Be Irresistible, Click Here Subscribe for more great content: ▶️ Recommended for you: ... now when you're going wounded and...
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now when you're going wounded and expect the person to provide you medication but you don't even tell them what disease you have we are then going to punish them for everything they do oh my gosh that's the worst feeling unfortunately you go in expecting them to be the healer or the doctor to a wound that you didn't create but you don't even tell them when your diagnosis and as a result it's destined for failure I think you've got to have a dream the school of greatness welcome back everyone at the school of green is very excited about our guests we have the inspiring Saudia Khan in the house who is an incredible online coach therapist psychologist and someone that's really been taking off lately online with your relationship expert expertise with your content and I'm so excited that you're here so thank you for being here all the way from Dubai yes so specifically for this so thank you so much for having me I really appreciate it we're excited I I saw a stat online recently that said 75 of relationships fail within the first right after the first year right I don't know if that's an accurate stat but it just seems like people are struggling in relationships in in a new relationship they're struggling finding a great partner when they start dating yeah they're struggling trying to figure out is this the right partner for me they're struggling to figure out their own wounds and how their uh you know their traumas interact with someone else's traumas and is there a good match all these different things cause people to struggle in relationships and break up within their first year and it seems like why do you think people are struggling more than ever today to have a healthy happy relationship I would say it's the illusion of options that we've got today that we've never had before in the form of online dating social media and pornography what that means is when we enter relationships we're almost assessing if that partner is worthy of us and there's almost an element of narcissism when we walk in we're like can I get better can I get the most I can get is this the most satisfying sexual relationship I've ever had and if that person doesn't take every single box up instead of reflecting on what you need to heal and what you need to bring to the table and how you can help this ratio survive we simply replace them with the illusion of options even if we don't have Alternatives that we think we do so we let go of our quicker than we previously would have really mm-hmm what do you think we should be asking ourselves about the person we want to date you know because it sounds like we want to have every box ticked online they have to be perfect and they have to be funny you have to be rich you have to be good looking and they need a good education yeah but what should we really be asking ourselves before we start dating someone how are my personal insecurities going to ruin this relationship yeah I think that's the first and foremost conversation to have with yourself how are my insecurities going to ruin this relationship how my personal insecurity is going to ruin this relationship why is that the question we should ask ourselves because we go into relationship almost blind to our own wounds and they resurface in the relationship and we blame them for not providing the medication of a wound that existed before we met them wow yeah so what I mean by that is say for example you grew up financially insecure and you meet a partner it's actually really nice to you but you might not be able to soothe all your financial insecurities you immediately think he's not good enough or you go into a relationship being addicted to pornography and then you meet a woman who's actually just at your right level but you're so used to a hypersexualized promiscuous woman that you find her boring or you go into a relationship not being able to communicate and then you meet somebody who else who's not also communicating and you don't voice your concerns so I would say ask yourself how are your insecurities going to ruin this relationship and how do I create a buffer so that doesn't occur so when we're aware because a lot of us we go into a relationship we're not thinking where we have insecurities or that we're broken careers are like well the previous relationship didn't work because of them yeah it was their fault they did this but really it always comes back to us we chose something we we didn't see something early on we let something slide we didn't create a boundary we we abandon ourselves we didn't communicate consciously whatever it is yeah um we let things slide too often but we don't take a look unless for me there's enough pain to say okay here's all the stuff I don't like about me yeah because all my insecurities all my baggage all my trauma all my challenges the reason why I keep causing pain in relationship white doesn't keep working is because of me yeah whoever the person is right you're the common denominator the common denominator yeah so once we take inventory of our personal insecurities how can we then create a buffer going into a relationship so we don't self-sabotage uh we make sure that we are trying to heal those awareness without expecting that person to break their back to help us heal you know what I mean by that is if I know I have an issue with jealousy I'm trying to work on it but at the same time the person doesn't have to break their back to make sure I feel soothed okay I pick consciously I pick really well because I know that's a wounded line but I also learn to embrace and Trust the process now when you go in wounded and expect the person to provide you medication but you don't even tell them what disease you have we are then going to punish them for everything they do oh my gosh that's the worst feeling I understand I've done it many times yeah you've done it in relationships of course myself unfortunately you go in expecting them to be the healer or the doctor to a wound that you didn't create but you don't even tell them on your diagnosis and as a result it's destined for failure and they're not the expert at healing that wound and they didn't cause why do so many I'm not going to generalize but it seems like a lot of women that you hear about with content online yeah why do we see so many women causing frustration in their relationship when they start dating a man based on a wound that someone else did yeah not the man in front of them and because we've created a generation of narcissistic women and what's happened is the rise of social media and the rise of online dating and the rise of feminism has taught women that they are not to blame for any poor choices every poor choice is glamorized so if you want to be a sex worker it's great if you want to post in bikini pictures online it's fine if you want to be in with it every poor choice is glamorized and every internal reflection is seen as gaslighting yourself so they've even got talents for internal reflection to prevent it happening and so what will happen is they are trained to not reflect on themselves because we've been told we've been oppressed for so many years now it's time to make sure we project and so we don't take any accountability and as a result when we get into relationships if we don't feel completely soothed all the time he must be a narcissist he must be a manipulator he must be gaslighting he he he rather than III and unfortunately we've got an online Market that caters to that Wounded Woman that caters to that entitled woman and caters to that narcissistic woman and it's so wild to me that so many women talk about narcissism but the society today has just is just catering to narcissistic women if I post a picture online a bikini picture online there's nothing my husband can do that could compete with that level of activation impossible the the compliments they're complimenting the messaging that you're so sexy and beautiful and all these different things from thousands or millions of men around the world who have money and all these things yeah and there's nothing he can do he can't post online and get the same reaction and more so he can't give me the same level of validation so what's happened is we've created a setup in society that means men have to compete with a level validation they can't compete with with and if they go online if they join in Tinder that night they can have so many more options than a man can because we've got filters and we've got all of these again I really am privy to this myself I'm not I'm a filter Queen so but the things I can do to manipulate mail and validation you get more attention from men just about soothe myself and to remind myself I'm above this I don't need him I can replace him it's something men actually can't do so they have to rely on pornography for that they replace us with pornography and we replace them with likes wow and comments on social media wow how did this happen like why do why do you think is this a values thing a lack of values thing is this a okay if I feel wounded or I feel some type of trauma I need a an emotional release and so this makes me feel good and then it's just a slippery slope into more and more what's the where does this how does this start and when does it end I think it comes from the fact that we've created a culture that whenever there's a problem there's a temporary solution that doesn't get rid of the root so what I mean by that is if there's a problem with intimacy for men and they're not getting women there's pornography if there's a problem of low self-esteem in women because they don't have meaning and purpose they can post a few pictures online we've created a way of solving problems that doesn't get rid of the root so we're always seeking highs and the problem with highs as they come with lows so you end up having more problems more low self-esteem and then seeking bigger highs to get that kind of back to neutral state so I think the problem comes with problems being solved by seeking highs and a real focus on kind of values that are very empty empty materialistic values so you are a beautiful high value woman if you're really really beautiful and you're a high value man now if you are really really rich but there's nothing to do with connection and intimacy that now gives us status and so and I think that's come from social media mainly where does this lead over the next three to five years with this narcissistic you know Society I guess that's been built in this way what happens for people in relationships are people able to find intimacy and connection and stay committed and being actually happy in a healthy relationship or is it only going to get worse it leads to intense and pervasive loneliness unfortunately really and I probably will only get worse unfortunately until we wake up to the impact of technology both on men and women it's going to lead to a complete identity crisis external kind of extrinsic values that don't benefit anybody which then manifests in depression loneliness self-inflicted depression loneliness yeah when I say low depression loneliness it's not like um I I have a disease or anything it's self-inflicted through poor choices so unfortunately it's going to lead to men not being able to commit to women because they can get all of the joys of the sexual relationships without having to invest and we may not being able to commit to men because they can get all the validation of male attention without having to adapt and change themselves according to the needs of the relationship what happens when men and women never commit um they find themselves unable to put somebody else's well-being above their own so we're creating people who are entirely individualistic deprived of responsibility and unable to care and nurture for others because they're not putting somebody else's well-being above theirs when you are unable to commit essentially wake up every single day saying what do I want to do what do I want to do today and it's nice and it's freeing as that is it deprives you of human responsibility and in order to truly become something we're designed to be responsible we're designed to be valuable we're designed to serve others this is how we've evolved so becoming completely individualistic leads to a sense of learning narcissism I believe what is the generate what is the age generation of in your opinion of the highest amount of narcissistic men and women is it people from 15 to 22 is it 20s or 30s like what is the age group that you see as the most extreme narcissist I would imagine it would be from 15 to 25 this is without actual any research onto I would imagine so because they they um raised to serve their desires and not serve others we have raised children to serve themselves in every way shape and form so whether that is through a you know pornographic interface sending each other snapchats of each other nude this is something that was alien like in our generation it was unheard of but the average 12 year old is now put under pressure to send nudes to the other and one thing I heard 12 year olds 12 year olds I swear teachers so I used to experience this a lot where well just sending nudes on Snapchat to each other to each other uh yeah coerced to all volunteer volunteer just to get more attention right or together and what's so weird is when you work with children you we're always told about predators and we're always told about sexual assault from old Predators but you would be so surprised at the level and age of sexual predators now they're aged between 12 and 15 now we're 12 to 15 year olds are now becoming predatory because they're so saturated by sex that they've dehumanized connection and they see it as part of growing up well I mean why would a 12 or 13 or 15 year old girl send a nude to another 12 13 or 15 year old boy because they're growing up with role models who post on only fans they're growing up being told that you don't actually need an education you can make fifty thousand dollars a month if you just post the right pictures online so when you are told that and you are bored to death in a maths class and you're being told to learn like you know about parameters on the rectangle that you don't care about or you can see a really sexy girl talk about how much money she's making where is a child going to go particularly when they're not raised in a home or environment which boosts their self-esteem and emphasizes internal morals so why are children going to go it's not their fault at all it's the society we've created and what we've glamorized and highlighted for children that's interesting because Martha my girlfriend she'll say the mind that her dad did a really great job when she was you know 10 11 12 13 when boys started to show attention right yeah he did a really great job on paraphrasing where she told me that he used to say listen guys are going to tell you you're beautiful and you already know that yeah so don't be wowed when they say you're beautiful you're pretty you look attractive like you know that you have other values to contribute and if they don't see those other things then okay just they're friends you know but don't buy into that type of game well don't let that be the most interesting thing about you and I I find a little bit strange about being online is I'll get a lot of comments about my makeup and my appearance of whatever it is which is very very nice um but I didn't understand why that would even be part of the conversation and I would imagine it's because they assume that if you have a certain appearance why would you even bother at working on your education because they only see it as binary if you've got one you don't need the other well you absolutely need the other you absolutely because it's the only thing that will exist forever your looks is the only depreciating asset you have wow so why would you want to derive your value from it and your self-esteem from it it's we know it's depreciating because what happens when the looks start to fade in women who've only put their value in their physical appearance what happens well what happens is they end up with men who are equally shallow here's the thing if I'm just a pretty face I'm going to end up with a man who only likes pretty faces now the reality is that man is so easily distracted with the next pretty face and the next 25 year old and the next so what will happen is you're in a constant competition with people you can't compete with for the rest of your life and similarly if I was somebody who just sold sex and just I'm going to find a man who's addicted to sex and men that are addicted to sex will always want novelty you'll never be enough so reality is when you create your identity on something so fragile you attract somebody who's also very fragile and then you end up in a lonely cycle unfortunately now whereas when you develop something deep you attract someone deeper and your connection tends to be more lasting God willing it tends to be more long-lasting right I think I heard you share recently online something about like Financial connection and emotional connection yeah can you explain more about that yeah I think what's happening unfortunately men are being indoctrinated into thinking that as long as you provide financially you can get the hottest girl in the world and as a result you you're a higher value man and you you've made it but essentially when you lead with finances you attract a woman who's emotionally detached because emotionally present women uh finances does not compensate for lack of quality time no matter how rich a man is she wants quality time whereas emotionally detached women they don't care if you're gone for six months on a business trip as long as they've got a bag and a house and a Rolls-Royce and whatever it is so when you're that man you're gonna attract that woman so you think I'm providing her with everything she's not going to go anywhere she's thinking you've provided me with everything now I can go somewhere wow so you're actually you you lure yourself into a false sense of security a lot of really successful men will look at a woman think I've given her everything she's not going to go anywhere she because she's got external kind of extrinsic value she's saying I've now got everything from this guy where do I go next so what can I get what more can I get from somewhere else from somewhere else and so unfortunately why is there not loyalty when a financially you know a stable man is able to provide finances to their partner why is that loyalty not there because they the glue of the relationship is broken superficial it's superficial the glue they used was superficial the glue he that he's replying on is physical attraction and the glue she's relying is financial stability the glue is weak whereas if the glue is emotional intimacy absolutely you can get loyalty you can't be emotional intimacy when it comes to loyalty once you have emotional intimacy you really it's very difficult for somebody to be your competition because they know you in a way that nobody else can you can be vulnerable in a way nobody else can but when you deprive your relationship of emotional intimacy every single person is a competition and this is something these people with junk values don't realize wow unfortunately like but did you find that hard like I mean being so financially successful did you find it would attract the wrong kind of women um yeah I've always been in relationships yeah and so you know I wasn't like single for three years it was like just attracting everyone I was kind of like I I loved intimacy as well as more like diving into a commitment as quickly as I if I found someone like I felt like okay maybe there's something here but it just seems like with the content I see online and what I'm hearing from stories from people in the dating World who've gone through divorce and breakups like it is a struggle out there that's what I'm hearing and I don't know if that's just certain cities in America or if that's globally or if it's different in other countries like that and it's very much I think it's extreme in La obviously extreme yeah and unfortunately because I come from Dubai and I live in London and stuff like that I I focus on the extremities I know in simple Villages this doesn't happen but unfortunately um I'm not privy to though they tend to be healthy and they don't even watch my content right they're happy and they got their kids and they walk their dogs the people that watch are the ones that are struggling and they're usually similar kind of issues there's only three or four issues that all my clients will have what is that um infidelity um men using men in very much infidelity on part of the woman women cheat more than men formal come on come on why do you think women cheat more than men um because they're in denial about the infidelity when they cheat they don't even label it as that when if a woman starts cheating yeah they label it as my husband's no longer satisfying me they won't even say I'm cheating they'll say my husband isn't Saturday they find a way to redirect and shift the terminology so that they are void of guilt really absolutely so how do how do we know women are cheating more than men what is it like as public knowledge if there's surveys are you just hearing this from the people you're coaching the people I'm coaching because firstly you'll know it's simple signs that you'll know firstly when the guy I always say infidelity is a result of men not being masculine and women not being feminine and what I mean by this is if a woman is cheating it's because she has a man that accepts unacceptable because he is unwilling to walk away when his boundaries are broken so what will happen is when women meet that man with a good woman with good morals and she doesn't want that man she's like I don't want a week she'll leave she'll leave she'll replace him with somebody who has boundaries that suit her morals but a woman she won't cheat because she'll have the values of like this isn't working it's sad no I don't want somebody while I'm with you no desire to cheat she's not a sexual being yeah and that so she's looking for somebody who can need a household but the woman who's planning to come home late all the time in from planning to go on a bunch of holidays and planning to keep in touch with her ex I'm planning to post a bunch of provocative pictures online he's perfect he's perfect perfect because he'll maybe pay for everything he maybe sort the house out maybe give other kids he's perfect so that we can keep getting the validation from all these other men whoever she wants and he'll say oh babe I don't really like that bikini picture and she says stop oppressing me and that will be end of the conversation and that they shall carry on doing what she wants and he'll say oh you're going to come home today I'll come home when I want and that's what he'll say okay and because she recognizes he doesn't have the willingness to walk away when the man isn't masculine he's his days are numbered his days and good women filter themselves off away from men that are too agreeable now when women get cheated on again it's a lack of femininity and what I mean by that is honestly what I've noticed with married well that's cheap it's not that they love somebody else so much or they found someone more beautiful they simply have a wife that is no longer catering to their needs in any way shape or form so what type of needs or sexual needs their intimacy needs their supportive needs kinds of need so what I mean by that it could be as simple as there's a coffee radio because you're going to work or it can be as deep as I haven't slept with you in six months it's his needs no longer matter and it's really difficult I understand when you have kids and stuff like that it becomes difficult is it when he feels his needs don't matter or he's communicating with he wants and she's not willing to provide that he's saying it he's saying she's just like I don't have time for this or she's busy or whatever he's open saying it but she's also not predicting his needs and that's part of femininity part of femininity is I know he's coming home let me just warm up a bit of food or I know that he's got work early start let me just iron that shirt quickly because he's going to make a mess if he does it and it's part of femininity what would the feminist movement say to that I'm just curious they would argue that it's not your he's not a baby that's what they would say men are not babies but here's the reality they are in a lot of ways they are there not always they really baby sometimes but you know what it is it's something about I I don't understand this myself but there's something about that they could be hungry or whatever it is but when their wife makes them a meal it tastes totally different to whatever you could order or whatever they could order themselves or when their wife and there's a love to it there's a there's a support behind the scene it's being seen in a way that nobody else sees them there's something about like you of course you can make your own coffee in the morning but there's something about your wife just putting it there without you asking for it that just makes you feel seen now what I notice is when women do forget to do that they create they set the tone for a man to now go towards escorts and I'll tell you why because they're always creating a transactional relationship they're making him feel like an ATM anyway if yeah it's like I'm not getting my needs met I'm paying for everything I'm paying for everything and I'm being disrespected maybe yeah or whatever I'm an ATM interesting I'm already an ATM whether that's okay or not to think that way that's just the way he sees it so if I'm coming home and she doesn't even notice I'm there she's never cooked a meal she's never asked me how my day is but I'm paying for everything and I'm giving her a great life I'm already on e-team I might as well be an ATM to somebody who's gonna touch me and kiss me sexual needs or something who's going to at least pretend at least even if that is actually right exactly and if and then the worst thing is escorts and sugar babies and stuff they know this man's been deprived of attention so they know exactly what to say to these men to have them party in their hands if I wanted to I would know exactly what to say to him if I was in escort I would know exactly what to say how to touch him how to connect yeah do you need a coffee do you take Two Sugars or one that some men haven't heard that in years from their wives wow they haven't heard that in years ago do you want me to rub your shoulders they haven't heard that in years from their wives and these are men that work hard and do that this I'm not saying they're Justified but this is they build a resentment so when women get cheated on is there lack of femininity and when men get cheated on is there like a masculinity and people hate me for this because what they want to say is I was cheated on because my ex was a narcissist but the the infidelity is a dynamic I'm nothing there are compulsive cheaters but even in that process you select that compulsive cheetah they show you the signs anyway yeah like if I if I'm a woman without boundaries or no because he comes home late he's flopping you that I know something but the reality is and people always come to me like you're victim blaming but no this is not what we're doing here the reality is people shouldn't cheat but also thieves shouldn't steal but I have to lock my doors I have to I have to protect myself similarly people shouldn't cheat but I have to lock my doors I have to at least to ensure I'm creating a dynamic that creates enough intimacy where they don't need to if they then go on to at least I know I did everything but if I don't cover the basics of course it's going to lead to right yeah of course so we I hear a lot about this high value man and high value women and all these things online you know and the high value man is someone who's making over six figures and over six feet tall and whatever it is like Mr house over here yeah um but what is it that man can do to become more high value than just their financial abundance and their height how can they be a high value man whether they have money or they have height or any of that stuff have complete and utter self-control and what I mean by that is you try and control your mind body and soul in a way that would lead to positive long-term outcomes for you as a man if you get to the gym and you eat right your long-term body will appreciate that if you save your money you don't waste it on alcohol and clubs and there's something your long-term self who will be able to invest in uh I say Netflix not Netflix nfts and all that stuff whatever it is that businesses your long-term self all appreciate that if you're able to dedicate some time to some spirituality or something to disconnect from this world your long-term anxiety will appreciate that so A man who has complete and utter self-control and makes responsible decisions that serve him in the long run is truly high value somebody who can resist short-term desires and short-term Temptations for long-term goals who can shake a man like that right a man who can assist having sex with every single woman because he doesn't want to get the wrong woman pregnant who can who could shake a man like that or as a man with no self-control the you know any woman can distract him any money can distract him any opportunity can distract him he is malleable that doesn't you can't be high valuable high value and malleable at the same time so it's having an identity that's constructed on self-control that will make you high value it doesn't matter how tall you are how short you are how rich you are how broke you are if you've got no self-control you're a weak man unfortunately it's very difficult to have self-control but if they can Master it they're incredible so what I'm hearing you say is women should really be looking for that quality and the partner they're choosing okay he's tall dark and handsome or whatever it is these days and I guess women are more into like the skinny like artistic guy whatever it's always like changing but he's a certain look and he's got a certain amount of money he's a high value man if he hasn't got self-control he's a liability to you and your children yeah and you have to remember that so what happens when you get in a relationship with a man who on paper looks like they have everything great career they've got money they've got the car they've got the house they're put together to rest well grooms perfect height you know all these different things great friends great network but they lack self-control what will happen down the line relationship marriage kids unfortunately what that might look like is if you lack self-control it might look like um indulging with other women it might look like um gambling your money away it might look like eating and consuming the wrong kind of drugs or whatever it is a lack of self-control will lead up to a man down a path where he will no longer be able to recognize himself wow whereas self-control he has a consistent identity from the day he's born into the day he died because he dictates his future even if he wants to have a day of no control it was his choice it was genuinely his choice if it's one or two days where he wants to get drunk and he wants is it but he's not he's not subject to the environment or to be people and to everybody else it's influenced by his surroundings it's influenced by his what his long-term goals are and if he's got like tomorrow I don't have to start early I'm going to get drunk today or you know what I'm single I'm just gonna you know today I'm just gonna do what I want to do no I'm not judging that because it's an element of self-control but when it's like oh my God I'm so stressed I need to watch pornography oh my God I'm saying this unfortunately that man is self-destructive and you can't have children with self-destructive men unfortunately similarly with having women right I don't mean it's just for men you you cannot have children with people who are self-destructive because it's contagious and it will then go on to the children and so on and so forth and so many people forget this when they're selecting Partners yeah I mean and I want to get to the women's side here like what the what a high value woman is and should be defined by um but you really can't change your partner that much no absolutely once someone has chosen this is my identity this is who I am they have to be the ones that say I want to improve grow transform heal change but not you're not gonna be able to influence them over and over to be exactly what you want yeah if you try if you think I'm gonna get married to this person then and when I control them it's gonna be they're gonna be miserable when you enjoy them and try to change them absolutely and also you've shown them that you accept their unacceptable Behavior so they can't change and respect you so let's say for example I choose a man who's a compulsive Gambler I've already chosen him he already knows I have low boundaries so I've he I've already shown him I accept the unacceptable so save tomorrow he became a really great guy he's still gonna want me he's going to outgrow this woman with no boundaries who accepts the unacceptable women think he's going to be like oh I'm so grateful to my ride or die he's really going to be like I've outgrown this person as he should because he shouldn't be with a woman that accepts the unacceptable because she's not incompatible with the new him same thing with men and women she might feel like inferior as he's transforming and growing if she's not willing to do it together with him yes absolutely there was no boundaries and yeah and we as like it's like when you have a manager at work that lets you come in late lets you you know drink on the job let's take days off if one day they stamp The Authority I'm not listening to you but um when you decide to be better at your job you're going to want a new workplace because you want better manager you want better structure so same thing happens in all human connections unfortunately absolutely you got to create that standard estate you want to stick to it unfortunately so it seems to me that and correct me if I'm wrong that in today's society a how a high value woman is someone who is beautiful attractive has a you know young body yeah and gets lots of attention from men online it seems to me like a desirable high value woman is perceived that in today correct me if I'm wrong absolutely I would agree what do you think men should be looking at as what a high value woman is I think um what they classify as a high value woman is actually truly a narcissistic woman and what they should be looking at is a woman who has intrinsic rather than extrinsic values and what I mean by that is when you select a woman who enjoys explosive kind of attention from Men You're selecting a woman who will never be satisfied with you oh man unfortunately and you're selecting a woman who relies on external validation for self-esteem and that will never go in that woman what you really should be looking at is a woman who has intrinsic values now these are things like how connected I am to my friends and family how much do I serve my community how much can I look after you and your well-being how much self-esteem do I derive from having a purpose and loving those around me Unfortunately they look at what is packaged the best way and that woman is unfortunately she's unattainable because she's emotionally broken to require that much validation can't be healthy and I say this as a woman who's online myself and people could very much argue the same for me but one thing I noticed is if I look at my DMs they're endless and I don't show skin I don't show body it's not that kind of content so I think and it annoys me I'll see it and I'll just quickly you know this is nonsense um so imagine being a woman who only posts things that create external validation at least I'll get a few messages saying I love your content blah blah but you're just posting your body you're just getting I love your tits I love your boobs this is a woman who wants that why would you while on Earth would you think that woman is now going to be able to serve you and your family and your children in a wholesome manner don't she's not equipped for it but again I'm assuming that people might be commenting or saying well this is you know and don't don't diminish my self-expression this makes me feel great I can do what I want I want to express myself I want to post bikini photos all day long so I'm allowed to do whatever I want and I like it I like expressing myself I'm a you know so I am don't tell me what to do all these different things so you know what do you say to somebody that might be for you know Express away but don't expect that woman to be wholesome she can express however she wants I could sit there and express myself through nudes and bikini pictures Etc but then don't put wholesome Traditional Values I don't assign them to me because I'm not signing them to myself so if she's expressing her that herself that way you as a man how dare you expect her to have these complete opposite values yeah so just accept her for who she is she's not wrong I'm not actually saying she's wrong by the way I actually don't think there's anything wrong in that but I have a realistic expectation of what that woman is going to bring to your life in terms of a relationship in terms of a relationship yeah she's somebody who craves knowing that she's still sexually attractive to other men because that's what the audience will be women don't follow women who just post stuff like that so that's what um how audiences it's that woman so why would you try and create like why would you force her why would you try and get her to Contour into your values and your what you want out of it she's going to be a more primary school she's going to be more Unfaithful but that's okay but so but the problem is you either accept tough for who she is when you go somewhere else but don't expect that woman to have the values that you want them to have you've been coaching uh people for a while now yeah and you said there are what one of the main themes you see that people struggle with the most in your your 101 or online coaching I would find that's the main thing for men is the addiction to pornography yeah how many men are addicted to pornography today I I would say that unfortunately in the younger generation here's the problem with the addiction to pornography when I have a man on the phone to me and he's got and this is irrelevant whether he's handsome not handsome whatever is in shape no shape but he's having struggles with women he's having some problem with women they're either transactional using him cheating on him whatever it is I don't ask any question other than are you addicted to pornography that's the first question they'll come to me on the phone and say this my my girlfriend's doing this I don't know how to get about first question I ask is are you addicted to pornography because there's a masochism in the in there that they don't realize and they'll say no no I'm not addicted to pornography I watch it maybe twice a week three times a week but I don't I don't know if that's healthy I don't think there's any level that's healthy and what pornography does unfortunately what pornography does to men is it allows them intense gratification without the fear of rejection and what men need is a rejection in order to build their bravery and redirect them if I'm really overweight or if I'm not making a lot of money I'm living in my mom's basement and I go out into the dating world I realize women don't find that attractive so I redirect myself you have to improve you have to overcome you have to let go you have to and learn from the feedback and have courage to take consistent action and build self-control exactly but what pornography allows me to do is maintain that state whilst getting the gratification I want and the other thing it does to men is it blurs their true value so they will see these beautiful women online go into the real world and say a piece of four out of ten he should be aiming for a four out of ten women but he'll think I I don't want that girl I'm not attracted to this girl and they'll be aiming for the 12 out of 10s and they can only access them through escorts or through uh I mean in America they call it passport Bros have we heard of that concept where they go to like maybe the Philippines or they go to other countries and marry women and you know yeah it's kind of like a 90 day then they try and do it that way instead to access those type of women's because they've been so addicted to pornography they've got a skewed perception of what their true value is and what their true match is what do you think pornography is doing to the male brain chemically um it's making them incapable of connection both physically and emotionally physically they have erectile dysfunction and I'm talking to 28 year old boys that will have an erectile dysfunction and they can't perform and emotionally a poem doesn't model intimacy it actually models how to make hate with a woman not how to make love so they learn how to spit on women they learn how to degrade women they know how to make fun of minorities they learn all of these things and they think they're learning all these skills but when you speak to women they'll say they're the least satisfying sexual encounters with the man that's addicted to porn because he's reenacting and not reading her body he's not learning it's not intuitive he's not it's not connected not at all he's not there in the moment so not only is he doing all these moves that she's not connecting with but he then he can't even lift his cover because it is an erectile dysfunction so imagine the experience from a woman's end she's just like this is the worst experience I've ever had he is also realizing okay she's not enjoying this let me just stick to porn because I'm terrible at sex so that rejection that encounter is so negative that they go deeper into the rabbit hole unfortunately and can I just say pornography is not good for women either I think the rise in bisexuality in women is predominantly from exposure to porn yeah I think so I don't think it's how many women are watching porn from people you talk to or coaching or just not as much but when I I what I find really difficult about pornography and really disempowering is a majority of the time that women are watching it they're doing it for them with Partners pleasure very limited for their own so they're watching girl on girl and they're watching other things on that and then engaging on that behavior primarily for a male gaze from male attention for men to be fine and satisfying rather than their own thing because women tend to be more emotionally connected to sex so if they're engaging a lot of pornography it's for um male and desires so they're almost catering to the male gays in a way that's helping them lose their own identity they're signing up for degradation they're signing up for confused sexual identity they're signing up for a society that only caters to male sexual gratification so I find it more bizarre that women watch porn do you think why do men watch more important than women um because I think for men it's the ability to access any type of woman without the fear of rejection and men are more likely to be rejected when they go and seek sex in the real world yeah and so I think it's just the bypassing rejection is what they're doing far more than women why are women not into your porn as much though why are they I want to watch it because without an intimate connection porn is out of sex is limited in how gratifying it can be yeah it's almost like having a cake without sugar like without the ingredient of intimacy it's just a bunch of empty calories and it's not worth the taste so that's what porn is like for women without actually caring about somebody and sometimes they're watching but they're still trying to learn how to please their partner through it so there's an element of my partner my partner my partner whereas for men it's just to bypass the rejection that they don't want to face yeah unfortunately and it is a coping mechanism for a lot of people yeah yeah so drugs alcohol yeah pornography but the thing is it's so easy for me to be judgmental but I didn't grow up where the smartphone had access to pornography I don't know what kind of person I would have been and I also have a religious kind of reason to avoid points so I I I'm not saying this to be holier than thou I'm very aware that if I was in a different circumstance I'd be just as addicted but it's so bad for us it's so so bad for couples and intimacy and everything is so terrible and it's something that's almost just accepted what I find so shocking is if I was to watch a child for your abused and get joy out of that I would be arrested rightly so but cut to 20 years when that child is now engaging in voluntary sex work which is usually most sex offended children go on to do sex work is accepted voluntary or voluntary because what happens when a child's been infused they often try and regain control by engaging in sex work wow is their way of reestablishing control and boundaries that were ripped off them so they're thinking now I'll monetize it and take some control so usually most people who work in the sex industry have a history of child abuse sexual abuse so I just think watching vulnerable people will kind of re-traumatize themselves and getting joy out of that should be somewhat more spoken about rather than just seeing it as an industry it's not an industry that is created on like you know movies where people who went through a school and tried it's usually people who went through trauma have now found themselves in working in porn and we're okay to just watch it all day every day it's scary all right what would you say are the uh the big three big flags that a man or a woman should look out for when they're entering a new dating relationship unfortunately I really hate to say this because we can't really control this is but your childhood uh unfortunately your childhood creates an embedded kind of conflict between you and love when we have a chaotic childhood what we do is we create a cool belief about ourselves that we're not worthy of love we don't deserve love or love love is painful and because that's a cool belief we go through life looking for somebody to validate that core belief now if I meet somebody loving even I will still try and create that core belief and make love chaotic so I oh I'll sabotage or do something so unfortunately you have to look at their childhood now it doesn't mean if they've got a bad child of their written half but if they haven't acknowledged the impact you're gonna start the healing process you're going to be the punching bag oh man have you noticed that as well in my past what kind of things do women bring like in their well I think you know I think it's the responsibility of each partner to to ask those questions to to you know and I lack the inability to I saw that and that was what attracted me because I was wounded in my childhood right so it's like okay we're both wounded we're in this together yeah so I was the punching bag and kept kept sticking around because I lacked the courage confidence the you know skills the security in self to walk away from the feeling of love and intimacy the feeling of connection the false feeling well that broken childhood gives women some intensity that makes a man feel really loved in the moment absolutely and it's honestly they give you really passionate kind of sexual relations as well because they they always treat you like a temporary because they know chemistry is explosive right but it doesn't mean it's healthy it's not healthy and I've heard you talk about this I've talked about this as well it's like if if a person you're meeting feels boring yeah then that's a good thing it's a great it's a good thing it feels like exciting explosive and all magical every moment it's like the constant like that's probably when you want to run or really ask yourself why why why are you attracted to take care why am I attracted to this feeling and is that healthy I'm not saying it's automatic bad but it's a definite thing to pay attention to yeah and is it sustainable to do that to your body it's nothing it's the same it's like being in the ring for like 10 15 rounds yeah it's also like like you said you can only have that feeling for so long and then when it fades are you saying something's wrong I need to recreate that feeling yeah and they usually recreate it by Outsourcing chaos outside of the relationship so they'll have really stable healthy relationships but they'll find you know a guy on the side or a girl on the side that will recreate the trauma that they've had as a child unfortunately right and the reason why it's such a problem is children suffer children are the only ones that will suffer when you have kids yeah when you've attracted each other and you've been committed and you got stayed together the kids suffer from your behavior yeah always so it's being so like um so that's the first flag isn't aware of the person's childhood right is to like ask the questions yeah and it doesn't mean they're not a good person or they're nice you can't be friends or if you get into it you just have to be aware this is what you might be dealing with yeah second thing I would say is do they set boundaries or do they sell sabotage and they're two very different things people think boundaries means oh you upset me I'm never speaking to you again I don't tolerate nonsense I've got boundaries that's not how boundaries work boundaries are actually instructions to help teach the person How To Love You So my boundary might be as simple as okay take the shoes off when you go into the living room yeah that's a boundary self-sabotage is not saying anything and be like oh my God he wore his shoes on my in my living room I'm never speaking to him again so I would say the ability to communicate and boundaries in a way that will bring you closer rather than simply kind of drawing lines and running away and so I think effective boundaries is a really important red or green flag that's been a game changer for me with Martha because we we really created ingredients early on amazing what kind of agreements man we did so many early on there were just like anytime there might have been a little like oh they didn't feel that good or disturbance as opposed to us just letting it slide each one of us were like I don't know if I like that I'm not saying you're wrong here but I would just like for us to create this agreement so that I don't feel weird and I don't feel like you're taking advantage or whatever it might be so and what was it like one of them was one of them was like you know early in a relationship you're talking all the time yeah morning day and night and there was a couple of times where it was like 1am we had some like minor disturbances there was like just confusion we're both tired it's not getting it's getting in a loop we're not finding a resolution to this like challenge and so we both came to the agreement like and let's not have these conversations in bed right like it doesn't really seem to go well these last couple of times it's not like it was horrible or explosive it's just like we woke up tired and like we didn't find a resolution it didn't feel good let's just have the conversation during the day when we're both awake okay now when we hit the bed and then we start talking about something that was upsetting and that has created so much peace because we both have an agreement amazing we created a healthy boundary by calling an agreement yeah and we stick to that standard right and previous relationships what would you do instead oh I would just try to solve the problem stamp all night and I would just you know and then we just escalate it escalate to like frustration and exhaustion and then resentment the next day like why is this happening and it repeats again every few weeks okay so this is so now it's now healthy I explained to you what I need and we do it accordingly exactly amazing yeah and making sure both of you are able to communicate what you need so there's an agreement and make sure you both agree on that amazing so it's very lucky to find a party yeah okay so do they set boundaries or do they self-sabotage that's the second green or red flag what's the third uh competition or cooperation and what I mean by that is when you have a partner that values your well-being and wants to see you feel less anxious wants to see you feel happy once you want you to feel connected um they are Cooperative so when they say when you say things like oh baby I haven't heard from you all day they're like oh I'm so sorry I've completely forgot uh I'll call you in five minutes give me 10 minutes I'll call you but other times you'll have a partner where you say oh you know I haven't heard from you stop trying to control me you're always taking over you are you're so needy it's stuff like that is is it competition or is it cooperation when you voice a concern do they actually want to see that you and the relationship get better and your well-being matters or are they so stuck on their autonomy and Independence and not being controlled by you that they reject and neglect their responsibilities towards you so I think that kind of understanding your partner's well-being if it's not a case of like why are you trying to control me why is it it's more of a case of oh I didn't mean to okay I understand your point it's those um partners that are in competition with each other who can hurt who is the most or who can stay the most disconnected who can stay the most independent why are you together I don't understand those relationships it's torture it's real torture so it's like oh I'm liking extra pictures she told me not to like pictures now I'm going to do 10 times more oh you know he told me not to post bikini pictures now I'm going to post 10 times more why are you together are you if you're going to hurt each other because hurting them should be hurting you if you're in a healthy relationship and Kate like prioritizing their well-being is a form of prioritizing your own well-being if you're in a healthy relationship so that Corporation should be there if it's not there then try and avoid that person unfortunately my work is about helping people have the difficult conversations that they need to have one to have don't know how to have as long as they want to I can do something right if they think they know it all and if they think they know you even better than you know yourself that they have no curiosity ...
