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and you said something beautiful it's not necessarily a fight we can shift from and need to be right or wrong to dress it and attempt to understand [Music] welcome back to school greatest podcast we've got the inspiring dr. Nicole de perak in the house good to see you talked about this second time on your on six months ago and people just needed the information so much they're eating it up people are struggling in a lot of areas of their life you are helping them in so many different ways so we've got you back on and I'm just pumped about this because you were just saying this interview we did last time so many people resonated with it in a big way from the video the audio a lot of people are messaging about it mm-hmm and same for us so I was like we got to do more we should do like a series we should do something and you're back here so I'm excited and what's it been like in the last year for you because I think a rich lives in at the beginning of last year you had a very small following not small but you may be 100,000 followers made me write I don't know January January last year I'm probably around that happened pretty quickly I can't remember when I hit the million so I'm now nearing two million it's it's mind-blowing these to me but here's the thing there's a lot of other people that are trying to do what you're doing but they're not growing as fast is there a reason for that do you think like there's a lot of other therapists that are trying to copy your stuff or just trying to like be inspired by it and do their own thing but they're not really growing the way that you're growing why is it what you're doing is taking off whereas it's not for other people in the same way right well without knowing I think kind of what other people are doing or not doing I think what why I'm taking off and have taken off quite quickly I mean numbers started to grow fairly quickly surprisingly so upon my entry online and I the way I understand it is just I think the universality of it the fact that what I'm talking about is so much resonating whether or not I'm talking about all of the areas in which I've been stuck whether I'm sharing my own background and conditioning and experiences or whether I'm talking about the process of healing and all that comes with that I think in all in my whole story I guess I should say there's just points that I think is so universally relatable and when you can see yourself and hear yourself and feel yourself in another human you become attracted to wanting to hear more to feeling understood and then when I shift and I start to talk about the work and the healing I've done I mean I feel like that can be an empowering so I don't know kind of how something about my topic is very it's it's global it's a big topic I think about that often I'm not like super niche down where I just talk about you know maybe boundaries and that's it so day-in day-out talk about boundaries you know I think that with my scope you're gonna find like I was saying the part of my story or my journey that resonates and then you're gonna become likely to connect for those who don't know the the main parts of your story one of the one of the parts of your story that really resonated with people you think yeah I want people to listen to last night we talked more about it but it for a recap yeah main part of your story that you talk about you've had to heal that is a reflection about what a lot of people are going through yeah what is that well the first word that I think we most of us can relate to is the word stuck is being stuck in our lives watching yourself live patterns whether or not they're in your daily behaviors or patterns and you're thinking mine or just being stuck in certain specific feelings maybe a lot of us and a lot of us do logically we're insightful maybe a lot of us have been in treatment in therapy and we might know a way out or think we know a way out yet we still feel stuck I felt that my whole life having clocked many hours in my individual work before I shift it the way I practice but with individual patients clients same thing that word would come up time and time again you felt stuck I mean I was stuck I feel stuck I have maybe thought I had the tools to change thought I had the insight to change couldn't implement them therapist and I'm surfboard I'm seeing same stories coming in week after week with my clients quite literally the same stories here's the issue I had with my partner okay well explore it insightful II maybe will even come up with a game plan of how to choose a new response in this future fight that of course is gonna happen flash forward to that next week same fight Groundhogs Day Water Kingdom so you would give because I give this one therapy a lot it's like okay when there's a breakdown or a fight the therapist will give a tool to try to like defuse a fight or to say okay let's take ten seconds of a breathing together let's step out of the room and then come back together I will call whatever it is right there's like different tools you can use in an argument or a fight with a loved one or a friend or or anything like that but why don't they seem to work most the time why is that why don't they work when we're having that conversation about what to do next we're in a part of our brain that where consciousness lives this is where we can be separate from ourselves our thoughts our feelings or I do my little like spotlight where we're like this little observational spotlight of ourselves we have access to logic to long-term planning you know that's the part of our brain that makes us human this ability to be conscious to observe ourselves to think about thought beautiful power and gift that we have we're not able to do that in that dress one moment those are the moments that we're having this conversation so a lot of therapy sessions take place very consciously we're I'm beyond some most therapy rooms it's very nice that nice balanced place and so we get it but you're right when we get into the moments where we need to use it we're now functioning from a lower part of our brains called the subconscious which is part of our past I talk a lot about the subconscious the means in which we literally carry our past or all of our wounds live and what causes those emotional reactions so even if I have trouble if I know what I'm gonna do differently we're gonna hey you're my partner and we we love this idea of timeout so when things get escalate we're gonna timeout chances are when an emotion is touched in one or both of us we're right we're shifting right back down to that emotional lower center of our brain and that's gonna dictate what we do and we're probably gonna do the same thing that we always do when we're absolutely at screens create a trauma dissociate I love that one myself is that what you do oh I used to be the queen I used to call my spaceship I used to go away and I got very good at not appearing away so I could still continue but emotionally I was so disconnected from myself the moment my feels you would be there pretty you'd be physically there but not emotionally I never just disconnected most connect so I'd be you know very calm talking or an appearance because I was but here on okay down here there might have been a whole multitude of feelings bubbling up but that was too much too overwhelming so how what's the okay so these tools can only work to a certain point it seems like based on your experience of working with a lot of people one on one and seeing them come back okay we tried timeout we tried this so it seems like the only work to a certain point of our ability to be conscious of the moment right yes is it true or yeah we're there yet consciousness is where we are granted choice otherwise that subconscious is gonna run those same patterns behavioral motion it's almost like we have no choice no choice we are we're disempowered we are you'll hear me often talk about we've come we become reactive to the environment we live a reactive life toward the environment as in things happen in our world and I only react in the same way typically and that's it makes us feel very powerless very victimized we are a victim of circumstance in that way so how do we change that power this feeling that yeah we have to practice consciousness we really have to I mean change begins when you practice being conscious practice showing up practice observing yourself practice observing all of the patterns not just when it's calm but when it's I honestly don't suggest you begin to practice what it's chaotic practice when it's calm got you so that you can practice when it's chaotic so give me an example like when it's calm how would you be responding in a certain way of love or peace as opposed to hysteria yeah well that'd be like reframed that because I think it's really important and you're not being triggered then how do you practice exactly in a lot of us we eat because oh I only have an issue when I'm triggered right so I'm gonna wait to use this new tool then so we can't just wait till then because we're not going to use something new then we're going to do the thing that was for Miller then so I really am a harbor on the point of consistency and to be just developing a consistent practice of what we're talking enough confidence to that when you really need to be observational of yourself to see why you know that dish that was left out was so offensive there's a trigger right and cream that space then so that distance still be there I still can feel incensed by it because that doesn't go away right away but I might not throw it at my partner or knock it on the floor you know I might choose a different response so it's really a gradual evolution but it starts by practicing consistently all of the time starting in small moments of course because I'm the biggest believer and too much change too quickly overwhelms assistants so you're not gonna your intention isn't gonna be oh I'm completely unconscious so now I'm just gonna start being completely conscious starting tomorrow no no sorry you're gonna start to be conscious in one moment in your day for a good long string of days and then maybe you're gonna try to do it for two moments in your neck and then three I'd say I mean my my girlfriend moved in a couple months ago and I'm so used to a certain routine every single day of the way I like things right and so when she moved in with our dog it was like I had to learn so many new ways of living in my space and our space now and I love to make the bed right away right after I get up she gets up I get up early and I go to the work gym and I like to make my bed right away she likes her sleeping a little longer and doesn't like to make the bed as quickly and I had to learn because we were making the bed quickly and then it's like not being a no I want to be I want to be but I had to like just learn to accept certain changes without reacting and being like even though I'm used to a certain way all the time am i okay with not doing this or it not being done the way I want it to be now they've been in a new relationship and I've been able to observe and practice without getting upset or without getting mad being like okay this is how it's gonna be and if I want it to be done a certain way I can make a request I can wait till she wakes up and then I can do it myself you know or whatever maybe we can create some new type of relationship around it but I need to be willing to evolve and change as well where I'm not always gonna get everything that I want all the time in an intimate relationship is that not true yeah that's sure you also highlighted something very real which is that it doesn't mean that right away you're right on board right you know right away you might wish that she was up and your bed was made and that's okay we shame ourself as humans because if we have that old reaction or a sign that old meaning immediately we become shameful I should have done that I should it doesn't matter I mean we're gonna have those thoughts they're gonna stick around for a mile we're gonna have those feelings even they're gonna stick around for a while but we can start to create new choices and we don't have to feel badly you know about desiring to live those old familiar patterns it's actually part of being human I have I feel like I'm so proud of myself in the last few months because my girlfriend moved in and it was stressful the first cold months there were so many beautiful days and but then there was like things that would trigger her that then would trigger me how it happens in couple she's a passionate Latina and she likes these we're way too so I could if I remember just thinking to myself like I could easily go back into a pattern of trauma resentment feeling abuse not feeling a sense of fairness whatever my childhood traumas were and there were a couple times where I did argue from that place and I realize this is not gonna work if I come from this place this relationship will not thrive and I'm not saying it's okay for her to come from that place so we're working on things together but I just realized like is it better for me to be right and try to prove my point and argue something or is it better to just listen love come from a place of peace in that moment and then reflect and talk about it later like the next day even though I want answers now I resolve this right now here's why I'm like I want to defend my point but it's been a beautiful shift in my partner since I've been doing that and just letting my ego go of like needing to be a writer of a certain situation it's amazing I'm not saying it's easy but it's amazing the amount of love and I just automatically switch to appreciation right when there's a trigger or something I'm just like I appreciated you so much you're right about that I'm gonna work on this more even if she's not a hundred some writer it's like you're right about this and I can empathize with this and it's been incredible it's so hard to do unless you practice and so what I do every morning is I just shower with appreciation when it's called and I'm like already in that mode and I just think that's a game changer and I'm not I'm not saying I have it all figured out and I have this like perfect relationship but I hear so many people in relationships who struggle and I asked them I was like when's the last time you texted what you appreciate about them so Whitney of what isn't appreciated what could be done differently what you said - really I think beautiful pieces in that which is that I mean first and foremost I want to knowledge you Louis because you changed mm-hmm right you didn't yes a partner change right you said I'm gonna experiment with all I can have a new relationship with this experience so I can do differently and a lot of us when there's discomfort or conflict in a relationship we do very quickly what the other person is this is back to that reactive way of living right if the environment is affecting me negatively that we were describing earlier myself you're my partner and you are the environment that's affected me like I'm late please change so that I can now feel better but change comes within I mean so that was very beautiful that you owned the responsibility I think there's also something to be said about this concept of right and wrong I mean not to go all esoteric but we can make an argument for days about this concept is right is there anything right and you said something beautiful it's not necessarily a fight we can shift from and need to be right or wrong to just an attempt to understand that's it empathize with where the person is coming from where they're why they see that perspective that they are what about and something else I think that is beautiful is your realization that somewhere wrapped up in here was that pass that was very painful for you but very much alive in this moment it doesn't mean that that this moment embodied the past yes in an objective way it just means that it triggers a part of you that remembers that past right so very really beauty I'm gonna love that illustration that really touches on the work that needs to or that we have in our practice I'm just practicing like I'm doing things I normally wouldn't do but also the things I'd only want to do have never fully worked for me in a relationship you know I just always used to doing things my way mm-hmm because this is who I am and don't change me and don't yeah exactly right and now I'm just like okay even though it may seem a little more time to do this thing or a little more effort here or to sacrifice something else in my life to cultivate this over here if that's what I'm calling a sacrifice just by doing any experimenting these things even though I was resistant to them in the first couple months like him do I really need to go do this thing in my life that I did all the time that wasn't really adding value or spending that extra 10 minutes cultivating this relationship more meaningful it so just shifting the awareness of my life about what I thought I wanted to what's actually more valuable so not to go off on this but I feel like what I wanted to talk about is people practicing when and you're not in conflict and the reason why tools don't work is because I don't think people are practicing enough when there's not trauma or stressful moments and is that is there anything else that could I guess make the tools work except for conscious practicing I guess it's also healing your traumas but how do we start to well that's it actually so the way I think about a healing journey and kind of build it into a foundational pyramid okay with the bottom layer being our physiological body our nervous system about it because to speak to your point that you're very beautifully alluding to which is that we do we carry dis regulations physiological imbalances nervous system dysregulation what's the book the body keeps us cool and keeps us going I've never read about here it's great yeah it's really it's really anyone reading it's it's dense scientifically so I know it can kind of dissuade people away from it because it he does it's an incredibly pivotal impactful book and I definitely suggest people give it a shot but I know that it can be pretty dense the the overall premise is that trauma is stored in the body yeah I'm a believer that most of us have some degree of a traumatic experience in our past I'm a big believer in expanding the definition of trauma beyond that the big t the way we typically think about it it doesn't need to be a physical trauma can be emotional psychological emotional it's interpersonal it's not feeling seen not feeling loved we accept as the authentic being that we are by typically our earliest relationships our caregivers our schools our things like that my best friends or ever you yeah so expanding trauma I mean I throw the net quite wide like I really have yet to meet people that don't take some of the boxes that are in my opinion exactly what's the greatest trauma most people face or feel right now I think not feelings significant not feeling authentic and theirs themselves which began not feeling seen and authentic as being a separate being in their earliest relationships I think we all carry a version of that really because it's incredibly difficult for a human to show up for another human an infant their infant so because the remodeling things directly indirectly so any any conflicts any struggles any imbalances any any conditionings it's not so positive that caregivers a parents you know I've struggled with probably is gonna be modeled in the exact same way and this is where intergenerational patterns happen if you look back in your families you'll see the same sort of patterns you know as you start to become conscious and as you start to observe these your parents and their parents that this to them and their parents that and if you really want to go into the physiological layer that we're talking about now I mean you're you were grown right as a baby as a as an embryo in a body right so that humans body that's housing this little developing fetus is in some version of physical regulation or dysregulation right so if you really want to go back you know these imbalances are affecting you in development so then you come out and then all of your body and how it functions is affected by the food you eat by the choices you make in terms of how much sleep you got how do you handle stress essentially what you do all day is gonna affect whether your body's regulated or not who do you think is more I'm gonna compare traumatic experiences but whoa who in your mind who do you think would have a harder time the child who feels not seen or taken care of by the parent or the parent who is giving their heart and life to the child but doesn't see don't feel seen acknowledged for their caregiving yeah because I can only imagine oh thank you parents like saying I've given you my life I'm sacrificing my dreams or whatever the conversation might be to you and you're ungrateful you're not loving you're angry you're what do you think is more traumatic the parent trauma or the child trauma I think very equally equally traumatic and I was actually talking about this this morning with my partner there's an aspect of it that whatever the story from the child side and from the parent side that is their truth right there that's their experience oh that's their truth emotionally that is Richard doesn't matter objectively if an observer would say oh no I actually think you did give enough to actually you know appreciative right there doesn't matter because either those parties are living in their truth which can be equally in my opinion as traumatizing and probably chances are that parent when they were a child right probably at some version of that experience similar or almost complete opposition sometimes we kind of go and over a compensation attempt to that so I you know so that my argument then being so now you here to have a caregiver who probably is carrying their own trauma from their caregivers yes and now is carrying their own trauma from having you know a child and then this is where a really big snowball gets created and I think back to the why why now why the popularity of the account I think we're finally at a time and Collective evolution where it's very apparent that these old ways these old conditioning patterns aren't helpful and now we're starting to have the tools the internet being one of them where all this information can come out and be out in the world and now you see a collective evolution happening yes I don't want to cut you off I apologize be said the triangle of healing journey is that a pyramid the body and the physiological ways we are dysregulated or imbalance and then the nervous system because without that imbalance and this was my story for quite some time because I was I lived my life in fight-or-flight all to my whole life and that sympathetic in a nervous system response which means my nervous system as yours does and as yours controls our whole body so when you're in that reach its react we feel very emotionally reactive everything feels like we're waiting for that next draw alright and next draw and everything I mean my water being empty right now could be a straw if I you know if I was like amped up enough living in that really prevented me and this is why I'm so passionate about holistic healing one of the definitions of holistic being of the body also of a whole you know my body I believe soul how all these parts interact we need to include the body because from my life having tools being in therapy being on medication my body was so dysregulated at the nervous system level that it didn't matter if I very insightful II knew that time I need to call this timeout with you Louis I want it because my body was too dysregulated to give me a change you messed up that's why I put that at the bottom you have to heal the body first is that what I'm doing engage in a process because this is long term we don't make one change again overnight and our body is a decade's long time I mean I've been on the healing journey for some time and I'm still releasing areas of inflammation that I'm carrying in my body my digestive my digestion is still working its way out from a lifetime of digestive issues related to mouth yes yeah so and I'm yours it you know it got significantly better you know and along the way but start by healing the body and definitely if you're out there and you're listening and you have a nervous system dysregulation if you always feel on edge and in that fight-or-flight if you've heard that you have adrenal fatigue now we have a medical diagnosis for it you need to be adding some version of whether it's breath work or some version of nervous system regulation because that's going to give you the balance or some foundation to then be able to dive in and create deeper change okay so the bottom of the pyramid is the body the body look at the choices you're making around your lifestyle how you care for your body is there anything that you can add change decrease and also look at your nervous system and build I do a daily practice of breath work still and I will always do it I just think it's a no-brainer I think there's so many apps and programs and experts out there teaching it because it works it's helping it's powerful and people have been doing meditation and presberg for thousands of years because it keeps them grounded centered calm and not in a stressful environment I definitely recommend practicing it so the bodies first and then what's after that so moving up then to the mind the minds developing consciousness creating for a lot of us it means it means it means creating the distance from our thoughts based in the reality that none of us are our thoughts hmm we believe we are we believe are our thoughts we believe are the story that we've told ourselves about who we are right when I went who are earlier when you're talking as we are all right this is my narrative that's all created it's all created from our past conditioning so even though who we think we are is not the who that we are those are patterns of thinking in our head those are stories that our ego is it's all day long about who we are compared to who other people are who we are is the awareness that sits behind our thoughts so this is what the this kind of tier of thinking mind work is to first create that separation I suggest doing it in a in a meditation practice our goal is to do it all day long but when we're sitting and we're quiet even if we're meditating for one minute which is definitely the amount of minutes that I suggest a new meditator do you meditate for because it's a long time this is difficult for some of us it's the first time we're tuning in so internal world it's not always comfortable in there a lot of us like to run away from it a lot of us spend a lot of our day running away from it so once we learn how to observe our thoughts so by closing our eyes by sitting in a quiet room thoughts are gonna calm that gives you the first experience of being separate because who's watching them you're who's watching them the goal though is to build the bridge and to do that all day long but it doesn't come overnight once we become an observer of our thoughts throughout our day then we get to do the deeper work that I'm always talking about of the ego and the inner child because you're gonna start to see the very repetitive patterns in your thinking that are causing you to then have very repetitive consistent feelings in your body which are physiological that's why they're real - when we're stuck in consistent feelings you know it feels very invalidating to have people to say do well just stop feeling like that alright I can't because been I've been wanting to blame myself as doing that to people in the past it was not until you really like go through this process you can start to have empathy and compassion for everyone's journey yeah quite literally some we get stuck in feelings feelings are physiological events in our body they become familiar so my story about me in fight-or-flight my most frequently frequently visit emotion with stress was chaos everyday it's all I knew so how long at all how old probably until 37 else oh not very in the distant past I just lived in chaos if you would be talking to me Louis I would say all I wasn't I'm I'm a hippie at heart I just want to throw peace on peace and freedom that's all I want right but the second I would find myself what could have been experience as a moment of peace or freedom maybe I'm sitting quietly somewhere that was so uncomfortable trustful video really it was just it was uncomfortable my body register is unfamiliar you're not used to this so then if no one was around I would start to worry about the thing yesterday that happened or maybe tomorrow right so now I'm creating a change in my body because the more I think a stressful thought the more I release stress hormones right and now I'm having my body's back into that zone of comfort it loves being stressed that's what it knows right person was around me this is where it gets really fun and complicated bringing our relationships into the picture if a person was around me watch out because before I know it if I was in that unfamiliar peaceful space I might agitate the situation before you know what I might be picking a bit of a fight with my partner or whoever's around what are you doing this why this increase the stress back to my zone of comfort that's how I'm used to feeling so that's back to that concept of stock we're stuck because we're subconsciously stuck in our familiarize comfort zone even though that's not the police that's one of the behaviors those aren't the thoughts there's not the ways that we're gonna feel to get us the life that we want but that's what's familiar okay so the more you practice self observation the more you get to see yourself living the also very uncomfortable this is uncomfortable work and you get to reflect and say okay you know on a scale of one to ten how traumatic was that feeling all day or how stressed out was I was an eight all day okay why were you in aids what's allowing you to stay at an aids why are you still Annie why do you stay there what's what's the payoff right what's the price you're paying and what's the payoff you're getting by being at that level what would it take for you to drop at two points or whatever this is how I think what do you imagine what's happen if you dropped it yes well could you create in your life also negative how'd you relationship some of us get caught in a negative feeling as counter to of those counterintuitive as this might sound in fear of what life would be like without right fear of the good things happening it's very complicated why are so many people afraid of more good things happening to them do they think they're not worthy or deserving of it what did you ask me when we first started right what is the trauma the most prolific trauma not being Sene or further off feeling enough as a child Wow so if we have a deep-rooted feeling of not enough or not worthy those are the two frequent iterations actually airings come to us why should they come to us and it doesn't matter if logically you really want that good thing if subconsciously you're an unworthy human being you're not going to get it that's why when people get it they'll sabotage it and I'll lose it right yes so how do we come to a place of worthiness of truly feeling and knowing we are enough and we are deserving of goodness in our life how do we get to that place I usually do in a two-fold process because I think the first layer of the process is observing all the times you're telling yourself you're not enough all day and stop in that [ __ ] meaning you can't stop it I'm joking when I say that because you can't stop observe it observe it your subconscious is gonna give you that language whatever it is you know we all have different languages that we love to diminish our self around so whatever it is the thing that you're you're a loser you're not worthy whatever your language is place not that four places yeah but you can't stop that so I want to just acknowledge that or this is another moment we could become very shameful frustrated and tell us the works not work why is this still here I know it's there turn it off nope so I observe it being there yeah but I don't you said something important I don't spend that much time in yeah so what mom would still who wants subconsciously this is why I'm gonna stay to fact feelings have an end they commonly go you know depending on who you read or you know how many seconds it is or minutes it is or you know they come and they go we do not allow them to go because I say we bring them up to our mental world and what are those gymnastics for it so if you then repeat so if that thing happens in your environment your subconscious offers you that the reason that that thing happened is because you're a loser right which it probably still will do mmm-hmm you can still show up conscious they say oh you know thank you subconscious thank you for reminding me of that but I'm not gonna that's not how I am that's not who I am so I can now remove my attention put it anywhere else what am i doing maybe I put my attention or my breath just get out of that script stop repeating it to yourself to simplify it because the difference between it going so using your language of changing the script or just removing your attention from your thinking mind yourself in your body reveal the room you're in do those deep belly breaths go for a walk and pay attention to your legs walking as simple as that sounds get out of your mind because the more time you spend repeating I'm a loser I'm a loser I'm a loser now you are gonna carry that feeling you are that home you might carry it in the next week some of us have lived in the past of feelings that have originated decades ago because we're repeating it so we're telling us that story and because then the more we do that the more we scan our environment for more and more evidence so if I something news there happened to me at lunch I'm probably gonna find the loser thing that happened to me at dinner and right before bed and again I can really start a snowball rolling down a mountain and not a helpful way the first thing is observe it observe it what's the next thing remove the focus from it remove focus okay without judgment let me add that part in there that's correct this is where we get really judgmental of course and beat up now we're a loser create a loser thought you know what I mean mmm okay it was there anything out of the two steps are two steps and then remember move focus without judgment and then this is where affirmation work can happen all right if we want to start so that to replace my first we want to diminish the increase I mean decrease the amount of time and the fallout of negative thinking that a lot of us have been over practiced and then we can become impactful if you are someone who like I mean affirmations what they are simply a new thought so then if you do start to practice telling yourself that I am worthy that might have it you might have a chance overtime of actually believing that and then you might have a chance overtime of actually seeing instances in your environment of your worthiness yes but that doesn't work and this is why in my opinion affirmation works affirmation work in it of itself it's kind of called woowoo and a lot of people become frustrated and it doesn't work and it won't because if you do maybe you have a morning routine where you tell yourself some beautiful affirmations if for the rest of your day as a lot of us are you're back in your subconscious and you're not practicing consciousness the rest of the day your subconscious may be reminding you of how not worthy you are and that's why I don't think affirmations are as successful as they can be so until you start to remove that focus all day long and just be consciously present to what is happening without judgment then you can start to give yourself a chance at believing over time that I am worthy or whatever it is let's refer to believe of your love that you got the body the next step the mind what's after the mo so once we understand so once you've done a significant amount of time observing yourself now you really can dive into the world so like the the the deepest tip if you will over the work is the whole world of the inner child of the ego that we're carrying with us that are coloring our experiences in our environment but you can't do that work as a lot of us want to do until you have these other tools really until you take care of your physical needs the body until you help with breath work meditation calming the body relaxing the body then observing yourself your thoughts why your reactive why things are stressful for you you can't heal the inner child or the ego until you do those first two things why is that well you won't first and foremost you won't be able to see it happen to stress your two because you go I say you unconscious back to our examples right of our arguments I'm unconsciously living in my past in that moment so you can't really see to be observational you need to be there and you're in your content you can't see what's happening you only see the reality at your time what you're feeling you're just feeling in it so I'm upset that you hurt me I'm upset too yes what have you mean right you're not actually observing what happened and what the story told yourself was about the dish go back to that example that led you to be so incensed the dish did nothing in this in this example right the dish is just a dish on a table but but one you saw that dish you said something to yourself you rehearse that you went through some filter that then colored how you're feeling and then what happened next I mean they're abusing me there until you show up consciously in practice seeing observing that you have no idea you actually think that dish was the problem right you're so stuck in it you're unconscious to it so can't be done until you start to develop that distance and that space that I'm talking because even when you're doing the ego work and the inner child work those reactions are still there alive for you so if you don't have that space you're gonna continue to choose those old reactions so as you practice consciousness that's what gives you that space so they can be here and be happening in your world in your subconscious world and you can still be online and making the choices not allowing them to make the choices this alone this part of the same you just could transform so many people's lives just by understanding the process because I think a lot of us try to just do breath work and think we're gonna get healed just think about our ego and healing trauma well the inner child work but you need to do it's like the process is so much clearer and I know you're gonna be writing about this in your book which I'm excited about but this process alone is gonna change a lot of life so I'm very grateful were going through this is there another step to this pyramid of healing or is it the body mind and well then I would ask you to draw a big circle around it and say in repeat for life okay just like a final that's the final piece and that's I joke when I say that wholeheartedly because just as much as I don't know where to start on I want to just work on one thing a lot of people myself included want to hear when the end happens whatever just dunk never done yeah the healing journey is a lifelong journey until the day you die problem and just as much right if you do all this work and you get to this great place if you stop making these choices if you let your body fall into disarray you're right back into the dysregulated state before you know it right if you stop being conscious before you know what you truly do some others like maybe it's different narratives or different habits that you're now living but you're still living in an unconscious state what is the practice every day then breath work / meditation prayer and then what would the practice be on observing self thoughts in the mind is it kind of just an all-day practice yeah so what I do is never starving so what I do is I show up and I do meditation every day just in a contained way just to keep I mean it's a mental exercise so that I can carry that then practice throughout my day so I I don't know not everyone has to have a structured meditation practice I just think it's helpful you know to have that consistency every day right and to remind myself okay this is what you're you're about Nicole you're not those thoughts that are so some days my brain is much louder than other days all day long depending on what's happening sometimes I have resources to make new choices you know that I want to make in some days I don't I fall right back if I'm tired if I'm hormonal you know sometimes I still react in those old ways so I keep a consistent daily practice as that mental training I said I start my day in peace and then I practice all day long I try to be as conscious as possible I've now learned remember I am someone who I just said a couple minutes ago I spent my whole day dissociated I was on my spaceship so this took me a long time to cultivate the ability to be present in my body and in my moments throughout my day so this did not come overnight and so all day long then it became a practice of I learned to distinguish between when I'm not present I learned how it feels in my body or am I in my interaction it's like I can tell when I'm like somewhere else now cuz everything feels a little fuzzy I feel it more distance I maybe can't feel ground into my body and I can tell when I'm here obviously then I try to make the decision or more all occasions to bring myself back into that conscious state back into that presence so then I do that all day yes and then as I'm journey about my day I am gifted with teachers of triggers you know meaning I you know tell myself stories and I can be observational than in those pivotal moments okay why did this thing that this random stranger said or did to me become so upsetting and then I can start to uncover oh this is my ego still you know telling me this story about myself or oh this is my wounded child who really just wants to be seen in this moment right so it's then it becomes a varied you know experience on the daily but once you're conscious then you can begin to navigate your daily life in a new way what's your biggest trigger not feeling considered by far sooner considered that goes back to that little child who didn't feel considered in the being that I was I was I was rewarded historically over the course of my life for my accomplishments for what I did not for who I was hmm so considered for some reason that's the word that I was for being yeah yeah that's a word that always for whatever reason got attached to that lack of that feeling that childhood wound that comes up now and that's what I'll see myself saying oh my partner didn't consider me in doing this oh this person didn't consider to me when this considerate when they were yeah yeah actually on my way here I should tell you this morning my partner tried to have a conversation with me that I did not want to have and my first thought was she didn't consider what my day looks like today instead of you know and that wasn't true she absolutely knew what my day was like today you know she wanted to have a conversation and I can be flexible and I can just as much say I would like to not have that conversation today because of what my day looks but my first instinct and still there why should going here know something there's a first thing my subconscious assigned to that I've done a lot of work on that nail so I now know that's not true but I share that as an example after having done a lot of work it's still there I didn't scream I didn't yell you know I was able to you know I mean school greatness don't mess with my morning take a few rest and come back and we were okay but it's still there but that's my core one that's one of my core some ones that comes up and you'd be surprised or maybe not I can make everything an example of me not being concise didn't have a bigger classroom here you do have issues isn't it crazy the stories we can tell ourselves what we're not being seen for considered for enough for or yeah well part of it too and this is where we can also become flexible in our relationships just to keep going back to this when I have such a I've obviously defined the ways in which I accept consideration right which are probably gonna be different it is back to that love languages I'm sure a lot of listeners and now heard about love languages right so I've subconsciously come up with the things that work for me to feel considered that however might be excluding a lot of the things that my partner does do every day that are considering of me considerate that you don't see them because they're not in my equation of consideration so that allows a level of flexibility to you know if I can open up and maybe explore other ways that she very much more authentically to herself is able to consider me I can let that in know so that's another version of flexibility that can happen in a relationship because we all lead in a lot of ways with subjectively what works for us and then we assume the person to be I'll meet to that need exactly the way it works for us and that's not realistic and not always healthy cuz now I I mean can you indirectly in someway or implicitly to change who you are and it's not enough of what you're doing for me yeah and it could be me leaving you feeling minimizing and validate yourself because you could think you're doing this and you likely are but I'm not seeing it I mean this is real life for so many people I always had a stare Perella on last week and we were talking about like the expectations we have for our partner is to be like all things to us at all times you know romantic all the time sexual considerate hmm you know taking care of all these different needs and responsibilities for what we need for what I want for all these things and she was saying like we have such high expectations that we're always going to be unhappy unless we start to change the expectation and start to really adapt in the way you're talking about here I think it's so important to think about where it comes from developmentally a time or place for as humans we actually did need someone to be everything for us I mean when we're born developmentally we are and we are not able to care we are the one species that it cannot care for ourselves so that that need at an infancy time Israel you you are completely dependent having all your needs met on one or two or whomever caregivers of many sort whoever that might be so developmentally though we have to learn how to internalize that process and meet our own needs and a lot of us just don't cuz we didn't have the models to teach us how because our parents weren't doing that yeah I know how do you forgive parents when I know you're publicly have talked about what's the grading boundaries is it boundaries or what's the thing you say yeah you've created a boundary don't speak I have no contact now you have no contact now it's been I think a year or two years or something yeah how do as kids how do we forgive our parents even if what they did was the best they could do or maybe they didn't do such a good job how do we give them either way I mean learned to do that process so that it doesn't keep hurting us I think forgiveness comes when we're able to empathize or understand sometimes that does come it can only come with distance if we're living in the situation it can be harder to breathe the distance to do this but a lot of times as we age as we just develop physically separate families I'm voting right we can look back and as we gain our own maturity in our own experience in relationship that helps inform the ability to empathize which just means to understand you know from another perspective why or what might have been influencing the choices or the reactions that you may be experienced with in the relationship with them right so once we can understand I think that allows a certain level of forgiveness I think once we're also able to in the process of understanding let me word it this way often what we find is that it was never really about us us us right it was about their own yes their own traumas their own abilities again as a kid we're in what is called egocentric mind our that we develop brain functioning for this way kind of it evolves over time we don't just get all of the abilities that we have and how self-aware or five years old yeah and we go through a very critical developmental age range where we cannot empathize we cannot see a perspective outside of our own everything is happening for us because of us to us that is it it's part of the center of the world we are quite literally and their cognitive Li can't see otherwise okay so that's really problematic because when a bad thing is inflicted upon us by our caregivers we cannot help but assume it's because we're not worthy not good enough what have you all right we cannot do differently but once we've developed a maturity and aged out of that and maybe we do perspective perspective now maybe we can deep personalize it we can see that okay even if it's egregious and who's right we might be able to even trace back you know what had happened to that caregiver that result doesn't okay it when I have these conversations a lot the response I get around boundaries too right is well this your okaying abuse or your okay no it's an end situation I can empathize I can do personalized I can come to the understanding that it's not me and I still might choose to put a boundary within this relationship I still might choose to do whatever I want to choose to do it becomes ad because I can understand this is where I used to struggle a lot cuz I have a in and I have a crazy capacity to understand people and to understand why people do what they do to the extent that I would invalidate my experience of them for so long and then allow them to do what they want to do around me or to me my whole life right so not helpful so I had to evolve into that and I can understand their boundaries and this doesn't work for me and I'm break up with you so my life is gonna now be over here you know and so I say that because empathizing understanding deep personalizing still can allow you to create important boundaries so even if you're able to forgive your parents or whoever we're talking about here doesn't mean that you have to accept them as an active relationship in your life so I feel very forgiving of my family I've always understood why and how these patterns have been put in place and translated and why I've had the experience is within that family structure that I have I'm if you will forgiving of them right and I'm choosing not to have a relationship because for me for now and where they're at with what my choice initially was to step away from the relationship we it just isn't happening in this moment I don't know will be is it because it's too triggering for you when you're around them or you just don't feel you're in a good space in terms of connecting with them again yeah if you wanted it like hang out in for the weekend is it just too triggering for you so in the beginning it was the reason I went full no contact if you try to be because of their the family structure the lack of boundaries tune into last episode I talk all about it yes that you know being the case and it being triggering so for me to get that stability in my healing I have tried to reengage contact with them now on one occasion I recently actually just sent them a letter to let them know that I'm living out here and it has been met with oh I guess three occasions because I recently sent my nephew a card that was also returned so in little messages trickling my way that they're maybe not interested right now in pursuing that open door yeah so it's not about necessarily I don't know how I would feel in front of them that would be interesting for me now if we were able to find a way back to some sort of person-to-person interaction with one or all of the family member that would be really awesome videotape dad see you know if at some point there becomes you know a reconnection but I have tried and it just seems like the door is is closed on there and I'm sure they're angry yeah of course I can even understand and forgive that yeah of course you know I I know that they daughter does they don't understand of course and I can't expect them to understand Wow okay there is see why am i there any loose ends here we've got the healing journey pyramid trauma stored in the body that's some good stuff right now but I have how to feel enough three steps there that's great I think cuz most people talk about affirmations but it's not enough until you the first two steps yes I love this there's three doing some research on your Instagram lately and there's three posts that essentially did you know three to four times more engagement and comments and reactions and all the other stuff and I wanted to kind of dive into three of these things because I think it'd be really powerful since people need this right now one is how to say no without apologizing I think as a people-pleaser myself from the past and still recovering people please there it's been really hard to say learning to say no over the last few years but I'm getting better and better at it without feeling like I'm letting someone down or someone's gonna be upset with me as a kid who never had friends growing up it's always like I don't want to ruffle the feathers of the friends that I had and so I have to learn how to be like if they're upset and they don't understand there's nothing I can do and I'm giving them my best so how do we say no without apologizing yeah it's hard this is really grounded Louis and a lot you go out of us I mean I totally resonate with people pleasing I've been calling it an epidemic of codependency back to right this childhood where if we're not enough what we do were very adaptive yeah so what most of us do is similar to what you did right with your friends not having much friends you know you became so attuned to whatever you want for the funds that you have to keep those relationships right we do that within our caregiving units our family structures we we find a way to keep the things that we need which are connections with other humans love from another human we are we are interpersonal species that is it we actually need to be bonded together like I said earlier out of developmental necessity and then just generally in life I mean think back to evolutionary days and tribes and there's very real research out there now it the de coeur the stress goes down we are interconnected with other humans aside from the division of labor oh you can help relieve the stress of my objective life just the the emotions and we actually release oxytocin when were connected to another human we need those hormones so we need to be connected so we get very adaptive and we find the ways so if we've developed an in a household right where we're not seen as a separate entity and able to develop connections and relationships with other separate entities in our in our family again I talked a lot about Animesh codependent family in our last talk that's what I've come from we get very externally oriented as what I say right I start to become so attuned to the outside world so that I can manage how I feel by showing up to friendships or doing the thing or answering the phone call by not saying no so once we come to that realization and we want and we understand the impact that always being available has on ourselves and on our relationship and it hurts our relationship it does because relation with ourselves - yes and what happens I was sadly over time if I always say yes to you and I'm even if I mean no before I know it I don't like you I'm not upset like why are you sitting before you answer yes like not really liking you rejecting the fact that you see me as you but I'm really upset if I really look down at it it's I needed to start saying no how the hell would you know I mean we like to believe that other humans especially when they're our partners are mind reader's we love this idea that people seem right but we're talk about you just all you're never gonna have the same reality is another person so we like that idea so we we say the yeses we and then we get upset at the person so it really is damaging of our relationships and I know I lived the hard way I had to learn how to say no my go-to is not necessarily know with it with an apology I liked apologies I peppered those in my preference was Noah think excuse with the why here's why I can't I need it to validate the reason I was disappointing someone with this belief that it wasn't enough just to not to want to or to feel like it or just to be somewhere else in any given moment so how do we say no without an excuse for an apology then yeah practice I mean it's hard you know it's very very difficult first and foremost it's accepting the reality that you're you have ever you're welcome to say no you're allowed to say no and that's saying no doesn't diminish who you are or the relationship again this is the deeper this is an evolution of work we don't just turn off you know the the belief that I have to say no to maintain these friendships we don't just overnight come by a new belief right so we can practice and I suggest practicing I say look around the periphery right start to say no so what this looked like for me I started to put up boundaries or just say my nose in my professional world where it felt a little easier right so some requests that would come in and from people that I maybe didn't really know it would feel and it's virtual so I can even send an email through my phone which has happened before and run away and come back later you know what I mean so easier for me so I practice there before I practice may be saying no with my immediate family or my partner there's gonna be some sin there might be some relationships that are it might be even easier maybe you do have that one friend that is like casual about it you know you're gonna find the moments of practice but the theme for tonight you have to practice yeah because it's gonna be really hard when you're faced with that saying that no and what's gonna happen is everything that happens in your mind that prevented you from saying that no for however many years you have not said that no it's gonna happen in your mind the second you won't first of all before you say they no trying to convince you out of saying you know so before you know what you're saying yes again right this is where consciously you know you have to say no no pure at the end or no whatever you want to deliver the message being and then on the backside once it's delivered your mind is gonna try to convince you out of that no still oh you're terrible oh this person is gonna hate you oh it's been two hours if they respond it clearly it's the relationship is over right now the work is still on you don't spend time in that thought just like we were talking earlier I'll get the hell out of there but don't expect it not to be there I call them the feel bad the feel bad have haunted me around every boundary I've said set for quite a long time before they diminish and they still are there every now and again I still find myself feeling bad almost into saying yes maybe I'm even feeling bad once I've said - no but I'm like carrying that but I get to choose how long do I want to live in this feel bad it's not good yeah and a really cool thing happens as you practice you start to learn and see sometimes you do get that feared response sometimes exactly what you imagined would happen that's not positive it does I got that a lot from my family not all the time so if you focus on the moments where the thing that you feared most didn't happen that relationship didn't end those friends still were around and they asked you to come to the movies next weekend that's what I urge you to pay attention to because that's gonna help you keep saying the nose and helping you shift out of the pattern I think if you know it's not the end of the world if someone reacts in a negative way to your no because you think it's so upset that you can unless it's like something so like my wedding or whatever you've told them months in advance or you've given them time like it all depends on the situation but if it's a friend who just like gets upset because you're busy one weekend for whatever reason then is that a great relation to a couple of things that you said on how to say no without apologizing you said a couple responses would be I won't be able to make it and I'm grateful you invited me you're not apologizing thank you for the invite you don't have a reason why mm-hmm you also said that sounds amazing it's just not something I could commit to you right now so simple solutions you can use without having to say I'm sorry I'm not gonna make it I wish I could you know things like that so I really like that how to say no without apologizing or explaining yourself this is another one you posted about relationships but I think is really empower phul now I was in a long-distance relationship for a year and the relationship moved in and things have become more let's say normalized right it wasn't every other weekend where I'm going to visit if she's week visiting and this incredible experience every weekend we still have amazing experiences put it more on each all time and you said this was I think you said I called it normal things in relationships you said feeling bored or unsettled being triggered consistently mourning the loss of single life which I felt that before and needing a loan time because I think it wasn't we getting a relationship that's normal you're rounding to their lot you think you need space right what it why is this such a powerful post that you think that you shared so many messages in response to that post of gratitude of thank you okay I've got people I talk about this with my partner my husband and we're so grateful you make us feel normal we were really worried not like her about she was about no thank you we're feeling these things and we now know that it's okay to feel these things some of it I think I mean first of all the conversation we're having today mostly right some most of it is around the relationships that we were modeled and the relationship that we were in at a young age right so that becomes our model for what relationships should be not all the times of course are we given the healthiest models the relationship you're seeing happen and the relationships were experiencing with caregivers around us appears around us again they're basin conditioning that for most of us intergenerationally transmitted by caregivers and people who are struck you know in their own world with their own issues right so not always a healthiest so I think that's a big part of it you know people just aren't modeled the healthiest type of relationships you know I think that's a big part and there's also like the Disneyfication I think I know but it's like this Disneyland that's another level of message to be like that all the time it's not that way it's also you get to create intimacy passion love like you also in my opinion you shouldn't make it boring all the time like you get to bring the energy you get to bring the love you get to be creative and care and I think powerful relationships are ones that have caring and creativity I think I heard Tony Robbins talk about that where it's like if you just have a little bit of creativity you can create that spark all the time and if you just show you care it does not to be this grand Disneyfication gesture but just creativity and caring and des will make someone feel seen now is appreciated and enough the thing that is our biggest trauma for most of us right so anyways I love that that post and the last post that I saw that was for whatever reason went crazy he's talking about childhood trauma and what childhood trauma also is which is not just physical or sexual abuse but other types of childhood trauma you said a parent denying your reality which is I think a big trial for people that gets overlooked a parent living vicariously through their child maybe you know the soccer mom or dad or whatever that's always there at the events trying to hype them up because they never got that experience and just not being seen or heard that is trauma for child for children without a trauma is there anything else you want to add to that or I mean that why that's so big for people so so much that could be could be experiences traumatizing in our earliest relationships I you picking up on the denial of reality one I think that's a real again have really met a minimum of people who haven't had that version of experience because reality is subjective so to have a caregiver be able to step out of what their perception of an event was to acknowledge your own takes this level of consciousness that we're talking about and personally I know I was not raised by two conscious human so they were not able to gift me with that so how do you how do you speak to a child who's seven who doesn't have the perception yet who doesn't have the ability to see their own thoughts and observe their own thoughts when you saw an experience happen and you're like calm and relaxed and they're going through stress and chaos how do you communicate to a child about their reality without being like just grow up you know here's what happened it's not that big a deal how do you actually speak to someone in that situation then who has a chaotic reality or stressful reality ask them I can start with as simple as asking them parents I think we'd with telling their kid it and they cut it off or they assume why they think their kid is reacting instead of saying Johnny what is going on you look upset what's happening for you right now you know what's going on for you are you feeling in your body you know what are you feeling like you want to do now just like asking I mean I think that's a really simplified answer instead of just assuming and this happens to I was sharing with my part of the other day one of the most impactful gifts or lessons that I was taught by a supervisor clinically very early on was she pointed out to me that the importance of inquiring especially around concepts that are quite universal so for example I've known anxiety like I've been saying my whole life that's all I know just so happens a lot of people that come into my treatment room or my old office have anxiety right so Lois was bring sure and say I'm anxious oh okay and I could do one of two things I could assume that when I hear you say anxiety well my brain is going to do let me put it this way it's going to a suit is going to overlay my tea my anxiety so I'm going to assume that what you mean my anxiety is exactly how I experience it I'm always on edge I feel irritable sometimes I panic wait I'm gonna make your version of anxiety exactly what vayan is or I could ask so the supervisor really and emphasize the value of not assuming you know even if it's something that you've lived especially when it's something you live ask what that person means okay Lois so anxiety anxiety feels different for everyone what so Johnny little kid Johnny right you know times like I'm nervous and you know okay Johnny tell me what nervous is for you what's going on for you right now what is making even if you think you know what made Johnny nervous ask Johnny you might be surprised that that's not what made Johnny nervous at all he made up some other story about what happened that's what made him nervous so asking is I think the most within with children with anyone really the most pivotal thing that you could ask any listening with an open mind asking and listening and then containing this is where it's really hard not how you feel about what you're hearing not trying to coach or teacher yeah and not trying to remove the discomfort that you're feeling if Johnny does share something with you that I'm not a parent I'm not going to be a parent so I cannot really I can't empathize with how it must feel when a child that you've born right is happy to feel helpless I can't yeah so that's gonna happen on top of what a million other feelings and as a parent in that moment unfortunately right obviously that's all happening over here they need to learn how to contain that so I can save the space to here and help Johnny because what we do understandably is I don't like how I feel so now I tell Johnny that's not what it was Johnny stop it you're fine anything on and that's not helpful to Johnny so it's that was my childhood my dad saying you're fine with everything yeah he was like nah man pain oh you're fine tall tales which like I was saying we all are traumatized humans raising humans I mean there's no way we don't have to be shameful parents listening moment to feel shameful I get a lot of parents who want the guide book now and how to not [ __ ] up their kids and I'm always a pair of the bad news that you're going to there's gonna be something that's gonna happen here and that's okay if you teach your child resilience and how to process their own feelings yeah they could actually come out the other side a much more resilient human being you know and and things are gonna happen we're humans raising humans that's why intergenerationally there is we're at that point in like I said the collective evolution that we all need to change do you feel like we're as humans more messed up now than ever I feel like the word mental health and the industry of self-help and the industry of therapy is just so much more talked about and bigger now than it was before is it because we're more messed up now or is it because we've always been messed up and now we're just finally using the tools or starting to learn about the tools and talking about it more I think in some ways lifestyle choices that are now being made quite universally are resulting in back to our pyramid physiological dis regulations that are causing symptoms which choices are the I think our food system I think the amount that we're moving or not moving the whole sedentary city life I mean I you know we're in a very big building sitting here filming you know this is unnatural for us humans is actually quite stressful even though I feel very common for a commenter this is actually quite stressful for us humans so even the movement into city is you know it's a stress we have to understand this so there's there's a lot I do believe that shift it just in terms of humanity that is causing symptoms a lack of a major rest you know if you will lack their own so the connection yeah I also think that we're at a very beautiful time for Humanity where we're awakening and we're actually moving toward healing at such a fast rate that I don't see it as we're going to hell in a handbasket and things are just becoming more [ __ ] up or we got me more messed up I actually think we're on the brink of incredible growth an incredible evolution so I think it's that and again but I do think that yeah just the humanity there's a lot of just environments that we're living in that are causing a lot of stress on our systems what's the thing we need most no matter where we're at in our stage of healing journey what do we need to think about and remind ourselves the most every single day I'm connecting to ourselves coming back coming back home going inward reminding you that there is a self behind it all that you might feel very disconnected from but that's worth getting to know that makes all of this work I'm worth it right as a therapist doing this work what's your biggest fear moving forward with the amount of attention that you've gained in the last year or two years and the amount of attention here to continue to gain do you have any fears around that do any fears of like anything yeah I think securities or yes so this beautifully full circle all right back that little girl who was never considered who desperately wanted to be seen and considered it's one of the most challenging things for me to do and show up for so this has been the case before you know growth I mean this has been the case with 1,000 followers this has been the case the first time I got on camera this has been the case when I hit a million so this will I'm sure the numbers exponentially grow and as I start to do maybe like speak like things where I can see now the people more visually although I have done the googling of numbers of spook myself a book Wow there's that many people in my community right now I've stopped doing that now it's gotten out of hand but a little buffer virtually so I think as I put myself more in front of the people and as I start to kind of conquer ties little girl wants to run for the hills and she's still there when she considers it yeah I mean I'm often joking that I'm getting on the next airplane out of here like holistic but that's that little girl I understand what that is now I don't have to take that to mean anything other than that little girl it's just so unfamiliar being seen so so vulnerably being impacting other people because I'm being seen so long that's that's another reason the impact cuz I'm just being me and putting authentic me out there and I'm being seen and as much as I desperately want that that's scary is uncomfortable so it's not a fear it's more just a discomfort that is is and has always been there when do you feel the most loved when are you considered the way you want to be considered right yeah what makes you feel most considered no feeling uh when someone reflects something that I think I can identify is like uniquely me or me back to me whether or not it's through a gesture whether or not it's because they actually heard what I said I mean this sounds really simplistic but listening in a reflective way where I'm like actually hearing what you're saying as opposed to formulating my response or going down the journey of what Association my mind brought up when you said the thing that's a skill and that's hard and we have to practice doing that so when someone offers me that when I feel like someone is truly present as you even have been this you know interview to me and you're hearing me and you're reflecting back what you heard me say that makes me feel considered huh cuz you heard me something that I said that was uniquely Mayan and you heard it it calls to be a gesture you know where someone like does something that like it's helpful to me makes me feel seen cared for loved for who I am I like that okay so just listening and reflecting back when you feel the most low yeah when you're present and like you just heard me and got me in that moment it could just be a micro moment but I was a human and you were a human and we just had a connection no that's cool and that's what I didn't really feel like I had growing up and that's what makes me feel loved what about when your partner was the thing that she does that makes me feel most loved besides that I think anytime she's present to me fully I think presence is very loving thing that is this presence and it's hard to tell but it's you know so any moment where I feel like she and it could just be a moment but when I feel like she's we both have a lot going on there's a lot of moments where we're not fully present or at me to where she's talking to something I'm like oh this other thing I have to tell you about you know you know just because a business wise or whatever you know there's just so many places our attention can be so sometimes it's micro moments sometimes it's time we you know consciously carve out to be off our phone and just be us but I think presence is incredibly loving and it's not a gift that we give or it's not the way we love a lot of people or a lot of relationships because we're not practicing it ourselves so before I can be present here with you I have learned how to be present in my own body because once I enter a room now your Energy's here I could be responding to what you're saying I could bonding to what you're doing you know so now I have to learn how to maintain my presence with an external factor that is another human so if I didn't back to this conversation if I didn't practice outside of here the second I come into interact with someone else I could go back into that dissociated state yes that lack of presence so it's much harder then it's much easier said than done but if you can practice presence I think you can give a true gift of love to all of your relationships it's not easy but it's a simple concept simple that's it if you guys want to hear more fill this in our last interview we did together you shared your three truths there your definition of greatness as well so when I ask you that again here now maybe next time I'll ask you to see what's change maybe I'll change how can we support you right now you've got your Instagram you've got your membership where can we go to find everything yeah everything is the dot holistic not psychologist that's the mean of all things Instagram speaking of the membership April 1st you'll probably hear me talk about it next week online I'm going to open up a new launch period for the virtual self healer circle so we've already had the founding members they're all nice and settled in so we're gonna open up another another group for enrollment so I'm super excited let me win every month so every month what that looks like is there's a different topic of healing so members who will join in April will have access to all of the topics that the founding member group has already worked through everything is packaged in a month module meaning we're gonna focus on one area healing and that month we're gonna work for that one area so it can be very much a design your own journey a self-directed pace for people but every month as a full group we address one topic of healing you get worksheets you get PDFs you get a virtual training an hour with myself or other experts that have very generously gifted us with their time you get a month or an hour QA live with me on that topic where I come on I answer everyone's questions live about how they're doing the work or what they could tweak I put guided meditations in there I have a playlist in there a book club so it's really a contained healing experience where we can capitalize on connecting with other people so groups of us all around the world at this point so anyone is interested check out my Instagram you'll definitely hear me talking about it on there there is a website up or I have a waitlist so everyone will get blasted out the link on the first so that's exciting because that's right around the corner and that's gonna allow another whole group of people and healers in there to begin to start doing the work I'm super excited you also have a texting platform where you text out update yeah the text that's on your Instagram yeah everything the Instagram is a hub there's a link tree there I have some free goodies that come out if you sign up for my email list future self journaling so it's amazing everything runs you know I'm a journal yet - not yet not yet but that's what I'm actually it's funny to say that was in the process this morning of doing some tweaks on the old journal prompts I think when I release a new edition and maybe the journal boy I like it it's amazing I'm gonna acknowledge you again for for being here for showing up for teaching us so much I think your traumas and learning and going through it allows us to heal through our traumas and you by you sharing what you're learning and the practice is for me this is it's a book this interview is a book in itself that we could print off and give to people so I'm excited they dive into this more and it's going to help heal a lot of people and I'm just really grateful for the work you do and you know as your wisdom your the ability to connect to your inner child and really you know have a deeper conversation and share with us how we can do that I think it's really powerful so I appreciate you I'm grateful for you and you're also speaking at summit of greatness so September 10 through 12 you'll be speaking there come out see my little child shake on stage amazing yeah make sure you guys check it out if Corona hasn't taken over by then hopefully it's all settled in the next two months summit of greatness calm you can check that out yeah thank you so much thank you Louis I mean you you've been an inspiration to me beyond just from your personal journey your professional journey so I'm indebted with gratitude every time you have a conversation course we'll do it again soon Garza's love it I'll be here amazing thank you amazing that's great thank you so much for watching this video and if you're looking for more greediest in your life and check out this next video right here when I have to work until 8 o'clock at night because I have to be the best person at my job I'm really hearing the voice of my mother who said you're never gonna amount to anything you're just dirt you are carrying that around with you ...
