Be Irresistible, Click Here What do we do when people still feel attacked when we share our feelings about our marriage? We remember...
What do we do when people still feel attacked when we share our feelings about our marriage? We remember, we can't change ...
so what do I do when my husband still feels attacked when I tell him my feelings in a healthy way how do I get my husband to change the short answer you can't let's close in prayer dear Lord why listen he's in charge of his own actions and reactions he makes choices just like you do that affect your relationship neither a positive or A negative way now of course there are things that we can all do to set us up for the best chance at healthy communication and healthy conflict resolution and repair and reconnection after a hurt or a tear in the bond but whether he accepts accountability or receives the opportunity to make things better instead of worse is completely his decision but here's how you know if you're on a path towards individual self-reflection and emotional maturity I made the mistake of making a video where I specifically told wives not to use blame or criticism in their communication with their husbands because it simply doesn't help anything boy was that well received got about 200 angry women in the comments telling me how she doesn't need to do anything different he does because remember he's the toxic one and if he wants to act like a baby then I'll treat him like a baby okay great talk and this is a great example of the pursuer distancer or anxious avoidant attachment Styles one person feels hurt and tries to read connect through closeness and communication which is great but they often don't have the tools to do so so they end up doing it with blame or shame or criticism which causes the avoidant to do what right they distance themselves even further they feel attacked they feel like you're calling them a failure so they defend and make excuses now the anxious person feels more hurt and more invalidated and more unheard their needs for closeness still aren't being met so they get louder and more critical and build up more resentment and get passive aggressive and blow up over something small and unrelated and lash out at them you don't care you never do this you always do that and the avoidant responds with kindness and empathy and repairs the hurt and the reason you're laughing is because that never happens does it no they're blindsided they have no idea what's going on and part of the problem with me not having self-awareness was that I wasn't aware of what was happening in my relationship so I labeled her as overly sensitive or making me out to be the bad guy and the cycle just goes round and round no one's actually being vulnerable and communicating from a place of self using when this happened I felt X and this is what I need to feel emotionally safe in this relationship in the future no one's taking accountability for how they might have been contributing to the negative conflict pattern that they find themselves in no one's Reaching Across the aisle and getting curious what's really going on here inside of you and inside of me what fears and triggers and needs are hidden in these reactions and I don't care which spouse you are this goes for both of you if you aren't doing everything on your side of the street to give your relationship the best chance at success then you aren't moving towards health or growth or maturity and you might be guilty of the same things they are just in a different way maybe your self-righteousness has blinded you well you're going to get some comments for that one and I look at the comments because I care about you and over and over again I see the same Trend I've asked my husband to do X Y and Z for my I've asked him to care about my needs I've told him how hurt I was in a nice way and he dismisses me he feels like he's attacked he blames me and he tells me it's not his problem what should I do now what should you do I mean I had one woman tell me that she's been asking her husband to prioritize her needs for 10 years and he refuses here's a question ladies if this was your best friend what did what advice would you give her uh just give it some more time I'm sure he'll come around I feel like this is your year just stay in that relationship where you feel neglected and abandoned no of course not but we have to be careful here because it's way easier to point the finger at them the immature person blames them for the situations that we find ourselves in the immature person says I don't need to change anything because they're the problem right so I figured out the problem here uh it's you the mature person assesses the whole situation what did I do if anything to contribute to this Dynamic that's not saying how are you responsible for being neglected don't hear me say that you're never responsible for neglect or abuse but the mature person asks am I doing everything to place myself in environments where connection and growth and closeness are even possible I mean have you ever asked that is closeness an emotional connection possible with your current partner the mature person asks why am I in a relationship with someone who neglects me and that triggers a lot of people and they deflect oh so it's all my fault now everything's my responsibility in this relationship isn't it funny how when you feel like you're being attacked it's Justified but when your husband feels that way well he's toxic I'm not saying he's right I'm just saying he feels as right as you do right now here's my advice for you you just told me you've tried everything you say he won't go to counseling he just blames me he mocks me he invalidates me when I bring up a hurt or a feeling let's assume you are doing everything in a healthy and mature way and he doesn't talk he stonewalls you he doesn't take any accountability or responsibility nothing's ever his fault he dismisses you tells you you shouldn't feel that way your feelings aren't his problem right all right I'm going to make this super easy I'm going to answer about a thousand comments all at once okay here we go what you just described is incompatible with relational success that's it is your goal relational success because you know as well as I do it won't be found in your current Dynamic everything you described as poison to everything a relationship needs to survive that was true when he started doing it years ago and it's still true today if he refuses to move in your direction then you have to decide are you comfortable staying in a relationship with someone who doesn't care to meet your legitimate needs and for how much longer are you worth someone prioritizing I believe you are do you believe you are I'm not saying you're the reason you're being neglected I'm simply saying continuing to do the same things isn't going to result in any change our healthy communication and kindness and consideration and mutual respect deal breakers for your relationship I believe they are but from what I'm seeing you might not because he's been neglecting them for years now you've been having the same fights for years now what's going to change anything I believe you're valuable I believe you're worthy of respect and kindness and consideration and thoughtfulness and compassion and curiosity and selflessness and sacrifice do you believe you're worthy of those things do you know the easiest way to tell watch what happens when you don't receive them in your most important relationship yes I want them to change I'm doing everything I can to get men to change but you teach people how to treat you and I hear the desperation and hopelessness and anger and fear in your comments but sometimes I also hear the immaturity I hear some shame see Guilt says I did something bad but shame says I'm bad do you know why people in dating relationships allow their partner to neglect them because deep down they don't believe they're worth prioritizing am I saying this is all your fault absolutely not I'm saying it takes two for a relationship to work one two it takes two for a relationship to work trust isn't built when only one person is emotionally reliable connections isn't built when only one person feels connected closeness isn't felt when someone consistently hurts you intimacy will never happen when neglect is chronic or unrepaired it's like rolling a canoe on one side even if you're doing the healthy mature things that you need to do it's still going to go nowhere how do you get him to row you ask him to pick up the paddle and when he doesn't you have to decide are you okay with a relationship going nowhere because your relationship has a Direction all of ours do you can do your part to give it the best chance at going forward by picking up your paddle through self-awareness and emotional maturity and selflessness but you can't row for the other half of this marriage at the end of the day you know this you don't have a relationship with him do you know what they call it when there's a relationship where one person gives and the other person only takes a parasite that's essentially what you're expressing in these comments so I'm in a relationship with a parasite how can I turn him into a selfless Giver only counseling will help that because you're worthy to be prioritized you are valuable you aren't needy for needing healthy communication and conflict resolution and for your desires to be acknowledged and prioritized to feel close to someone that doesn't make you needy that makes you human and it's the bare minimum of what any healthy relationship requires your anger is telling you something it's the part of you that cares about you it's saying this isn't okay I deserve and need better that's great have you told him yep okay what happened he said he doesn't care okay what are you gonna do now allow him to take advantage of me because I don't feel like I'm valuable enough to hold them accountable also I might complain in Jimmy's comments no some of you need to tell yourself out loud this isn't sustainable because it's not you're afraid to break up out of fear of being alone you're already alone in this relationship and I'm not telling everyone to go get divorces I'm not that kind of guy because I've seen how healing can take place I'm not saying it's time to leave that relationship permanently but I am saying it's not going to work unless something changes because you are in a shell of a relationship there's no depth there and you know that your legitimate needs aren't getting met you don't feel valued or prioritized talking only ends in more distance and disconnection that's not a relationship and it's not sustainable and you need to admit that out loud to him I can't stay in a relationship where I don't feel valued where my needs for closeness or emotional safety are being neglected and whether you're doing it unintentionally or not doesn't matter at this point and then you tell him so are you leaving or are we going to counseling together because I love you and I'm willing to fight for this thing not fight with you anymore but fight for us but I'm not going to fight alone ...
