find a husband he becomes the only man in alive and when he's abandoning her she thinks [ __ ] what do I do whereas when you have your father who goes like my boyfriend's being annoying and your dad will say oh you know don't worry about it you know you've got that you know when you're comforting your kids they come to you with so much and then your Dad gives you that Financial Security if you need it and he gives you that emotional security he gives you that buffer now without that it's very hard for women when they start feeling like a bit abandoned I'm not blaming anybody but that's usually what I find is some kind of childhood trauma so so that then goes back to choosing the right partner in the first place doesn't it and I make you sure you're with the right person so making sure that person's healed or understands the kind of insecurities rather than um reincarnates them but I don't know I mean I'm sitting there thinking everybody if you're in Dubai everybody well talk to me about that is that do you think that's more common here in Dubai absolutely really absolutely and I always say that because here's the reality rich men are far more likely to be cheated on they think they're not say that slowly rich men are far more likely to be cheated on far more likely to be cheated why are rich men far more likely to be cheated on usually their wives don't work when your wife doesn't work it gives her the luxury of time energy effort all those things so usually she doesn't work they usually have nannies so she's not this drained you know in England it's totally different when you are a housewife in England you're still in your pajamas all day um but here you've got the luxury of maids all this stuff so you've got the luxury of being so sure and the other thing is usually with rich men they're busy they're super super busy so it gives their wife a lot of idle time a lot of idle time and she's in circles where there's lots of eligible bachelors or lots of desirable men now if you're dating a guy that you know is and this is no offense but say for example just a casual nine to five area his friends are usually a casual nine to five kind of guy it's not this oh look at that guy oh he knows this guy none of that it's just that's John that's James that's it it's quite casual but with a rich man he introduces this woman to a lifestyle and to a network but she can't access without him and then that coupled with spare time and money means Idol idol minds are the devil's workshop so boredom leads to infidelity well yeah because it's Richmond also um what happens is they don't realize they're not spending as much time together so the rich men typically cheat on their mates they do but I mean I think with men it's more consistent across the social economic band it's just that rich man can access more beautiful women if they wanted to or gold diggers so the women the women are essentially shagging the personal trainer yeah and the rich men are shagging their secretary basically is that unfortunately really yeah unfortunately usually the nannies have a side piece and he's usually you know works for her partner the nanny has a the no no no why sorry so the white yeah a side partner who's usually just like the children's swimming instructor or something like that isn't that awful but this is a generalization this is not everybody but it's usually what I think it's frequent it's frequent and also unfortunately for rich men they can't help but attract women that like lifestyle more than connection because a woman that really values connection she doesn't like a busy a rich man's lifestyle a woman that really needs emotional connection she finds being with the CEO or being with a really successful man is hard for her she leaves because she wants emotional intimacy so Richmond almost left with women that love lifestyle who will compromise an emotional connection in order to get that Financial investment and so Richmond are left with a pool of women who are not as connected to them so more likely to cheat if you're single here in Dubai you're I don't know late 40s you're attractive um you're independent man or woman a woman a woman yeah what kind of man would go for you considering that age oh yeah that's interesting question I would say I think men do come full circle what happens is when they're young they'll choose a compatible partner like around the same age same kind of social economic status whatever then they might get money then they realize how annoying being married is so they you know you get usually get divorced then they just want to party and they want that 23 year old Swedish model and they want to enjoy their life but then they realize how vacuous that is when their back starts hurting and she could care less and he's sick and she's nowhere to be found and so then what happens is they get they almost get re-traumatized and then recalibrate back to normal and then they start seeking more emotional intimacy and then they want a woman is around the same age who's not using them and will be there when you know they have a doctor's appointment because doctor's appointments get more frequent when a man gets older Okay so the guy who's 50 years old dates the 35 year old or the 30 year old because he's young and hot Etc yeah the the guy that's 65 years old he doesn't date the 50 year old he typically goes for companionship more is that what you're saying well it doesn't matter about so much about his age it's about what he's done in that past say if he's had enough of those models influences that have used and abused him and left him when he's you know needed them and he's seen them walk away with his best friend in a club enough times for him to then recalibrate because that's what they will do hmm yeah those are 23 year old influences that you think are going to be loyal to you they're on their table for free food and they will leave with the bounces number talk to me about narcissistic women oh there's so many of them yeah well first of all what is a narcissistic woman um I would say narcissistic women I would say there's more of a case of narcissistic mothers than there is just of women and I think that I think the process of becoming a mother and I think this is something that's understood not spoken about enough is the process of becoming a mother creates narcissistic women because it's so draining on the body the things that they go through to have this baby that when they finally birth it they almost expect a loyal minion out of that child and they use that child as a weapon and so what happens is people who might be slightly selfish and entitled when they become a mother they become a narcissist because they see that child as an extension of them it's their identity and you see it a lot even with the you know the rise of abortions the fact that women see babies as a body part and they'll say things like my body my choice completely disregarding human life because they see it as a body part so imagine that mentality going into mothering that you're seeing a child like an organ like okay if I want it I could keep if I don't want it I don't keep it not seeing it as a separate human being that has a life and right I'm not saying there's anything wrong or right about abortion but look at that mentality we're breeding in women that it's your body it's your choice so what's a child then just a body part so then when they become oh well I'm not having that yeah that's the mentality we're creating I don't agree with that why well because you're you're suggesting if somebody has sex with a man and they're pregnant within a short period of time yeah that they should birth that child I'm suggesting that it's not a body part so you can you can lose that child you can keep that child but it should be a mutual decision between husband and wife or between the two parties because it's two people's baby just because it's brewed in your body doesn't make it yours we are biologically programmed like this I didn't volunteer to have a uterus I don't so please let me spend nine months having this baby we are programmed so therefore when if if I have a baby with somebody it's not just my choice to kill it or keep it it's a baby it's not a body part yeah but you're saying that you're saying that um it takes two people women talk to them about uh and and use them as organs so talking well saying my body my choice what is that implying about baby that implies that she has the right to decide to keep it or not but then that applies that the baby is what a a child or a body part an embryo yeah well it's a it's a child and a child is two peoples and the idea of me saying my body my choice suggests it's my when really took me for me when you and I you and I I don't know we're dating yeah okay we're both single people we're 19 we get intimate after a while and hatedly Deep by mistake something went wrong and you're pregnant yeah okay so what what should happen we should have a discussion and get to mutually you say you say you know what I've never had a baby I've always wanted a baby it's my dream and I'm like I've never had a baby I've never wanted a baby it's my nightmare I would say whoever if there's women one person saying no side towards the no because it leads to resentment and the child is unbirthed with the conflict but I do think it should be two People's Choice it shouldn't be my body my choice that slogan is disgraceful and disturbing it's my body my choice your money yeah but it is doesn't it because because it because if a woman gets pregnant and she decides that she wants to have the baby yeah the the man regardless regardless I have to pay for it for the next 18 years jail if you don't and so many women have had put the wrong man's name on the birth certificate and even sent men to jail for not paying it when he wasn't the father okay well that's a separation yeah yeah so so basically my body my choice your money disgraceful now tell me if that's not breeding a generation of narcissistic women we're creating them Society is conditioning women to become as narcissistic as possible through the use of social media through the use of abortion laws through the slogans like women impact everything is creating narcissism in women these days but nothing more visceral than the abortion debate okay let's take some other examples around this because it's important for me to understand you know I'm 52 you're 30 years old I'm a generation ahead of the MSI come from a different type just a bit all right I actually think we're more alike than I would be with a 21 year old okay yeah because we didn't grow up with memes and social media and Tick Tock I think we would have far more in common than me with the average 18 20 year old would you'd be lucky to get an 80s they're pretty past me so so I've got a girlfriend let's say let's say you're my girlfriend okay okay let's just use these as an examples okay you're my girlfriend we've both got social media on your social media and there's pictures of me and you at the beach yep okay in our swimming costumes there's pictures of you at the beach and you see your swimming costume there's you uh um a party with a short skirt and yeah a bit of cleavage showing uh you posted that on social media as well so there's a bit of that um I don't really think much about it because I think you're hot and sexy and so I don't really think much about it are you doing anything to disrespect our relationship um the reality is you might be posting with zero intentions to do anything disrespectful but the response in other men is disrespectful whether we like it or not the response you're going to get from other men is disrespectful now I could have zero intentions of ever cheating or disrespecting my partner but the reality is if I'm posting a bikini pic I know what it would look like my DMs would be filled with men now all it takes is that this is why we're creating narcissism when a woman posts a picture of a bikini and then sees her DMs like covered with men then the next time her boyfriend's not on his best behavior she can use that as a weapon she can automatically post a picture get a replacement and go for dinner that night with somebody new now tell me we're not creating narcissistic women if this is the setup that social media is providing women it's providing women with the idea that men are disposable and they are easily lured and for men I mean they do as well with their liking and it's not as easy as it is for women well if I was to post a picture of me and my swimming swimming costume I know I'd have a few a few likes and a few comments but maybe they wouldn't be the kind he won't fly you out to the Barbados my grandma and maybe Chelsea betting exactly and it's a completely different board game so what social media is doing what this woke culture is doing is destroying femininity and replacing it with narcissism and telling them that's feminism so if a girl is posting pictures of her on Instagram that say in her swimming costume in a bikini and she's in a relationship then she's indirectly disrespecting her partner because other men see that content and want to pursue what they see on that image it's totally unconscious in a lot of cases but the reality is we don't live in a perfect world if it was a perfect world a woman could walk around wearing whatever they want and men would act no different if she was covered but it's just not life I used to be a teacher and I you know when I used to wear dresses and stuff like that to work and I sometimes get called in to be like oh the boys are getting a little bit you know can you and I used to get a little bit like the boys are getting a little bit distracted can you like you know maybe not wear heels or not wear this and I used to get caught in quite a bit and um I know but teenage boys used to get distracted me they're not blind but yeah and then I at the time I used to get a bit like oh this is not nice how come so-and-so gets to wear whatever she wants and and I'd be pointing to like a 50 year old woman be like she gets away but the reality is life's not fair and then I had to realize that well Sally come on grow up life's not fair the reality is they're teenage boys I was like 22 when I started teaching 21 years old so you know you just got to play the game it's the real world is you can't do whatever you want whenever you want and expect no repercussions it's just not life now the reality is I can post whatever I want do whatever I want and a lot of times it is innocent I see so many women with their children on the beach posting a picture it's called No they've got no bad intentions um but it doesn't change the fact that men see bikinis as no different to lingerie they get to see your body naked okay so let me let me let me take another site another example you and I are in a relationship we're dating six months um and on my social media I follow other women that dress like that or post pictures like that hair is that disrespectful is that irrelevant does it matter I think it is it depends on the boundaries of your relationship I just think that some women have zero concern about that and I think pick a partner like that if you want to be that guy that has that autonomy pick a partner that allows that and doesn't mind it but a lot of women and I actually think this is the rise of why surgery is so high in this day and age women are seeing what men are following on Instagram and then changing their bodies and appearance to match that and that's why women are now starting to look the same the the amount of young girls that come to me and say he keeps following girls with you know with lip fillers and so now I'm getting my lips done he keeps following girls with like a bum implant so now I'm so it's the reason why women are getting more and more insecure is because they can literally see what my boyfriend's type what it would be if I didn't exist they're getting a version of that and it's not a good reminder for yourself I look at young women now and all I see from young women is this whole kind of like massive lips okay that look ridiculously big for their face um obviously fake boobs they've also seem to have those um but they do a lot of bomb implants now as well yeah and this whole thing with bums yeah now I I've I've maybe I'm old but I don't get this bum thing yeah why why why do women feel that they need to have bums that you can put a cup of tea on um that's what men are rewarding in society at this moment do men really like that well young men yeah because pornography pornography dictates male's desires so if you look at what men are into it's very much dictated by the content they it's finding pornography pornography tells you what you like you don't tell pornography pornography will put something out there make it common and then people be like yeah I actually quite like the idea of sleeping with my stepsister where'd you get that from most most people have watched pornography yeah I haven't though are you proud of me I remember the first time I saw pornography yeah I think I was about I don't know maybe 10 or 11 years old um I was super young and your generation was at a friend's house we were playing computer games up in his Loft and his dad had this chest in the corner and in this chest in the corner were these mags Penthouse magazines and Playboy magazines really and we looked at them and were like okay certainly though terrified that our fingerprints might be on them and then we ran away never to be seen him in and then some years later I was working on a building site in my summer holidays and there was some some pornographic magazines that were in the cafeteria for the builders um and and I saw them as well and so that was my first exposure and then thereafter I I at my age I didn't get a chance to see videos because you had to go to the video shop and hire a video hold on hold on but nowadays everybody has access to it regardless everybody has access to it on their device anytime they want to have what kind of damage I can't believe I've just told with that information won't forgive me um Man by the way it was at Auntie Jackie's my mom listens to every program I was at Auntie Jackie's it was Bose in his Jazz Russell showed it to me anyways um I love you Mom but I I remember I I believe that that if you're in a relationship or if you're single that there's a place for people that that enjoy that kind of stuff it shouldn't be kind of like it's bad for everybody oh do you believe differently I believe differently because I just think look at what you described there look at the amount of Shame and guilt attached to just looking at pornography looking at another woman the shame and guilt that you might feel like asking for a magazine on the top shelf men knew there were some things seedy about that what's happening now is we've removed that shame and guilt attached to sexual pleasures so what's happening is Pleasures have no cap there's no shame there's no guilt now absolutely I understand that there might be an element of it but here's how pleasure works it takes more of it to create the same level of dopamine now if we're starting at 10 years old children are getting watching porn as they age it's going to take more and more and more and more and there's more and more and more more more a novelty this is where we get charge trafficking and pornography people don't start with child pornography they start with just normal stuff then they go on to like bisexual stuff and they go to transgender stuff and then it works slowly the devil is patient the devil is patient he'll start with normal normal desires and they get more and more Insidious before you know it you get to a place you don't recognize now there's never been a serial killer on death row that hasn't been addicted to pornography can you believe that what they did and this was in they did this stuff say that again there's never been a serial killer on death row that was not addicted to pornography and this was in the 90s they did this study so imagine in the 90s people on death row were addicted to pornography when it was difficult to find VHS headphones like had there was no such thing so imagine in this day and age where being addicted to pornography is a norm imagine the impacts that we're creating narcissistic women as we talked about in society and Psychopathic men and marriages so many marriages fall apart because men are unable to get an erection from their wife imagine watching all sorts of porn and then going to your normal wife who breastfeeds your children and expecting to have a physical connection it won't work so the damage caused by porn outweighs any any positives I don't believe there are any positives but if they were the damage is far far more ubiquitous than any kind of any benefit wow I never um well I've never had Bundy Ted Bundy does a really great breakdown on this and Ted Bundy's fantastic case study because he didn't have a particularly traumatic childhood and as a psychologist the first thing you look at is their childhood you're like okay you know this I'll go to and he had two loving parents and he did a really great interview and he said that I came from a healthy home everything was okay but I'm not saying it was pornography but pornography introduced me into a world I didn't know was humanly capable so then I wanted to test my human desires it's a great interview because he's so articulate with it um okay some other questions for you on this particular subject then open relationships and cheating what are the boundaries in there um I would I I have to preface this with saying I don't have much experience in working with people with open relationships and I don't have as much experience in my in my small amount of experience of what I've seen is um open relationships a bit like you know when people used to have two wives and stuff like that it sounds good on paper but it works only when you're not emotionally attached so in cultures where they have two wives four wires like we see in Dubai marriage is a duty it's a coming together of two families and creating a home so people can work well with that now when we've got this romanticized idea in the western world where you have to be madly in love and connected to your husband and wife when you see an element of that being taken to somebody else it's a matter of time where you just either start to want that person a partner back or you just why am I here if I don't love you enough to have that connection why am I here so it doesn't work in the same capacity I would imagine what would you think Hmm the the thought after being married once and married again the thought of having two mother-in-laws or three or even four wives to me it's just like it sounds it just sounds it sounds really draining to me but you did that I mean and again this is my lack of experience so um you know in the process of women when they have kids and they get busy can you understand why there's two wives in those kind of environments I think that when people had two kids and they get busy that that means that you need to do work with your wife and understanding that the kids although they're the priority in terms of responsibility and caring um they got married yeah um and there needs to be work done on trying to remember that the the husband should be treated like the husband yeah um but I you know I've experienced it myself where the kids came first experience because I experienced this a lot with men when the first time fathers are the most likely to be unfaithful and a lot of Studies have found this and they they try and put it down to a woman's low sex drive and this is actually the lack of attention they receive in their own home they come home from a busy day of work and she's not looking at them anymore she doesn't greet them she's busy with it and it's no this is no disrespect for her because a job is really tiring but he starts to feel like a stranger in his own home she's just prioritizing everything and everything over him and he's working and coming back and seeing nothing no within my role for him that person then cheats the guy then cheats the guy then finds something my either more exciting more new more more attention um that happens then which leads then to the downfall of the relationship and then it's another trauma of being by yourself again and then realizing the girl that you're cheating with wasn't that great it's just that you needed a bit of attention and so I think remaining connected is the antidote to all of this trauma okay now um how does it work differently here with the mentality of emirati or Middle Eastern women compared to women back in the west do you see a difference in Behavior understanding interpretations or is it all the same I would say I think it used to be really really different I use I think the women used to have this mentality that they're a bit more financially entitled like my partner pays for everything and sorts everything out but then I will look after him in terms of cooking and cleaning and stuff what's happening now with the rise of social media it's giving everybody a kind of globalized norms and values and the entitlement of women is starting to it's good creep into cultures where women are still expecting that Financial investment without giving any of that domestic Duty with that so what's happening in Western women is that they're now seeing that they want a lifestyle I want to be flown out I want a bag but none of them are thinking I'm going to make my husband a cup of tea when he comes home I'm gonna cook dinner I'm gonna make sure his clothes are ironed again the narcissism is creeping in he said this is one I hear I hear a lot about guys that say to me or I hear people say that guys want to have a traditional wife and um a partner that um that stays home doesn't have a career okay let me finish what I'm saying one of the sexiest things I think that exists for me in women is their career yeah okay I find it really sexy to see a woman who's driven and focused and passionate and career-minded I I think that's really sexy one of the ugliest things I see in women is them expecting men to pay yeah I find it ugly for a number of reasons number one okay I understand it if you've got three kids and you're busy being a homemade yeah your husband is the breadwinner and treating him well but if there's two of you together you're a team and to me if you're a team you both contribute yeah now that doesn't mean that we go 50 50 at Pizza Hut tonight or anything like okay but it means we work as a team yeah you know um uh give me money buy me clothes buy me handbags pay for my lifestyle pay for my life while I sit and enjoy myself yeah okay you go out and work and you and you you owe it to me because you need to be a man yes it's a dangerous mentality too still I think that's disgusting and I don't get it and there'll be lots of lots of people that listen to this and women out there that come from a mindset okay where the man should pay you know what was his name um uh 50 Cent they said to 50 Cent yeah he's on a first date and he said whoever whoever asks yeah now I don't believe for one minute you go on a first date and you go dutch of course I'm not there you know I'm not in the end of that yeah okay I don't believe that at all but being in a relationship with someone where they expect you to pay for everything period yeah even though they have a job a career and all that kind of stuff to to me it's like well it's narcissism well here's the thing in Dubai I would say the number one cause of divorce is that it's that woman that sits at home scrolling through our phone all day while Nanny's raising oh please go ahead um I I was telling Spencer that while you're fasting if somebody eats in front of you and your patient you get more reward from God so go ahead open so yeah I was saying in Dubai what happened you just give it away that is moving Ramadan I know oh it's not going to be released and we cut that out yeah um but what happens in Dubai is that women are incredibly incredibly um entitled in the sense that they have nannies looking after the kids they have a maid cleaning up and they have a cook cleaning that's cooked cleaning so cooking and they won't even get their partner a glass of water but expect everything paid for them and then he he becomes so unbelievably unattracted to her he can't even physically find himself attracted to her and they always come to me and say we've got no sex left we've got no sex life why have we got no sex life he doesn't desire me or anything like that and they're thinking is something in their intimacy and I say it's because you you do nothing to you don't quote him in any way he has no respect for he doesn't resp and you don't you don't respect yourself surely if you're all day every day just doing nothing while the kids are being raised by somebody else the food has been cooked by somebody else you're doing nothing how do you expect him to be physically attracted to you there's no emotional intimacy see they don't even ask their partner how was your day what was going on because and the partner doesn't even tell them because they think she won't understand she doesn't know what it's like to close a deal she doesn't know what it's like to meet with investors what am I going to tell a housewife what it's like when uh you're you've just invested in the wrong place and you know you're waiting for your return investment is taking longer she's not gonna get it so they end up just saying how are the kids and then expecting and she's confused why he's not physically attracted to her at the end of the night he's not going to be attracted to you so as much as I don't think men want a housewife or anything like that but they do want to be pampered a little bit they do want somebody to say have you eaten do you want food do you want this like I got your coffee they do like that pampering just like women do like when a man buys them stuff and invests in them financially but there's no risk there's no intellectual intimacy with a woman who sat at home doing nothing to tell me just used invests in them financially yeah you just said buys them stuff and invests in them financially that's the same [ __ ] but here's the thing whether we like it or not women are attracted to men who are able to look after them well Marilyn Monroe says okay um a rich man is as valuable as a pretty woman exactly it's not essential but it helps it's a short of help that's what she says but yeah so my value comes so I'm more attractive because I'm wealthy and you're more attractive because you're pretty yeah what are you then if you're pretty and Wealthy oh yeah I saw the accountant I'm joking [Music] wealthy then you shoot yourself in the foot because here's what I say when you're a woman who's financially independent this is what happens men don't invest in you at all they don't financially do anything for you because they think she's strong and when you don't ask for anything as well there are women out there that are financially independent and they don't ask for anything but we still feel loved when a man looks after us just like a man can cook but he feels loud when a woman's prepared a hot meal for him he feels loved when he comes home from with that even though you can get it himself and you can warm it of himself or whatever it is nice you took the time to cook me dinner and put it on the table and for us to eat together and then I'll have a conversation with you yeah yeah yeah of course similarly women who are financially independent they feel loved when a man says oh I've just um I I've just paid your road tax and I've just fixed your car for you or the rent is done it's okay don't worry about it we feel large when we're invested in it's biological it's evolutionary my wife loves it when I get caffeine here's the thing there's nothing wrong with a woman wanting Financial investment it's who you're giving that to what's happening is men are investing in the wrong women they're investing in that lazy bum entitled woman who's housewife and then saying ah she's you she just wants me for my money but if you choose but when they're with a successful woman they end up not investing in her and then she ends up feeling a bit resentful but if you choose a good successful woman who's wholesome and adds value and invest in her there's that investment will double but if you invest in it in a a useless entitled woman there's no return on that investment whenever I see a couple that look to me like a team yeah like genuinely look to me like beautiful right I don't mean they're both you know they're both the hottest people on the planet beautiful kids but they just look like a team you know they talk about their business enthusiastically they talk about life enthusiastic they just they just look like they fit yeah okay that that to me is like the best picture but here's the thing what makes a successful couple is not 50 50 or the Suddenly It's both people giving their hundred percent and if she's giving 100 whether it's like looking after and looking after the home making sure his life is easy and he's giving 100 financially or they're both giving 100 both home and financially when both people are extending themselves and putting in the full effort is when it lasts it's not really about you do cooking you do that it's more about are we both giving exactly everything we have to offer to this partner okay can you give advice to someone who's in a traumatic toxic or toxic relationship um it happens a lot what happens is with toxic relationships they give you love in doses so they'll be nice to you great to you and followed by a lot of torture nice torture and then what happens is we get addicted to that nice and we remember the nice and we we hold on to that nice moment because we know it's coming it's going to come in just hang in there hanging through the talks toxic torture and it will come but when you have to say to yourself He's got potential to be good remember when he used to be nice remember imagine she was kind she wasn't always like this when you have to say those conversations to yourselves you are lying to yourself because when you're saying remember when she used to be good remember when he used to be nice that is really remember when he wasn't showing you his true colors so stop holding on to the remember when and replace it with current situation is bringing out the worst in him and me let's let's Let It Go Sadia yeah Spencer you told me you were 30 years older yeah a little bit older than that would you say would you say you were 33 33 I'm 33 years old you're single yeah you're pretty yeah you have a career yeah I've got to know you've got a really warm personality and none to be around you have nice energy to you yeah why are you single I'm not actually single uh the summary has changed recently no something's resurfaced recently yeah but yeah I'm not actually single um but I do struggle in terms of like um you know situations and I do something really profound when I listened to you when we were chatting that night you told me something really profound about about why you struggle with relationships what did I say well can you remember I'm gonna allow you to say it based around the trauma that you have yeah hips and the trauma that you have with what you need from somebody I can't remember what I said can you remind me so you were talking about um how you're not actually good for people in the state that well you were saying this that night did I say that I'm so I'm so profound yeah what did I say you said I'm a top shagger yeah but he isn't that probably needs to be coming yeah no you said that words along the lines of you you don't make people feel a partner feel what he needs to feel at the moment because of the issues that you have yeah can you elaborate on that for me so if I'm feeling anxious and if I'm feeling stressed and if I'm feeling unloved I will ensure in that moment my partner feels the same emotion and uh even if I have to lie to get there even if I have to look you and I in a relationship six months in you're not feeling you're feeling unloved okay you're feeling anxious yeah and then you want to do your best and you're feeling jealous you would you you have and do have so this person might listen to this episode you you let's say you yeah yeah you will then make me feel the same way and no matter you and you you'll concoct a plan consciously or subconsciously um I would say it's always on a conscious level it's always on a conscious level so this is something that I've worked on now but for a long time this is what I would do I'm saying for example if I'm feeling anxious jealous and secure I'm going to make sure you feel anxious jealous and insecure whether that means like I don't know saying mean things or if it means you know not returning calls or whatever it means making sure you feel the same way now when you told me that when we when we sat on that evening talking that was really unusual to me but that level of self-awareness or that no no the fact that that happens and you do that I feel I felt really sad for you okay I felt some pain there but now I listen to you say it right now I'm like that's not that uncommon everyone does it I think everyone does it when we're feeling in a great mood it's contagious when you're in a good mood you make sure I mean like you know that guy that skips into the office and he's like hey guys and tries to make everyone feel the same way and you know that Moody a person that comes into the office is miserable and tries to make everyone feel the same way I'm very good at not doing it in my real life but I am very apt at making sure I do it in invulnerable relationships and that fascinates me that does are you getting better you know really the medication's helping talk to me about um your ideal client so who would you like to yeah from the audience here the people that might be listening to you think oh my she might be able to help me who who do you typically help do you know what I would say it's not that necessarily it's my ideal but what my forte happens to be because of where I live and the environment that I'm in it is that hyper successful um man who might be either single or going through a divorce or like in relationships whatever it is but that hyper successful man I can almost navigate him very well because I know the type of women he attracts I know the type of problems he'll have I know the emotional disconnect because overworking is a coping mechanism so to become a hyper successful man you have to Foster skills that are not transferable to a relationship and that's why he's so hyper successful so it's usually a coping mechanism it's usually a way of you know tuning out what's really going on in the real world it's an addiction it's no different to alcohol but it's just one that Society promotes and so I kind of see through the facade a bit with that hyper successful man and then we can break that down and get him connected to his true self okay so that for all of you that are listening watching out there that's the kind of person that she helps and so we feel that guys so tell me lastly before we finish okay have you enjoyed being on the podcast I've loved it you know what's so funny before we got here we're like oh like winging it almost but no it wasn't a group well I put a lot of time and effort into it you didn't you didn't know I was I came in and he was like you are I said I said to the guys on the team and they'll be out of voucher I met this girl the other night yeah and she needs to come on glue me away yeah you didn't say that yeah you said it she was great I'm really Charming in person aren't I much better in person than you are because when you watch your videos and your content are social your Stern you're serious you're you're you're you're you're you're but you're a bundle of fun yeah but you'd never know that on social media like it's so fun in real life but on social media I'm like three reasons why your wife's Gonna Leave You And it's like very negative three reasons why like you know and it's just very Stern and so people take me really wrong but if you know me in person the thing is the psychology stuff it's two percent of my personality if you know me in person it's just a completely different energy but then I happen to have the psychology stuff so online it's completely different version so I'm glad we met on a non-podcast version for like environment first and then we got to do the podcast for sure is it harder to take me serious when you know me in person I think it's um when you when you don't know someone you have to try I mean I've interviewed 250 people so when you don't know someone you have to try and connect with them so you consume a lot of content I think I saw your content I thought I need to have on on the show I then met you um and look the the bottom line is you're a sweetheart you I really are you're really you're you're lovely and you're friendly and You're vulnerable and I like that about you as well so it's just a joy to be around oh thank you it's been a pleasure I really enjoyed it we have to do this again thanks for coming on the show thank you too ...
