Be Irresistible, Click Here Excerpt from This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #585 | Andrew Huberman Full Episode: ... Here's one th...
Excerpt from This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #585 | Andrew Huberman Full Episode: ...
Here's one thing I noticed for myself, right? So, well, I had like a lot of dis like I had kind of a disorder, I guess, where like I had some intimacy issues where I couldn't um I had like some issues like just like probably with my mom from growing up of not having a connection. And so, if a woman if I got around a woman, I got very nervous, right? It was like very extremely nervous, right? So, I think it made it like once I saw pornography, I was like, "Okay, well, here's a way that I can be near a woman or near as a female where I can uh have some form of intimacy without having to have a real person there." So, that for one for me was um it was okay. It made sense that that that's how I adapted to it as a kid or how I understood it as a kid. It makes sense. Uh but as an adult, it didn't help me at a certain point. Um, and then the secondary part for me was uh, you know, you would just see you would see sex like in images or scenes or a way a camera's set up. And so then that's how you start to think of it of intimacy. It's like, you know, it's like, okay, well, we have to do this scene, you know, it's not like you would stage things around your room or anything. You didn't have any cameras or anything, but you would just like you thought of each thing as like ai scene or a scenario. So, um, yeah, you're not out there shooting baskets. you're trying to like recreate the NBA final, you know, right? And that's a lot that's a lot of pressure, you know? Oh, so it was a ton of pressure. So, it was like and you almost couldn't even Yeah. There was no real connection. And so that for me was a real culde-sac of like trying to figure out how to evolve like um intimately, you know, and and and and it's it's some of that's taken a long time to get through and different like uh class like not classes, but like IA really helped me a lot, different medicines helped a lot with like just unbinding all that anxiety that was just like this young person who just uh didn't know how to relate to females, you know? Yeah, I think it's a really important conversation. If I may, you know, listen, like I said, I'm 49 now, but you know, I am forever grateful to my first girlfriend. I was a virgin when she and I started sleeping together. She had slept with this other guy. All I knew about him was he was like some buff football player. I'm like this skinny skateboard kid. Oh, dude. My first girlfriend slept with a dude before me who wore a cape, dude. A [ __ ] You wore a cape? He like, "Fuck, dude. What the heck?" Yeah. Listen, I mean, I remember going into that, like any young male, thinking like, my goodness, you know, this is like is a lot of pressure. And one of the things I'm so grateful to her for is, you know, we were able to talk a bit at first. No, you know, it was just like you just want it to go perfect, right? You just want it to go perfect. And I will say one of the huge mistakes people make, maybe we can save some some people some men and women, young young men and women some serious stress. One of the huge mistakes people make is to try and take that edge off with alcohol. First of all, it starts to really muddy all the consent stuff. So you're already like you're already playing with fire, right? Because you know when people are inebriated, there's all they're not in their right mind, right? So the other thing is that by chemically removing that stress you many people come to depend on those chemicals to relax and they don't learn the skills right as I always joke you know now not it's not a joke it's serious you know nowadays like every young male who wants to like get a little bit you know jacked is like should I take TRT and I'm like dude you're 25 you're already filled with testosterone they're like yeah but you know and you're like learn how to train learn how to eat and when you're in your late 40s, talk to a doctor, freeze some sperm because it's going to shut down your sperm production. Maybe then, but like just chill. And in the same way, it's like I think there's immense pressure. There's also something that's happening now that I hear about a lot, which is from the beginning of time, women have talked to one another. Okay. I had the Oh, yeah. Chatty Kathy. You heard of that term? No. Is that what it's called? Yeah. It's a famous term. Who brought it up? Let's get to the bottom of that term really quick because people have heard it a lot and you don't know where it really started. Do we know that the phrase chatty Kathy originally came from the name of popular talking doll manufactured by Mattel in the 1960s. The doll's pull string mechanism played pre-recorded phrases when the string was activated like you don't make any money or you get your own dinner. I made those up. But damn Kathy's a vibe. Look at her. She said buck tooth. A little buck tooth there. Yeah. back when you get a good British gal. But go on. Was there anything left on that information? Um, over time the term chatty Kathy became a common idiom to describe someone who is especially talkative. And I'm just joking ladies. But uh, but that's interesting where that came from. I never knew always heard that heard that term. Um, you know, so I had the great benefit and the uh, disadvantage as well of having a sister, right? Okay. Having a sister is great because you don't think women are weird. Like I grew up with a girl living next door to me, my sister. We shared a bathroom, all that. But I also heard the way her and her friends talk about boys. And so from a young age, I was like, man, I can't make a mistake on a first date. I got to do everything perfect because it's going to be the rundown. But back then, there was no social media. Now, young guys tell me they are terrified to go out on dates because let's say they do something wrong. Let's say they're less than perfect. They are very concerned it's going to end up on some site and they're going to be shamed. And I'll tell you, I do think, and of course, I take the male perspective because that's the only body I've ever lived in. But I do think that a lot of the complaints about, you know, young, you know, there are no men today, young young males like in the 20s and 30s, you know, a lot of these guys are are terrified because they feel like everything's potentially going to become public. Yeah. Positive or negative. And I hear a lot from young males about the pornography question, about all this. And I I like there's one kid that I've kind of mentored over time. I've known him since he was a little kid. and now he's in his 20s and he's doing great in life, but he's had his um his challenges. And he I'll tell you, it's really interesting. He said to me, he goes, "Look, you know, it's hard good-looking kid. He's work right now. He's working construction. He's he's doing great." And he said, "Look, it's hard to find someone who just kind of want to keeps your relationship just the two of you." But he did. He he had a girlfriend. She wasn't the one. So, he found one. And they have a closed container they call it. you know, this is like the new new language or something. And he's like, "Man, it's awesome." And he's like, "You know, if I'm nervous about something related to intimacy, we talk about it." Turns out she's nervous, too. And he feels super safe. And but he had to literally anti that up because where he went to school, I won't say where he went to school cuz he'll murder he'll murder me, but you know, it's it's like the opposite Arizona State, right? There there's all this stuff about people talking behind the scen. And so that drives guys more into the the loneliness and isolation of porn and substance abuse. And so I'm not blaming women here. I'm not blaming men here. I'm just saying that we when it comes to intimacy, everybody's nervous about that, right? When I was a kid, there was like Dr. Ruth and there were those books. And then you had this thing called experience and you'd have to well, that went less well, that went really well. And then over time, you learn how to have the communication and enjoy yourself in it. But it's hard. It's difficult. Now you can have a thing where it's like say you go out on a date with a girl and then they they could make a video like oh this guy tried to kiss me what a lose just like but I guess guys could do that too but just just the risk of that on either side it's like then that wins you know it's like how many times are we going to let technology defeat what just means being human right and like and at what point do we start to choose like hey I'm gonna make a moral like a choice for myself and whoever I'm on to date with, maybe have a talk with them first or something like, you know, but it's like every time it's like technology is the one that seems to like take away like things that used to be so real to us. Yeah. Because then you're both in a cave. You're both just masturbating or whatever and you're both like brokenhearted in a in some semblance it seems like. Is that crazy to say that? No, I I I don't think so at all. I mean, listen, text messages I I hate telling people this, but like everything you text is potentially public. I don't care if you're a public-f facing aka famous person or not. And that terrifies people. At the same time, you know, there can be great intimacy through writing. You know, my first girlfriend and I wrote each other letters for years. For years. I still have letters from girlfriends. No, you know, I cherish those. I don't break them out too often. If you have a new girlfriend, you basically you got to hide those away pretty carefully. But I assume anyone I date's got those, you know, from their former relationship. And I'm not bothered by that. I mean, that's part of get them out. But I agree, man. I get nervous because sometimes like for a date or something I would like to do well let's um do a Zoom call or something first because it's like you know especially if we live a little bit away from each other let's see if we even talk well or something but then you're worried like well is somebody recording this or what's going on they're recording it I'm just kidding I mean listen well the old stereotype was girls feared getting [ __ ] shamed right guys feared getting dorkshamed like loser shamed yeah Right? Big, you know, they it's been said by the evolutionary biologist a loser, dude. Well, and they speculate a lot, but the evolutionary biologists will say, you know, uh, woman's greatest fear is, uh, violence from a man. Man's greatest fear is being laughed at by a woman. Oh, God. Right. And, and Right. Exactly. And so, there's this battle nowadays. I'm glad we're talking about this because there's this kind of unspoken battle between the masculine and feminine forces. Well, it's just funny you say that because it I just realized that the majority of my childhood was some woman, I don't even know who it was, laughing in the distance in my head. Oh man. Well, and like especially when I got into purity and that kind of kind of time. But well, and there's nothing that feels better than, you know, feeling like you can deeply satisfy your partner and they're devoted to you and you're devoted to them. It's a wonderful I mean, that's the stuff that, you know, love and marriages and families and to be direct, great sex are made of, right? But this is one of the most important conversations to our audience because I think this is the thing that's it's kill you know relationships are falling up. It's like if we don't if this doesn't get fixed now it's going to be I think it's you know societies can change and end really fast especially with like um technology now. Um to me it's it's just like we're at a crucial moment for relationships. I totally agree. I mean, you know, young guys approach me a lot about the porn thing about concern about like are they going to be shamed on one of these sites if they, you know, do something wrong or or and I'm not talking about like wrong like they were forceful. I'm talking about wrong like they they made a mistake or they said something dumb or, you know, I think a lot one Nick, didn't you have a site you're pulling up? This is one right here. Are we dating the same guy? Women turn to Facebook to uncover cheating and violence. Experts say use of groups to warn others about dangerous men is indictment on government's failure to keep women safe. This is from the Guardian, so it's obviously very pro the groups, but there's negative consequences like people being reported just for dating multiple women that they're not exclusive with and stuff like that. But it's also it's very pro who you said. The Guardian is very pro the app as like an empowerment for women, the way they can stay safe. Yeah. Well, I think apps that protect people against violence are great. I think that um you know if you look at the data on infidelity in and out of marriage it's equally distributed between men and women. Mhm. Okay. It's equally distributed. So so there's no there's no men cheat more than women. It's it's it's clearly equally distributed. So um the data play that over and over again. You look at divorce data but you just look at self-report data. All different forms of data collection that really orient towards honesty because people lie all the time in studies and statistics. But um point to that. I think that, you know, the the most important thing really if we're talking about forming intimacy, whether or not sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy or both, is that people feel that their communications are vaulted between them, right? That mean vaulted means it's just between them. What happen what what's exchanged between them stays stays. That's intimacy in its own right. Is it that it's something here? It's it's between us, right? That's right. I mean, I you know, I have a uh half joking uh solution to this, but I'm only half joking. Oh, yeah. For sure. And and I should say I've had some great relationships and I've had some not great relationships, right? Um, I'm on great terms with most all of my ex-girlfriends, you know, and I'm so grateful to especially one from about it was a long relationship about seven years where she really taught me how to like have the uncomfortable conversation. Wow. And and I'm still learning, right? Um, and we're still good friends. But I I'll tell you one of the the solutions to this. Men, find a good lesbian friend. M you want to really understand where you're strong, where you're weak, and you want to learn to just kind of relax around women. Mhm. Be around a woman that you have no chance of sleeping with that buddy oyster, bro. You know, I have a couple of lesbian friends, and I'll tell you, I've always had a couple of lesbian friends. I'm I'm convinced lesbians are going to save us all. God, I got to get one. You know, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. And and you got to get it out of your head that you're going to sleep with them. Yes. Cuz these are what we call platinum star lesbians. They are interested in women and women only. Oh, yeah. I'm talking chicking a Westbrook jersey. So, and they it's interesting because they have an amazing perspective on men that's from a women's perspective and they also have an amazing perspective on women. Yeah. They can say things like, "She's crazy, Andrew. You date her, you're going to be in pain." And they can also say things like, "She seems pretty cool. I would date her except she's not into women." And you That's good. Women can see things in women that men can't see. Men can see things in men that obviously women can't see. I mean, I grew up in a big pack of guys. Like, I only hit bull's eyes when it comes to assessment of friends and business partners, men and women. But, you know, with men, I can just tell he's a sociopath. He's cool, he's not cool. I can just tell it's like a six sense. The other thing, you know, across the the sexes, you know, a macac monkey blindfolded on LSD, God, has better optics. And I don't think I'm alone in that, right? Because we get stirred. It's not all about the anticipation of sex. is that the the styles of communication are different. The way that stories and information is turned into things by one sex and it's like a whole different world. Lesbians normalize all of this and they're extremely direct and some of my best friends are lesbians. I I love them to death. I I would We got to get some damn lesbians over here. Lesbians are going to save us all, man. Yeah, I love that. That would be a great musical. Lesbians are going to save us all. And I believe that I would love to see that. And I think that yeah, I think there is this, you know, for a while there people were like gays and gays and you know, don't be gay and that kind of stuff. Probably like 50 years ago that was like a thing, you know, and then but now I think one of the one of the neat things about gay folks is there are that they have like a you special recipe, you know, worked out. Like I have a good friend I've known since childhood. It was it was wild because he basically slept with like more women than any of us in high school. He ended up being gay. Went off to college. He's he's as he's as gay as could be. Yeah. And um you know and the communication he's explained like the communication in the gay community, gay male community. I don't So well it's just very direct. People ask for sex if they want, they say no if they don't want to. Want to come? Yeah. I mean that's it. It's a it straight up. I mean the stereotype is it matches. There are some married gay couples obviously monogous etc. But it it aligns with all the the male stereotypes of promiscuous multiple partners. That's that's the kind of stereotype, right? Um you know, the grill and [ __ ] that'd be that'd be my team, dude. If you had a gay flag football team in college, dude, man, uh for the uh at the um rec center, grill and [ __ ] Yeah. Some of that enemy that intimacy disorder stuff was a nightmare for me because when I was in my 20s I was so nervous around women that all like a lot of times I had erectile dysfunction, you know. Could you talk to your partner about it? Uh probably back then it was probably taboo, right? Oh yeah. No, I think I just felt defeated, you know. It felt very much like damn, something's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong with me, you know. And it was like um I remember I had uh it's funny because kind of with like my first girlfriend I didn't really have it and then it started to happen and then the same thing happened with my second girlfriend and then after that once I kind of got into like age 23 it was or like 24 it was like a problem for a long time. So I was it was like a bug in your brain. Oh yes. So once it was like I knew it was there then it was like always this thing. So, oh [ __ ] I can't even I I I forgot about all these nightmare times where you'd be on a date and you'd be like, "How's this date going?" And then like, "Are we going to get like inimate and what's going to happen?" And I would like, you know, I remember like um I would eat like, you know, those gas station wiener pills like uh you know, like Black Attack 40 or whatever. I've seen them on the work, dude. They're all just caffeine and stimulants. Oh, bro. Can't be good. Can't be good. One of them I took. Yeah, just zoom in on some of those. No, that's Dayquil. I mean, that's not going to help anybody. Uh, yeah, Triple Green, Rhino 87, Macho Man, um, White Black Guy, that's a crazy name for one. Wait, what? Yeah, I made that up. Okay, I didn't see that there. I thought I have a visual defect or something. Oh, yeah. Uh, Body Beast or whatever. King Kong. But nowadays a lot of this has worked out because you know the the drug teddall um also known as seialis was developed as a way to increase blood flow to the prostate. By the way every male 35 or older this was suggested by the director of male sexual health at Stanford School of Medicine Mike Eisenberg. So I'm not just pulling this out of you know nowhere. Every male 35 or older should probably be on a low dose 2.5 to 5 milligrams of tadalapil per in the evening. It's very inexpensive. It does require a prescription. Why? Because the prostate needs blood flow and it also serves you know it has this pro erectile function right and and of course one has to do all the other things correctly. You got to be sleeping exercising etc. Also a lot of guys think they should be doing keigull you know that thing where you're like you know contact that actually will tighten your pelvic floor and block blood flow to the penis and make erection more difficult you know. Yeah. So they did you know a lot of this stuff wasn't taught. Yeah. I remember I would take some of them so much sometime. I remember one time I was trying to like perform like have sex with this gal or something and my I'd taken so many of those wiener pills my nose just started bleeding all over this woman and I was like she freak out. Huh? I don't know. It was in Miami. everybody. We had like a belly full of crab or whatever been like this nice crab place, but it was like and my nose just it was just like that was crazy. But the it it just became this crazy dance in my head where it was like wiener pills trying to be normal like trying to calm down like putting ice in my shirt. Just all these things to like chill like just be able to be normal for a sex. That [ __ ] was a nightmare. Yeah. I mean um it was a nightmare. And then you're stuck in this universe where that is becomes like your whole battle and then you get afraid to even talk to girls sometimes relate to them cuz you're like well what you know if I take a girl down this road and it's not able to work out then who am I then where am I at you know? Yeah. And and then the imagine that but layered on top of that is the fear of being shamed by Listen I I don't know that I you know I'm just going to bring it up. I don't know the specifics, but I remember hearing a few years ago there was a comedian who was like shamed for being bad in bed or something. Was this like uh and that was one of the first kind of it was got he was kind of canceled for being bad in bed, wasn't that? I don't know. All right. Well, and listen, if there was like coercive stuff or whatever, I don't know. But I wasn't there obviously. Obviously didn't read the article either. But I think you know, you layer on top the fear of being ashamed, right? And all of a sudden, you know, like you're talking about like collapsing a a young male's existence. I mean, you know, I think, yeah, I like I said, for the fourth time, I'm forgive me for repeating myself. 49. So, I You look young, man. Thanks, man. I feel good. Well, listen, I quit drinking. I never drank that much, but also I've been doing things that I love. I was going to say that one of the things that'll keep you young is dopamine. Not from pharmarmacology, but being in pursuit of things that you love. Let's positive anticipation. But I think that let's go into that in just a second. But let's finish out this what you were saying. Yeah. I think that, you know, I benefited tremendously from being open with that first girlfriend. Yes. That that first girlfriend just saying, "Hey, like you know, like she had this like buff boyfriend in another school." But actually it was wild because he ended up killing himself. Mhm. And that was years later. And I remember thinking this guy was like the football hero, right? He ended up becoming. And I remember thinking, "Wow, I thought in my mind he was like couldn't be outdone, right?" And so talking to her, I remember her just saying like first she said something like uh we were kids, right? We were like 16, you know? She said, you know, you're you're wonderful. And I remember thinking like, I don't want to be called wonderful. Like I'm trying to get good at this thing, right? And I think if I've learned anything, like if I could send like a like all points bulletin out, it's like everything we know about the erectile response is that it's what we call parasympathetic. It comes from the relaxation response. Orgasm is related to it's almost like a stress of sorts. It's pleasureful but high arousal. Yeah. The key to all of it is a lot of exhales, a lot of nasal breathing, and just slow the whole thing down. Yeah. Slow the whole thing down. that you you you know later once you're comfortable with somebody if you got like five minutes and you're gonna like go for the the quickie thing in the kitchen before you leave to work. Okay, that's a that's a whole program, right? Okay, that's like that uh that guy lethal shooter on Instagram, the guy can make a basket from anywhere. Like he worked up to that the uh what you're trying to do is slow down the whole thing like and get into sensation. You got to get out of your head. Now it's one thing to say get out of your head. It's another to do it. So the whole process there starts with just only going so far as then you communicate with person slow down. These things have a real beauty to them because when people start entering that dance and communicating well with one another all of a sudden like the magic of biology takes over and then someone thinks oh well now it's going to go back. Then you just kind of restart and do the whole thing. And nowadays I think young males go quickly. They're like, "I'm going to take 20 milligrams of Tadalo fill this that." Listen, that probably would help. But learning how to do this this thing that we call intimacy, right? I mean, intimacy is a lot of things, but knowing that what's happening there is between the two of you, and that also means you guys, cuz you know, there's also been a long history of men talking about all the women they slept with and then that doesn't feel good necessarily to the other women, you know. So, the real that the art of intimacy is something that we've lost. And listen, I'm not saying that all sex is has this element. You know, sometimes people just want to get together and get raw. Like, but that's that's a, you know, that's an advanced skill that you may or may not want to engage in. And I think that slowing the whole thing down. Like, hey, we're going to be together in bed four times before we ever actually have intercourse. Like, that's it's weird to look at you while I say that, but you know what I'm talking about. Hell no. You know this is the kind of thing that can transform not only avoids problems but can transform your notion of like what's possible in relationship slow slow slow and then once that intimacy is set then there can be some you know more adventurous exploration at speed but you know it's all about it's all about slowing that thing down slowing the whole process down. Yeah, dude. I remember Oh, dude. I remember this freaking my girlfriend at the time. I was like I thought I couldn't get an erection, right? So, I had her call me a different name. Like, we were making out. That was your That was your solution? Well, this dude Robert in our in our grade was getting mad erections, everybody was saying. And I'll be like, "Call" and I This is so embarrassing. But I like, "Call me Robert. Call me Robert." And it didn't [ __ ] help. And she's like, "It was just the most embarrassing, dude. Cuz even if I was Robert, I couldn't even get an erection at the time. So that was horrible. Trying to think of what else happened. Dude, I've gone I mean, you know, over the years, I've gone, you know, down the gamut of all of it. Like hiring escorts or um you know, thinking like, oh, we need more than one partner. Like all that, like just thinking like all these things would change it, you know, drugs, alcohol, like all these different things to like trying to fine-tune how I would feel. Okay. I think even just to be in like a convers like just to be like in an intimate conversation like oh I wished I would have from the beginning been like just with a girl I've been hey like this is what's going on and this is how I'm feeling and this is what's popping you know and like and even made it cool or whatever and it would have brought us closer together but instead I took this huge bypass of like things that I thought would like I thought that intimacy was just a um one man show well Yeah, it's so important what you're saying that it was all your responsibility. Does that make any sense or not? Yeah. Listen, news flash, men and women, there are women who are great in bed and there are women who are not great in bed. You know, there are great lovers who are women there are not great lovers. I'll tell you what makes a great female lover. Somebody who can relax and enjoy herself and part of that is the communication and also somebody who's tuned in to what works for you. You know, it took me a long time cuz I listen, I think all young men deal with this, right? You want to perform well. And it's interesting you mentioned Robert and I mentioned this other guy that sadly eventually killed himself. But every young male knows the experience of there's like this satellite male. You're holding yourself up against this image and an idea, right? This image and idea. That's very dangerous thinking. You know what I think? I think that every male should understand that at some point you're the satellite male. Oh, you're the satellite male. So, you got to get out of that kind of thinking and understand that like like dancing, like athletics, like it takes time to get good at. You need reps. Yeah. And you need reps under conditions where you can learn, you know? I think, you know, you sounds like you put the pressure on yourself to be like a sexual athlete from go and like you got to learn the lay layups, no pun intended. You got to learn the your free throws. You got to learn lay downs. But I look at all that pornography. That's what it was. I've been looking at all that porno, you know, and it got me all bent out. So, I think there has to be a private world, an intimate world where people can explore in a healthy way, communicate in a healthy way, and know it's between them. And then you get to this beautiful vista with intimacy where you're like, I love this or I love that. And you know, I mean, uh, and it brings people together. Oh, I mean, listen, I mean, I I want to be respectful to, you know, my former partners, but you know, it's one of these things where you go like, "Wow, like I really I really learned something from that person." Now, of course, as a man, you also have to have an ego intact enough to know she learned a few things from somebody else, too, right? Unless you unless it's a first relationship, right? This notion that you're the only person that's ever been there is quite rare. And part of being a grown male is accepting that. And frankly, you know, different different strokes for different folks, you know, but I think you got to understand like we're all we're all here because either in a dish or in a human sperm met egg, okay? This drive that's dopamine driven to reproduce and sex. The reason those things are so closely woven is and that drives so much of culture and behavior and shame and addiction and pleasure and all this stuff is because it's why we're here. Like, right, this I mean, this is this is this is everything. And you know now Elon and other people are talking about how the you know the the replacement rate for humans is way way down because we have birth control and people aren't having sex as much. I mean it is possible that humans fail to replace themselves as a species, you know, and then you got guys like him who are trying to make up for that deficit. Oh yeah, he's popping off, dude. He's got like what, like 14 kids or something? He'll knock up a [ __ ] parking meter. That dude, you don't give a damn, boy. He's the only dude who put Yeah, he put Definitely. He He'll get it. ...
