Be Irresistible, Click Here Subscribe for more great content: ▶️ Recommended for you: ... people have this arrogance where they&...
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people have this arrogance where they're like if I have to communicate it's not real in this world especially because of movies and shows and songs it's taught us that if we have to explain it then that person doesn't love you they should be able to mind read and predict and stuff and then it creates the ingredients for a distant relationship communicating effectively is essential why do we try to change people from who they are to fit our world because we're too insecure to walk away W waiting for them to change is just waiting for the divorce when you enter a relationship a part of it should be to respect it enough to let go of relationships that don't serve the new relationship in a way that's going to be constructive just because I have the ability to have a very platonic relationship with an ex doesn't mean I should have the willingness to do it if it disrespects my current relationship how many people in relationships feel alone in the relationship I would say um particularly in the cultures where we live now I think majority of them feel alone and the reason being is I think you got to have a dream the school of greatness really yeah please welcome L how I've interviewed a lot of people over the last 10 years and typically when someone has a lot of wisdom like yourself they they don't get to wisdom because everything was perfect yeah and uh everything was happy and safe and comfortable and life was good yeah it's usually some challenge trauma break down at some stage of their life you know if they're maybe they're in a marriage they went one way they got divorced and they realized like oh there was a pattern that I lived or something happened and so I'm going to go down this path cuz I had this experience it was childhood thing or something like that uhuh what do you think makes you so wise around these concepts of relationships and also great context you're not married you don't have kids yeah so there's going to be people saying well she doesn't you know she's speaking about this but she hasn't really experienced relationship this level what makes you qualified to have this wisdom uhuh with where you're at in your life I don't know if it makes me qualified but I would say that there has to be a healthy level of trauma to ignite this level of curiosity towards human nature and I think in my particular case I faced a lot of neglect particularly from siblings I was very much like the middle child very much neglected very much by myself um and the thing that was really bizarre for me is I'd be such a big personality outside of the home I had so many friends and so many people would gravitate towards me and i' would go in my home and my siblings would totally ignore me and act like I don't exist and I would be spending countless amount of time by myself in my bedroom while they would have a great time and I could hear them laughing and joking and stuff and I was automatically kind of in between two worlds and so what would happen is I understood that the reaction I was getting outside of the home was not the same as I'm getting in the home and it was causing something in me I remember feeling like I know I'm worthy of love because everybody else seems to love me L but I don't feel worthy of love because the people I want it from don't give it to me so because I had this kind of dichotomy of like self-esteem I then realized how self-sabotaging I can be and how difficult I can be in so many relationships when people would be so L and even to this day like if somebody compliments me I find it so difficult to accept a compliment and I start to dislike the person who's complimenting me really absolutely so if I don't want to be your friend I'll be nice to you exactly all my lit all my CL if I don't want to be your friend exact be nice to you exactly it's the quickest way to get me to dislike you is to give me compliments really absolutely all of my closest friends are hypocritical of me and I keep it that way they'll say to me that looks bad or you look terrible there or you've gained weight I think Honesty feedback is great you know is also a great resource for a friend as opposed to over complimenting something that's not true maybe so there's some you know there some ele balance in there but there there's a strong dislike towards people who compliment me a lot because a part of me believes they're lying to me and it would probably be because at home I never got a single compliment till this day I don't think I've ever had a compliment so I think what happened is my home life and my self-esteem was so uh separated from my confidence I had low low of confidence but no real self-esteem and I saw how on the surface I come across really well put together and really like you know confident all these things but when you get to know me especially when the my partner knows me they see all of these insecurities and all this pain and all of this thing and it's like that s i met and the s that like is now in love is two different people really and me realizing that made me kind of go down this journey of understanding human behavior in a way that I guess requires a bit more empathy than somebody who would have it completely perfect yes you really you've really researched a lot yeah did that do that the same for you when you with your child absolutely I mean again being the youngest of four and kind of being feeling like I was was always the one left out right like my other I was a you know 5 seven 8year old brat you know just running around trying to get attention from my older siblings they're off with their friends they don't want anything to do with me I understand I'm I'm four years younger than my other sibling and then 11 years younger from my brother so they don't hang out with a five or seveny old you know it wasn't and they had their own stress so I don't blame them but I felt very alone my whole childhood until I turned 13 and then I left home yeah and I and I was like I can't do with this pain anymore get me out and that that and I was telling you beforehand that made me an observer of human beings my whole childhood because I didn't feel like I belonged or fit in or was accepted which I think a lot of people feel in in some instance in their life they don't feel like they belong they fit in or they're not accepted in some way yeah I felt that until I was 13 really I sat and watched people and I observed people what makes them react a certain way why are they in this energetic state what makes them you know cry what makes them laugh why are they reacting to this you know what what was it and so I just would watch people all day cuz no one would hang out with me right okay I would watch people at school I'd watch people you know on the streets I watch my siblings I would just watch cuz no one want to spend time with me right and that became an incredible skill set of understanding people a of seeing people and having compassion of seeing people and learning how to connect better and it's an ongoing journey and a process but you know that pain for really decade plus became something that was a superpower in a sense that allowed me to allowed me to have curiosity someone like yourself being like tell me more I want to learn I'm fascinated by what you've experienced what you've learned and why this pain or this challenge affected you to be this way cuz I know what affected me to be this way than I am yeah and actually made me very androgynous um the thing is sometimes the comments I get is oh you're feminine and stuff but I actually consider myself really I'm not this non-binary or all this stuff but mentally I think my content tends to be quite gender neutral I kind of talk about men and women quite equally but it was because I was um left out from my sisters girls so what happened is I didn't identify with being a woman and the other thing that is really interesting is when I was a third girl in my culture Pakistani culture you want boys so when I was born my parents were hysterically crying they couldn't believe they had a girl they were crying their eyes out to the point where the nurse came in thinking I stopped breathing and like we didn't want to go we really didn't want to go and so what happened is I grew up with almost like thinking I'm not a girl in a way like I'm not one of the girls I'm not one of the girls but I am so feminine so what would happen is I would always have more male friends and I'd always understand the male brain a bit better than the female brain because I always saw females as like people who don't like me and males would always be really nice to me so I always kind of understood them way better than and being a woman I understand women but I got this insight into the male brain that I couldn't have accessed if I wasn't so segregated from my sisters so it actually helped me academically and in this career path maybe not emotionally but it definitely helped me in this way yeah okay there's a few things I want to talk about there but something came up for me in a in a heterosexual relationship yeah what is it that men really want versus what women really want based on your experience growing up with men and understanding the male brain and being a woman what is it that men really want and that women really want and if each opposite knew this they would have a much better relationship I think for men the ability to be uh completely unapologetically themselves and have their needs predicted is something they can't do anywhere else in the world what I mean by that is for women um my best friend for example she'll know when I'm feeling low and she might get me a chocolate or my other the best friends I know I can call her when I'm stressed sad whatever it is I can Outsource this ability to have my needs met and without saying a word because women tend to be quite emotionally intelligent and I have the ability to be myself vulnerable happy sad whatever it is for men in the real world they have to be a man they have to wear a bit of a mask so they have to look like they've got it put together they have to look like they're in control they have to look they have to look they have to look so if they can go home where they can take the mask off and still be loved and appreciated that an appreciation for the isn't just a quick thank you it's also like I know you're tired I know you're hungry I know you need to get up early so I'm just turning I'm putting the kids to bed I'm just turning the volume off I know you need to get to bed that is a form of appreciation for them so I think if they have a a woman or an environment where they can take the mask off and their needs can be predicted it's something that they think they can only dream of they don't know that that actually exists for them would you agree or do you like what do you think from your perspective as a man I can speak from my perspective and maybe like male friends that I talk to who are um you know business owners who have you know multiple responsibilities Beyond themsel um and they have lots of employees or something like that or a brand or something is that there is a weight there is a weight that these men feel and that I feel at times and I'm not saying oh woe is me I have a wait or something it's just you've got to show up responsible for people more than just yourself you've got to show up and deliver not once in a while but every single day yeah and I welcome the responsibility I'm blessed to have the opportunity and the responsibility to have a vessel physically and emotionally and mentally and spiritually to carry the weight that uh you know has been G provided for me I'm blessed and that's why I train myself physically spiritually mentally and emotionally to take it on where it feels light yeah so that it doesn't weigh me down but that doesn't mean there aren't days when it isn't challenging yeah and just wanting to be able to go and relax and feel peace at home is the highest currency feeling accepted and and having a sense of Peace yeah and what would that look like for you you I mean I get it almost every night so I feel I feel blessed right um and that's that's that's why I feel even more peace um because of that and I but I why I'm blessed is because I know the complete opposite of it I know being and I'm not blaming anyone it's is just I know what it felt like to not feel that and it feels more weight is is piled on top of you and I'm not saying it's the women's responsibility or this and this it's really just I didn't choose correctly and that's okay and I didn't communicate the right way and I had healing to do and all sorts of stuff I would I think peace is definitely created I Le lot men say they want peace but usually the men that are like oh dying for peace and can't find it it's either they've chosen super chaotic but they might be engaging behaviors that are also not conducive to peace they don't have self control they don't have self-control they're coming home late they're drinking to they're watching pornography and and then they scream at their wife like why can't you give me peace but honestly when you meet a man who selects wisely and has self-control peace is an inevitable outcome he doesn't have to ask for it so I'm hearing you say like a man that can have someone meet their predictable needs correct as a form of appreciation a form of appreciation which there might be women saying well how am I going to predict when he can't predict what I want when he's not reading my mind when he's not you know there for me when I tell him everything's fine but I have actually have an attitude and I'm not showing that everything's fine how am I supposed to predict and be there for him if he can do that for me um because you have to ask yourself do I like that he doesn't do that for me do I like that experience of him not seeing it not doing it so and so if I don't like it then surely why would I create that also why would I emulate a behavior I dislike so perhaps you can role model the behavior you like and also manage your expectations what I mean by this is when somebody isn't predicting your kns men and women or isn't doing it is it deliberate is it that oh you I'm not going to do it for you or is it a case of oh I I didn't know let me help so the reality is are you communicating it before you get angry and communicating early on not after you're married say this is what I but actually communicating early on this is something that I I did differently and so did Martha we we communicated early on this is what I'm going to need now this is what I'm going to need in the future it's not like these crazy needs it's just like this is to be in a committed relationship to commit and be all in and be giving and of service and thinking about a future together yeah has want to need and here here's what I'm willing to do here's what I'm not willing to do and it's so wild because if any job description anything like that we'd want to know exactly what to do in order to get them to get promoted or whatever it is and it doesn't mean there's it's not going to grow and evolve and there's going to be you know flexibility but it's like at least communicate basic needs but people have this arrogance where they're like if I have to communicate it's not real because they watch too many movies oh my gosh yeah so what's happening especially in Western culture in any other culture in any other period of time it's like of course you tell people what you want how else are they going to know but in this world especially because of movies and shows and and songs it's taught us that if we have to explain it then that person doesn't love you they should be able to mind read and predict and stuff and then it creates the ingredients for a distant relationship emotionally so I think um communicating effectively is essential so what is it that if a man truly knew what a woman wanted they would have a happier healthier relationship it's difficult because it all depends on if you've chosen a woman who is healed and not so chaotic essentially what they want is to be be protected in a way that nobody else can and what I mean by protected it can be Financial emotional whatever it is but it's a way if I'm protecting my woman emotionally I'm not engaging in behaviors that will humiliate or hurt her if I'm protecting her financially it means I'm giving her my best doesn't mean I'm giving her everything but the best I can do if I'm a taxi driver I'm you know covering what I can cover but if I'm somebody who's Frugal with her she will always feel like um she she's more powerful than you and whenever she feels like he's not protecting she feels more powerful and then she becomes disrespectful but when she has a man that's protective of of her both her safety her emotions and finances she then keeps allows him to take control and whenever we feel more powerful than a man we feel unsafe and that unsafety makes us disrespect him and then look for other men wow it's almost evolved so therefore if it can protect us in those ways we we remain feeling safe so it's essential so what's the number one thing that makes women feel unsafe from the man they're with I would say that showing uh a complete disregard for her emotional well-being and that doesn't have to be sleeping it doesn't have to go that far to sleeping with other women it might be as simple as not replying to her messages or you know be behaving online like liking I know it sounds so bizarre but you'll be so surprised at how unsafe a woman can feel simply by watching whose pictures he's liking and commenting and saying it's such a simple thing from a man but from a woman's perspective it almost ignites her fight or flight response isn't that is that weird to a man um does it more for insecure women I think to a conscious man it makes sense that you're like okay would I like her doing this maybe it wouldn't but I mean maybe it wouldn't matter like for me it doesn't it doesn't really matter what she does to be honest you establish that trust yeah and um and if we haven't created an agreement on something something then she's going to do what she wants to do and then I would just acknowledge and say hey I don't really like this can we can we make an agreement on this yeah and if and we'll figure out what that is and then cool we've created a new Dynamic right but but I also just feel confident with who I am yeah and so if she's off doing something which she never has and I don't think she would ever do it but she's off doing something and I I would find out of eventually and I say okay well that's unfortunate but I guess this isn't the right fit or we need to figure out how to mend this yeah or I'll be okay you want to go live this life that's fine not going to be with me you know it's like all right it's sad it's unfortunate it's is that's the healthy way to see it because a lot of people think addiction is a testament to how much you love someone the fact that you can't let them go must mean you really love them but actually it means that you haven't established healthy boundaries and you don't have any self-esteem but yeah but there's also probably like certain things that Martha may want to do that I want to do myself and maybe it's not like the highest value that I would would have or with my time or my energy or whatever but it's who she is it's Unique to her so I'm going to accept her for who she is and I've chosen to accept her that's why when I got committed to her right before we committed I said listen is there anything else I need to know about you because I felt like I asked her as much as I could in in a few months period right and I got to meet her family and travel and do all these things you get to experience together that could cause upset or different things come out so I feel like I got to know at least a good amount in a short period of time I said to her as long as this is who you are and who you're going to continue to be there's nothing that upsets me oh there's no deal breakers well I was just like I'm going to accept who you are you know well there's some men that are like okay you you were a model or whatever you did something and now I don't want you to do that anymore now that we're together you can't do this thing anymore like Martha is an actress so she's done I don't know 40 different movies she's she's kissed men in movies she's done different intimate scenes I know that yeah and therefore I had to ask myself do I accept this if she continues being who she is yeah exactly and I had to say okay I'm okay with that as opposed to you can't do this anymore you have to change to fit into my world but there's the difference between insecure and boundaries because here's the thing a lot of um men like they'll say no I'm not being insecure I'm just setting boundaries but you are being insecure because here's the difference between SEC insecure and boundaries it's a secure man will see what you have to offer like read the menu and decide if you will stay or leave exactly an insecure man will say you need to do this you need to do this rather than just saying you are who you are I'm going to have to leave you're not right for me you're not right for me why do we try to change people from who they are to fit our world because we're too insecure to walk away wow yeah when we develop the willingness to walk away we actually love people for who they are you know you know what you're always out in the club all day day I actually like that you're really Lively and extra but it doesn't work for me but when I'm insecure it's like please be something else because I can't walk away from this I can't find anybody else so I'm always holding them by the throat begging them to be a better person because I don't have the strength to know when to walk away so that's when we I've been both of those in the past I've been yeah and it's so much nicer when you can become the person that just says it's okay be you we don't need to be the other it's okay and there's other humans in the world exactly so you can keep it moving and that's what the the boundary is between a secure and insecure man or woman yeah and waiting for them to change is just waiting for the divorce go here is a bonus relationship tip thanks to our sponsor regain a couple's therapy option offered by better help what's the question that's at your heart in terms of setting up Intimate Relationships for Success um I'm just trying to think about all the things that I did with Martha my my girlfriend which is essentially the opposite of everything I've ever done before yeah but the thing that really made me say oh this is this is my partner right and I can really feel safe emotionally spiritually physically safe with this person it's early on I said listen um I've made a lot of mistakes in my past relationships um and none of my past relationships have worked but in each one of them I wanted to do therapy when they weren't working right and the partners that I chose never wanted to do therapy with me right they were resistant they it took a year and a half two years of like it not working and me saying hey can we do this and find support yeah and they never wanted to do it um and I said listen this isn't really an ultimatum but I want to feel emotionally safe would you be open to going to therapy in the beginning of the relationship not when things have problems in the future but can we go together now yeah she was like 100% that'd be amazing I'm I'm down for whatever she was like I've always wanted to do that too yeah I felt like okay just her acknowledging that yeah and then us doing it has been a beautiful foundational process you've heard us talk about better help online therapy so we also want to share their couples therapy option regain visit rain.com greatness couples it's a powerful tool for any relationship at any stage when women think that a man will change in the future like he's got so much potential he's so great here and here and oh I love his family so much they welcome me in but there's these two or three things that I just man maybe one day he'll change yeah what typically happens in that relationship uh they fallen in love with their imagination and when reality strikes and unfortunately reality strikes at some point reality strikes when we fall in love with our imagination which we're very capable of doing particularly if we being traumatized one thing with traumatized people is that their imagination and reality can get blood um when we fall in love with our imagination unfortunately life will keep testing you and and reality testing will keep occurring until you're forced to face the person they truly are and it's usually kids or 10 years later or something like that and then they'll say they'll act like these um you know I didn't know he was like this I he came out of nowhere how can he's like this but really they showed you who they were from day one they always showed you you fell in love with your imagination and now you're angry that your imagination is not reality based so unfortunately it doesn't end well it's better to just be accept the person for who they are Flaws and All than to live in the illusion that they're going to change before you marry and get committed at that Lev absolutely what is I've from the people that I the women that I've talked to who have been married and divorced I always like to ask this question yeah did you know before you got married that it probably wasn't the right person like somewhere inside you knew or maybe you actually knew but you just were too far along and you went through with it thinking you would change yeah probably 95% of them said yes I knew I knew the day I got married I knew the week before I knew afterwards but I would tried to make it work anyways yeah why do you think so many women get married knowing it's the wrong man I think what happens is the biological pressure to become it's something we can't escape and I think no matter how many holidays we can kid ourselves with and how many career opportunities how many Alternatives there's a biological thing that kicks in with women at late 20s even it doesn't have to wait till people think it happens really late it doesn't it happens quite early on that where they start to think that they need to know what the future will look like to ease their anxiety even if they not going to have kids today to ease their anxiety that they will become a mother they just want to settle down they just want to get tick that box and um in the process of kind of com submitting to The evolutionary pressures and societal pressures they Overlook the red flags and sometimes it's not the man that's the issue they knew themselves that they're not ready for marriage they know themselves they're not very good at conflict or they know they know themselves they're still attached to an ex but the pressure to settle down H that they apply on themselves and their body kind of cause for causes them to walk down the aisle knowing what the result will be so do men have that too I don't ask men that question as much what I've found with men is they can sometimes know that they're not marrying the right person but usually because these men they tend to be okay with accepting the monotony of marriage those men that walk down the aisle knowing it's not the right person they tend to be like it's not the right person but I'm okay with settling down and I I accept the Bland uh reality of marriage they've they've succumbed to it but with women who know they will eventually go into like ask for the divorce men are happy to stay married even if they're not madly in love or not madly happy if they're that kind of guy who files for a divorce more men or women women yeah but a lot of the time it's a cry for help there's been so many times where women say to me it's like oh I told him I want a divorce but hoping he'd come back for me but he let me pack my bags and so sometimes they they um file for divorce or take it that far as a way of testing their partner and if they're with quite a healthy partner they'll take your word as gospel and they think you mean it why do so many women try to test their men constantly it's an evolutionary thing it's an evolutionary thing because here's the reality we are designed to have children with men and child birth is potentially fatal we we die from child birth if we were left in you know our natural habitat and so to put that on risk onto a relationship he better be able to endure all types of storms so we have to test them so we have to unfortunately test them we have to test are they going to be faithful are they going to be financially stable are they going to be able to um like have there in boundaries we push we push we push now the problem is unfortunately for men is when we push you and you ccum to us you automatically lose us we what we're saying when we're pushing you is really make sure you don't give into this because if I if you do then I know you're not strong enough oh my God give me an example what's common examp it might be something like I push a man to say I'm going to come home when I want I better I'm going to come home and do what I want with the girls where I'm going to come on girls trips I'm going to do whatever I want push you push you push you and then when you actually give in and say okay essentially she feels like she's not being protected so she feels like nobody's governing her you don't have a spine you responding you're not you're not responsible or she might say I'm talking to my ex-boyfriend and you say I don't feel comfortable with that she no you have to I have to have to fine he accepts it essentially she's saying that you don't mind calry you don't mind if I have an affair by so essentially what we're begging for is sometimes is the boundary not the not the kind of uh we're not looking for eating bowed out wow so hard for men to figure that out I feel so bad for men it's like a reverse psychology all the time unfortunately outside of people who are divorced and are responsible for communicating with their ex's to co-parent to co-parent yeah do you think it's possible for man or woman to speak to an ex partner as a friend while they're in a new relationship and and not and it not be an issue I think it's definitely possible but it's not necessarily respectful here's the thing it's definitely possible two people can move past it and they're not into each other and whatever it is but it's not respectful to your new connection so you have to choose whether just because I have the ability to have a very platonic relationship with an ex doesn't mean I should have the willingness to do it if it disrespects my current relationship or my current partner now if your partner is okay with it maybe that's different but I just think you should be self-regulated enough to know where your values are based and when you enter a relationship a part of that part it should be to respect it enough to let go of relationships that don't serve the new relationship in a way that's going to be constructive what do you think exctly I think that's right yeah I was going to ask you do you think it's do you think a man or a woman who is not liking if their partner is speaking to their ex relationship does that mean they are jealous and insecure or actually they have self-esteem think get that element of boundaries I think it's just a case so I think we naturally desire Partners who are self-regulated we naturally want a partner that says oh I'm in a relationship now I love you and I care for you but I'm in a relationship and I don't want it to affect my new partner so we naturally want somebody who has that now if we are asking for them to have that and it doesn't necessarily mean insecure it just means that you prioritize the relationship over other relationships that should really be a priority and a formal relationship outside of children with children is really important and it's really important to have a healthy relationship but outside of children um it doesn't have to trigger jealousy but it would be nice if your partner respected things without you having to voice them sure sure yeah would you be okay with somebody speaking to an ex or I wouldn't like it yeah no I it doesn't mean I I would feel like okay you you spoke to your ex like why I would say why do you need to doesn't mean they're going to have an effect I wouldn't be insecure about it I'd be like talk to whoever you want to honest it's not going to make me insecure as a human because if you want to be with your ex then go be with them yeah don't be with me yeah but I would just be like why why is this necessary so if there was it was it you know they had kids together that's the only thing that makes sense but if we just want to hang out and talk to them while go that doesn't work for me it doesn't make any sense it doesn't work for me yeah um and it just wouldn't understand it and it's not necessary things are necessary makes total sense but it's it's not necessary that's what I would say to that as well I wanted to ask you a question about um self-control and self-esteem yeah on a scale of 1 to 10 for you personally M 10 being high yeah and one being low yeah where are you on self-control and personal self-esteem I would say about a six I'm not as high as i' would like to be oh what self-control self- control I've got a lot I never drink and I don't overeat and I I go to the gym and stuff like that but here's the thing my self-control goes out the window during when I'm angry this is the thing so in what happens when you're angry when you're triggered in the the line S comes out what happens I mean and so the thing is all of the the thing is I pray five times I'll fast in Ramadan I don't really swear I don't watch pornography I don't all of these things are great but the thing is those are really self like my what I do for myself but when I get angry I hurt the people I love the most and therefore I can't say my self-esteem my self-control is high and as a result I can't say my self-esteem is high because nothing hurts me more than hurting the people I love so it's always like a paradox but because of my temper it's gotten better it gets better I think I'm just you lost energy and like over the years but um when you hurt people because you can't control your tongue um you go back feeling loads of Shame and guilt afterwards you feel bad absolutely whereas when you hold your tongue there's no shame in guilt zero so even on a spiritual level on a religious level on an emotional level when you can't control your tongue what good is it that you can get to the gym at 5:00 A.M what good is it that you can avoid carbs for a week if you're hurting people with your tongue and especially when this is the problem when you're like a bit of a you know speaker and a you know eloquent speaker or whatever it is you're equally eloquent when you're being horrible so more even more witty so awful so so okay you said seven on control six or seven six or seven because of my Tempo and self-esteem where are you I would say six as well six is it different with your self-esteem in your career versus relationships I derive no self-esteem from my career zero you have no self-esteem zero come on isn't that weird you wouldn't be able to create content consistently if you had zero selfesteem so you have to have some self-esteem confident here's what I do have you have confidence have confidence not self-esteem what's the difference between the two confidence is my ability to get the job done I can really a good video I know that and I can speak well on a podcast I know that whatever it is self-esteem is doing deserve this level of Accolade and notoriety really in my head no not really in my head it's just like do I deserve this level of like because I always say and I feel bad about this you know some people are like manifesting this for years and they've got a team and they've got had a vision board and they've hired somebody I never thought about being on social media I have a bunch of spelling errors in every post because I don't even proof read I literally post while I'm on the treadmill I take zero Pride or energy and it just praise be to God just happens to land well so my confidence is through the roof I can do it all day any day I know that self-esteem wise there's always an element and this is why I have the Imposter syndrome this is why I was so nervous when I met you I was like shaking I was like because I'm confident but I don't know if I deserve to be here with you so that's where my self-esteem for some reason doesn't seem to catch up with my confidence not yet anyway how do you how do you have confidence in something out if you know people are going to see it though you how you know when you know people are going to see it and they're going to comment on it and they're going to give critique good or bad how do you how do you have the confidence to put it out there if you lack the self-esteem to receive whatever comes from back I think it's just growing up as a punching bag that you're almost prepared for negativity I think that's what it did it cre me such a thick skin that it's not that I'm posting because I think I'm so great it's I'm posting because I can handle the hate and weirdly I get so much hate and not weirdly understandably I get so much hate um and considering I'm relatively like I'm not out here like trying to like kill your dog I'm just lit trying to but I get such a disproportionate amount of hate for considering my line of work and it's because it's all I'm always ready for it I'm always ready for that because I've always received a lot of criticism and a lot of hate not just with sisters just in general with women in general throughout my life so because I've always received that I have the confidence because here's the thing confidence isn't necessarily how great you think you are at something it's your ability to accept the rejection so because I have zero concern that you're going to be offended or you're going to be hurt or you're going to upset me that's what pushes me to do it no like it's okay for me so it's a bit like if I cooked something and you didn't love it I'm okay with that that makes me confident not because not just because of the positive but I can accept the worst case scenario because I can accept worst case scenario or the hate or this that the other that's why I have confidence but self-esteem doesn't really come from that W it's like you can accept the worst case scenario but you can't accept the best case absolutely not is that so weird but you have the confidence to put out stuff consistently such a weirdo that's an interesting Dynamic weirdo right it doesn't none of it make sense Saudia What would life be like if you were able to receive all the positive abundance that comes your way love affirmations generosity kindness compliments What would life feel like if you could truly receive it I would sleep better I think that's the main thing I would sleep a lot better better I think I constantly have like micro Awakenings because I'm very good at kind of brushing away the anxiety but your body keeps score of everything and the amount the way I kind of sleep um is always a signal that you're not at peace and you haven't accepted the love that's ever been directed towards you you almost push it away and you home in on the negative and you sabotage the love in some way shape or form and I think if I accepted it in the right way I would sleep a lot better how do you how do you sleep right now terribly yeah I love it in LA because I've got a jet lag so I'm for some reason I'm asleep at 8:00 p.m. and waking up at 4:00 a.m. but in the real world I have to numb myself into sleep so I have to watch something that will distract me from my thoughts I have to I I can't be alone with myself so I have to keep noise on I have to watch something I have to distract trick myself into falling asleep but just a gentle rest will never come to me is that weird it's not weird because for 30 years I couldn't sleep what did you do in I think it's it's a trauma response like yeah unsafe like I used to wake up in the middle night screaming crying at the top of my lungs uh until my mom would come in probably till I was like 9 or 10 and what was it drats or like that would make you like um I think my nervous system was so on high alert from not feeling emotionally safe or physically safe in some ways not necessarily cuz I felt like my parents were going to do something to me but I just didn't when you're emotionally unsafe you typically are physically feel your body feels unsafe you can't trick it you're not like okay I'm I'm not worried about what's around my surroundings you're always kind of like looking around and being like what is that what is that you know and so I it would take me a while to go to sleep right an hour and a half a night I would lay there try to sleep I couldn't do it and I would just be ruminating on my thoughts fears insecurities doubts traumas and um and I would just wake up screaming wow how old were you when that yeah from 5 to probably 9 or 10 so big enough to like not be screaming like yeah was like I was baby um and I was still wasn't able to sleep until I had 30 wow I mean I could sleep but it would take me an hour your body would be exhausted but your mind wouldn't and I would stay up super late because I just couldn't sleep and I was worried and so had a lot of anxiety anxious thoughts and I started to sleep better when I started to heal the biggest traumas from the past and then I started sleeping for 5 minutes oh May like wow right yeah but it was uh you know that's an evolutionary thing because we used to sleep in like Hunter gather at times where there'd be predators and stuff only when we feel safe could we sleep well and they did studies on the armish community Joan hary writes about this where in because they're collectivists and they all work together and they're all all one group they literally sleep like constantly in deep sleep so they get full sleep because they know they're so protected whereas in Western cultures where people are isolated they sleep they have the they High ofia yeah so it's actually biological being from Ohio I've you know Amish country is in Ohio Amish communi I didn't know that yeah they're throughout the Midwest but um I've you know you drive through Ohio and you'll see different Amish communities where it's literally they're driving around in horse and carriage they don't use electrics uh electricity they don't use uh certain tools there it's like hammer and saw oh wow and uh simple clothes you know work on aarm F and they're usually selling something you know um you'll watch it it's kind of like it's fascinating it looks like you're going back in time 100 years and I have a lot of respect for the Amish community for the community that they work together they share together they give together and they're all working together yeah they're they're doing something physical the kids are out and they're doing something but they're around the parents close by at least from my observation and I can imagine if you're outside in nature working hard all day long you're going to pass out of course you're be like Oh I'm going to and so much trust you are okay your identity is so spread along the whole community that you're getting the Jewish Community do this really well as well yeah they share responsibility of your children and they like raise each other so they have this ability to not rely on their own um kind of accomplishement to determine their self-esteem as long as a group is good they feel good so you spread it out and therefore it's very difficult to have an identity crisis because it's all about you is hard to be bored it's very hard to be it's hard to feel hard to feel depressed hard to feel lonely hard to feel all the things that are actually quite toxic and they they create a buffer for it yeah it's amazing do you think how many people in relationships do you feel like they feel alone in the relationship I would say um particularly in the cultures where we live now I think majority of them feel alone and the reason being is and Es really highlights this well is that we've got all of our needs like a so social emotional cognitive all of this we're putting it all on one person and when they can't fill all those needs we start to feel alone but before we would have a community would spread all those needs across different people and as a result we wouldn't blame our partner for our lonely kind of uh experiences so I think and I noticed this particularly with housewives in in Western communities what happens with Housewives is because they're feeling under kind of they haven't fulfilled their potential completely in their mind I'm not saying that they haven't but in their mind they feel lonely they feel super lonely because they almost feel like they're asleep to the child for the first couple of years and whereas before in our mom's generation and their Generations there'd be so many other moms there'd be so many stay-at-home moms so many aunts Uncle everybody would be close to by that child wearing wasn't so difficult now you have to do it totally alone so they end up finding it really difficult and they feel really lonely and they resent their husband as a result because if you just share it with somebody and he's usually gone to work or done something so they end up and it causes a lot why do you think uh new moms like to do it alone versus do it with support um parting the because we've created individualistic societies what's happened is we don't trust people anymore we see people as Predators whereas in other societies they literally share breastfeeding they're like give me your baby put it on there and they do stuff like that they raise them they pay for them they do everything so we've always created a fear of connection we Fe a fear of sharing responsibility and understandably because the world's a bit of a messy place so because what happens is they want to take sole responsibility but then they're overburdened and then they're angry as a result so it's a really tricky scenario for them yeah knowing what you know and what you studied and what you've heard from men and women in relationships and what you've heard from moms even though you're not a mom yet what is it that you think you need to take responsibility for to set yourself up for healthy conscious love with a with a part but also as a mom so you're not resentful you're not lonely you're not angry at your partner what do you think you get to work on for yourself I think in order to be that Mom that's present and able to sooe that child you have to ensure that there are no wounds within yourself that you're going to project onto that child or require your husband to feel for you um when you still got these unmet wounds what will happen is you'll either Molly cuddle and over kind of attach protect overprotect not allow them to experience emotion project your fears onto them and say oh don't touch this everything's scary or you will neglect one or the other and both of them are equally damaging you're either passing on anxiety or you're passing on avoidance and you know distance so I think until you heal those wounds as much as you might want to be a m myself included it's better to reserve it to a time where you can do that child Justice because we always can't redo their childhood what's the part of you that feels like there's something that I'm still holding on to I get to heal I get to transform I get to process so that you can step into motherhood one day yeah of being you know the best mom you can be God willing I think when I am around children what I learn why I love them so so much it's the only environment where I don't feel judged because children don't really judge you they just kind of like use you play and stuff and I remember being around 21 years old and going to like a kids party and just having the time of my life with these four-year-olds and they must have thought I was like some kind of I need to be on a register of some sort because I was just so obsessed with them but because I'm always felt so judged and rejected I always felt almost really at home with children really loved and a at home with children and I didn't want to kind of make that the responsibility of having a child for me to feel cushioned and for me to feel at home and for me to feel like I've got an insurance policy for an emotional connection for the rest of my life so I think now that I've been out into the real world I think in a way it's been really healing cuz I've learned that I actually am maybe not as bad as I think I am and I'm not as hated as I think I'm actually really appreciated and therefore I don't need to rely on this child to heal a wound that they didn't create interesting God willing right got if I become a mom God willing this has been really inspiring s I'm grateful for your your your conversation no and I like I said to you earlier I'm so so grateful that you've provided Society with an alternative to Netflix an alternative to TV it's just so impressive and you're doing such a service to so many people by providing them an alternative so I really really appreciate this opportunity I appreciate it yeah we you know we've got a great team that's doing a lot of the effort and the work behind the scenes to make this possible and um yeah this is this has been inspiring how can we be of service to you today how can we support you where can we follow you where would we like to direct people more about if they're loving this conversation how can they get more from you um I still do one to one so at Saadia psychology on Instagram YouTube and Tik Tok still do oneto ones I also have a patreon if you have a quick question you want to ask me I'm always available and I put all of my extended content on there and yeah you can just pretty much see me on most people's Tik Tok feeds unfortunately I'm so so sorry I keep popping up even I get annoyed I see my face and I'm like oh God go away so I do apologize I happen to be everywhere but unfortunately you'll probably see me in most places great you should be everywhere unfortunately so yeah so thank you again so much for the opportunity of course uh Sadia psychology on Instagram is it Sadia psychology.com as well yeah on my my um my website your website S psychology.com as well you're on YouTube also I'm sure you'll have a lot more stuff coming out in the future uh this is a question I ask everyone towards the end called the three truths okay so imagine a hypothetical scenario you get to live as long as you want s but it's your last day on Earth mhm you have the family the kids the career the relationship everything you want happens right but for whatever reason all of your content has to go with you on your last day right so no one has access to this information or anything you ever create in the world but you get to leave behind a message with that shares your three lessons to the world your three truths what would those three truths be for you uh I would like to express my appreciation to God for creating a set of values that I could have never found by myself in the world that we live in today so had he not sent his message I would have been very lost um the other truth I would say is the importance of connection with family and children children are really really healing and important and if we don't nurture them unfortunately we create the members of societies we grow on to hate so nurture children as much as possible and practice self-control I always say practice self self-control is self-healing so if you can form way of practicing self-control I promise you it's an investment in your future self that you'll appreciate hey I love that um before I ask the final question stud I want to acknowledge you I know you're probably not going to like me now I hate this you're not going to like me maybe you don't want to come back on after this I'm your healing journey is going to you know start and continue when you allow love in when you allow compliments and acknowledgement in and so maybe it won't do it right now but I want to acknowledge you Sadia for uh your wisdom you know your experience the the challenges that you've been through and are still going through to be able to have a perspective that can share and support people and there's you know things that you said today that I think will help a lot of people open their eyes some things will land other things won't land yeah some things are going to resonate deeply and help people overcome a pain in their life and other things they may say that doesn't work for me yeah but either way I acknowledge you for getting out of your comfort zone um leaning into your confidence and and being consistent by sharing this information with others cuz it is making an impact so I really appreciate and acknowledge you and the only thing you're allowed to say is thank you thank you that was a struggle thank you and I was trying my hardest to believe in can you believe that my mind starts to believe that you you don't mean what you're saying as you're speaking isn't that terrible but I will work on that and I promise you when I when I see you again I will work work on this perfect that's your that's your homework that's my homework that's your exercise thank you so much I do appreciate that um okay s final question what's your definition of greatness um fulfilling your potential in whatever area that may be and not relying on highs to soothe your anxieties why do you think women cheat more than men um because they're in denial about the infidelity when they cheat they don't even label it as that when if a woman starts cheating what they lab as they label it as my husband's no longer satisfying me they won't even say I'm cheating they'll say my husband isn't satis they find a way to redirect and shift the ter ...
