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hello everyone welcome back to the channel I am Matthew hussy a coach specializing in confidence and relational intelligence and I am widely known for helping people find love last week I answered a whole bunch of questions that you had sent in and left in the comments and we thought we'd do a part two of that video by having me do the same thing this week before we get into the video I would really appreciate if you would like this video subscribe to the channel and hit the notification Bell so so that you do not miss the next video when it comes out also I made a commitment a long time ago to deliver free content for everybody on an ongoing basis and one of the places I do that in addition to this YouTube channel is my ongoing newsletter where I am sending out a free newsletter full of advice practical wisdom and ideas that can help you find love or heal from Lost love every Friday and many of you have already signed up it's completely free so if you haven't already I'll leave a link on the screen and in the description and you can come join us in that too Kelly mares says what are your top tips to starting a longdistance relationship firstly be very careful about when you start calling it a relationship there's nothing wrong with meeting someone online through the apps someone long distance and having this kind of fun flirtacious connection that starts to build but in that time period it probably is isn't the right thing to call it a relationship unless you've explicitly had that conversation but it would be strange if you had it too soon could even be a red flag if someone is saying that to you too soon but after a certain period when you have that desire to start calling it a relationship don't let the desire turn into a reality in your mind that you're now in a relationship when the two of you have never actually had that conversation because I've over the years watched many many hundreds of people give to this situation like it's a relationship be exclusive give time give energy give effort make trips when the other person is not behaving like they're in a relationship at all and they never really had that conversation it just became this assumption I would start if you feel you're in a relationship I would start by having the conversation so that you're both on the same terms hey do we both feel the same way for me to continue giving to this it would have to be on the basis that we're really giving this a try as a relationship and that it's an exclusive one and once you set the ground rules for that okay both of you have said yes to that now you're in a longdistance relationship and at that point it becomes a kind of how do we navigate the difficulty of something that feels wholly unnatural which is we're trying to have an intimate relationship at a geographical distance well firstly there has to be a time on the horizon where you know you're going to see each other you've got to have something to look forward to and as the relationship progress is I would argue that there needs to be some kind of a vision for how you're going to solve that issue in a sustainable way you know what does this look like in a year in two years are we actually going to be in the same place that doesn't have to happen on day one but there does gradually start to have to be a vision for you know how does this problem get solved otherwise we're in a relationship where neither of us are actually taking on the reality that we haven't solved it and maybe we haven't solved it because neither one of us is actually willing to do what it takes to permanently solve this situation in the meantime when you're trying to navigate it I would say mixing up the energy that we bring to the table is very easy for us to say I am long distance so the kind of energy I give when I'm in the same room as someone especially romantically is off the table instead I'm just going to do what I can do which is have very long in-depth conversations but if you think of any relationship where all it is is one note of very long in-depth conversations eventually it's going to get boring it's going to get stale it's going to feel stayed so we have to mix up our energy are you being flirtatious are you still bringing your sexuality to the table obviously in ways that feel safe to you you know sending nudes and things like that represents real challenges and risks when it comes to potentially breaking up with someone or someone you can't trust so that's a whole different subject but still bringing your Sexual Energy to the table still bringing your playful energy to the table can you have a 60-second funny voice note or call and a 3H hour spending the evening together talking for that long can you be both and the last thing I'll say about this is being together in conversation and there's being together in company and when you think about a relationship sometimes you're having conversation and that's quality time other times you're just in company with someone you're sitting next to each other on a sofa reading or watching a movie and it would be hard work if quality time always meant being in conversation if someone learns to associate that the only way to connect with you is to have conversations with you they're going to start to feel the stakes are really high anytime they want to be with you or around you because it's going to involve trying to have a conversation and you know at a certain point you will run out of things to talk about that's just natural so it might be time to be in company with them that might mean hitting play on a movie at the same time from a long distance and watching a movie together and then talking about the movie afterwards don't just be conversation pick times to be in company and that will lower the stakes for the time that you spend together it also means that time spent together doesn't always have to mean time away from other obligations and responsibilities that both of you have Glory Be Free says do you see a connection between the physical pain you endured and the new found level of love and vulnerability you Orient from well firstly that's a lovely compliment thank you for those of you that don't know I write in my new book love life about my own Journey with physical chronic pain and how it lasted for many years part of that I still have so it's not completely gone away it certainly did kind of crack me open I think every challenge we have every challenge I've ever had in life has been an invitation to a greater degree of compassion not just for myself but for other people because I think every time we go through a challenge we get more connected to what other people go through in life if we can kind of widen our lens and not just see it as our pain CU of course none of our pain is original other people have experienced it are experiencing it I always find any challenge gives me a window into the challenges that other people have faced or are facing and that's made me a more compassionate loving humble person every single time time and my chronic pain was I suppose in some ways my first encounter with something that truly made me miserable that I didn't know how to change I didn't know how to make it go away and I had to change my relationship with it and that was one of the most humbling experiences of my entire life and was also in many ways and I'm not someone who throws this word around lightly it was a spiritual experience to come to a place of acceptance with that so yes I think that probably I don't think it's the only thing that's made me loving and vulnerable but I do think it gave me access to a depth I hadn't had access to before when I felt like I could always fix my problems and in this case I couldn't fix it I had to change the impact it was having On Me by changing my relationship with the challenge itself Marie Cooper 35 says why am I so obsessed with looking for things wrong in my relationships things that will hurt my heart like looking at their exes on social media and then over analyzing everything so on one hand it might be that there's a familiarity for you in looking for those kinds of things that simply sitting back and enjoying the peace that you might feel right now is deeply uncomfortable and it's unfamiliar which is why it's uncomfortable and instead going and looking for something that creates drama gives you something to feel jealous about gives you something to feel insecure about is much more familiar and we're drawn to what's familiar not necessarily to what makes us happy I want you to imagine that so far in life your behavior in dating is like a vinyl you know like an old record and that the groove in that vinyl that plays the song a certain way has been established long since established so when you go on another date or where you start seeing someone you like what happens is you put the needle on that record and that record starts to play because it's the groove that you established a long time ago you don't necessarily have access to a different record right now to play because you haven't established those grooves but you can it requires conscious practice it requires awareness of oh I'm going to look at this person's profile right now and dig deep into who they've been with before or what their exes are like or they have that I don't as a kind of compulsion because that's the record that I've been used to playing I'm used to feeling these feelings of jealousy of anxiety of tension I'm not used to not doing that and feeling a sense of Peace if I become aware as I'm about to do that that that is a behavior that I feel drawn to not because they're doing anything underhanded not because they're Behaving Badly or they're giving me reason to be suspicious but because that's the way the record plays for me that's the groove I've worn in over time when we get conscious of that we become able to take a different path and it may be that that path in the past has served a need maybe the need to feel safe and that that hypervigilance that has you looking for problems so that you can go and meet them instead of them surprising you it's something that's made you feel safe it's felt like a form of control but maybe these days you're ready to accomplish a feeling of safety in a new and more productive way for example in just having trust in yourself that if anything were to come to light that would reveal this person wasn't a good partner you would be able to walk away that you don't need to anticipate every problem you just need to show up as the best version of you and pay attention to the present and to what you're actually seeing from this person not trying to anticipate everything they could be or do in the future Grizzle 101 says would love to hear more tips and advice for dating in our 40s and 50s everything seems to be targeted towards the younger generation why is it so hard to find love again and what can we do to become our best self to attract a partner like I have always maintained that the things that I say are applicable at every age I don't think that even when I'm talking about things you know like flirting often people think oh that's a you're talking to younger people there but of course what makes us attractive at any age is the ability to both be sincere but also be playful the ability to be flirtatious to not lose that energy so I would challenge you to ask yourself what is the part of what maybe I'm saying that you don't think applies Beyond a certain age because I think the fundamentals apply at any age if you're in your 50s and you have come out of a long-term relationship or a divorce or perhaps you've just struggled to meet someone in your life the fundamentals are the same how active is our life is it the kind of life that brings us into contact with other people a lot of the time the older we get the more our life contracts we get into these routines and rhythms that can become quite stayed they're very comfortable to us but they may not be the kinds of routines that actually engage us socially with people that we don't already know so do our lives include communities environments events that bring us into contact with new people are we being brave in those areas because it does require some Brave is hard the last thing I would ever tell you is that it's easy because the reality is many people do experience feeling more invisible feeling like they don't have nearly the same amount of attention that they had at a different stage of their life I think for that reason we have to find ways of enjoying the process because otherwise we'll never do the things that bring us into contact with opportunity what are the activities that I might like to do regardless of whether I meet someone but by doing those activities I might actually meet someone what other the ways I could engineer my life to build myself into more and new communities that I could meet new single friends I could meet different types of people than maybe I've encountered in the past not over relying on only one thing like a dating app you know it's very tempting to get into the comfort of a dating app but then it can be very demoralizing when we find we're not getting matches or the kinds of people that are matching with us are people that are leazy or they're not our type of person or scamming us which is very common these days it could be extremely demoralizing which is why I say you can do those things but don't make it your only source of new people in your life that's what we do again from a place of comfort and not actually putting ourselves out there in the real world I do empathize with what you're feeling and what you're going through is hard when we're not where we want to be at a certain stage in our life and we feel like it's gotten harder in the process but I also want you to entertain the idea that at least a part of that is not all of it because some of that difficulty is real but at least a part of it may be a story that we're telling ourself about how it's impossible it's never going to happen or no one is ever going to want us and instead consider the idea that if you just woke up into your body right now at the age you are and you felt the desire to meet someone without any of the baggage of the past you might take a different approach and have a different energy towards going out there and meeting someone and that energy might be the reason that you do meet someone Min Yuni 7 says how to move on from someone you have never dated feelings for him are so strong that it feels something is dying inside I've spoken about this at length in my book love life for anyone who hasn't got a copy I strongly advise you read chapter two how to tell love stories because in it I talk about the value that we're placing often on the wrong things that a real relationship is so much more than the story that we invent about how important a person is I have a much more backwards looking approach for relationships than forwards looking in other words a forward-looking approach is look at all the potential for this person look at all the potential for how happy they would make me look at what we could could be together and that is by definition a projection of a future that does not exist so we could be right I guess but we're only right if that future that we have anticipated actually happens if it doesn't happen then we were wrong about how important this person was whereas a backwards looking approach is saying look at how extraordinary this person is who is in my life all the ways they have shown up for me look at what we've built together wow this is an important relationship wow this is an important person in my life and you don't need your imagination for that exercise you are saying it because it's true because those are the facts and I would argue that in order for you to feel like something is dying inside right now you need a lot of imagination because there's an imagined idea of how important this person is in your life when they're not living up to that idea at all or the two of you would actually be in a thoroughly fulfilling relationship with each other once you realize that your pain is not actually coming from the importance of this person but from the importance of the story in your mind you can start to see that story for what it is a story and separate from it and observe it kind of in the same way that we do with our thoughts in mindfulness practices and start to realize that the story is making it painful not the reality Anna says why a guy was telling me from the beginning he wants something serious with me and after 2 and 1 half months all of a sudden he said he is not ready for a relationship well there could be many reasons for that maybe he got over excited in the beginning and couldn't back it up it might be that he himself got excited about the possibility of a relationship but the reality of a relationship was something that wasn't really ready for in which case after 2 and 1/2 months he did you a giant favor cuz it's better that you learn that 2 and 1 half months in than a year in that's the case for a lot of people is that they get excited in the beginning especially it's a sign of real immaturity it can also be a sign of manipulation of course that's you know telling someone I want something serious even when I don't because I just want to get something from you but it can also be a sign of immaturity oh my God I feel so strongly I've never felt like this I haven't felt like like this in such a long time you make me feel amazing I want something serious with you especially if he felt like you were kind of you would only be into him if he wanted something serious and maybe felt you pull away a little bit and he was like no no no I want something serious with you I can't lose you there's an immaturity to that if the reality is he's not available for a real relationship when it comes down to it he starts noticing that a real relationship means that he actually has to get to know you not just your projection he has to be known he has to actually share more about himself instead of just being the heroic version of himself when someone who is immature about love and isn't ready for an actual relationship just the feeling of a relationship they may initially get excited and then when those things start presenting themselves when having a relationship actually requires a few calories all of a sudden they get completely overwhelmed by the reality of a relationship and it sounds like 2 and 1/2 months in I either he had been in manipulation mode or he had been very immature about his version of Love or his idea of love and he couldn't then back that up when a reality of a relationship presented itself the other alternative is that during those two and a half months he discovered that it wasn't right for him for whatever reason that doesn't mean it's anything to do with you can be many many reasons something isn't right for someone that aren't to do with you and that it was easier to tell you that it turns out he wasn't ready for a relationship than to tell you that that he didn't want a relationship with you the important thing for you to realize is that someone has made clear their intentions all you need to do is look at the situation and go is there anything I would like to do differently next time did I bring my best self to the table and if the answer is no I didn't I'd like to do some things differently next time then this was a gift in giving you that insight and if the answer is no I brought my best to the table this person just misled me about their intentions for a relationship or decided I wasn't right for that relationship then I need to grieve the disappointment and keep moving forward because the right person for me will last longer than 2 and 1/2 months and Anna if you haven't already I would suggest that you go and check out dating with results it's a free training that I put together to help you seek out healthy mature people who are ready for a real relationship avoid the people who are not and certainly see the early warning signs that someone is not and have the convers ations along the way that actually lead to something real for anyone out there dating right now if you want to date productively if you don't want to waste your time if you want to find the kind of love that you've always been looking for instead of just more casual dating or something that presents as very exciting but then disappears as quickly as it came this will be one of the most valuable hours you could spend for your love life and it's free that's at dating with results I'll leave a link here and in the description for anyone who wants wants to check that out all right there seems to be one more question this one is from the Audrey hussy who is more tidy you or me it's definitely me I don't she thinks that she's more she has this strange perception of herself as a more tidy person what makes you think you're more tidy I tidy up more than you do no you don't I do I'm way more like I way I do way more to do I I don't want to say anything that isn't true I'm always tidying up after you in in our bathroom your makeup is always like everywhere and I always put it back in the bag and put it there because every time we have a nice clean bathroom and your makeup's just you just leave it out do you think it just magically goes back in the bag yeah do you think you have a magic makeup bag yes or no you my magic right I'm your magic makeup bag there you have it folks it's not that she's not untidy but I do more to tidy up after you than you do to tidy up after me and that is a fact and you can ask anyone literally anyone yeah but there's a difference between who ties is the Go versus like you let it all pile up and then you're good about tidy like that's different you may do the makeup I do everything else whose side are you on Jeremy why are you why are you defending this well join us sometime in the future when we do this again and Audrey uses this very public forum to air out her own personal griev es with me leave us a comment so that I can read them cuz I like reading your comments on our videos and I will see you soon oh and by the way there is a video I think you will like that I'm just going to point to here and just do a little hand motion cuz it's more visually interesting cuz it's not like I've got anywhere else to be actually I have because there's makeup everywhere in our bathroom and someone needs to tidy It Anyway click the video now now ...
