When you think about the qualities found in a true “soul mate” relationship, what word appears most often at the top of your list? IS IT C...
When you think about the qualities found in a true “soul mate” relationship, what word appears most often at the top of your list?
IS IT CHEMISTRY? Probably.
Just the mention of this term evokes powerful feelings and images for anyone who has ever been in or sought out a love relationship. It is often described as a feeling that leaves you breathless, excited, and weak in the knees. Palms sweat, heart races, and body tingles with nervous anticipation.
Virtually everyone believes that true love cannot exist without chemistry. Therefore, the conclusion most prospective lovers come to is that if they experience these intense feelings for someone, they have the foundation for an ideal, long-lasting relationship.
Right? Maybe not. Because this definition of chemistry is limited to one’s physical response to another person. It lacks a whole dimension that resides in our values, beliefs, personalities and worldview.
To know you have the right connection with a potential (or existing) partner, it’s important to have a basic understanding of what real chemistry is all about, rather than just embracing the myths surrounding it. This can be difficult to do. This intense physical passion is what Oscar-winning movies and best-selling books are made of. So, take a step back for a minute and see if you recognize yourself in the following.
Sarah is a very attractive and successful thirty-something professional woman. She has a relationship of more than a year with a man who is unfaithful, disrespectful and incapable (which he doesn’t want) to commit to her. Yet when he makes late-night “booty calls,” forgets her birthday, or repeatedly stands her up, she remains available and willing, despite her general unhappiness and her upset over the “relationship of her” of her. Why? “I think I’ve confused good sex with love. I feel this intense chemistry and physical intimacy when we have sex, even though he doesn’t offer me anything else. Over time, it has left me unhappy and feeling bad about myself.”
John is an attractive, intelligent man in his 30s who owns his own successful business. He is dating a woman he thinks he is in love with. He knows that she has dated other men. He cancels dates and is often critically and emotionally distant. He refuses to talk about commitment or taking the relationship to the next level. However, he turns to John for emotional, physical, and financial help whenever he feels he needs it. Why does John keep seeing her? “She’s beautiful and the sex is great. We have such strong physical chemistry. It’s almost like an addiction for me. My friends can’t stand her and even I know she’s not really a ‘keeper’ but it’s hard to walk away.”
These cartoons are excellent examples of how physical chemistry can be confused with reality. The attraction on one level is strong, but these are not relationships that have the right elements to become happy, fulfilling partnerships.
So what is missing?
Kahlil Gibran defines it as “spiritual affinity”. It is the hidden element of chemistry. It is when two beings meet and connect on a deeper level. It can only be felt in the heart and soul. It’s about friendship, respect, humor, and the feelings of warmth and contentment that come from being in their presence.
People often report finding one without the other. This is understandably a cause of great frustration and confusion about who we should elect and why. To understand this better, it helps to know how and when each facet of chemistry occurs.
Physical attraction (or lust) usually begins during our first contact with someone. It may DEVELOP into something more over time, but there is some attraction to it early on. The chemical that results from this attraction (and intensifies it) is phenylethylamine, or PEA. It is a natural substance in the brain. Essentially, it is a natural amphetamine. It stimulates us and increases both physical and emotional energy. The attraction causes us to produce more PEA, which translates into those dizzy feelings associated with romantic love. Another substance that PEA releases is dopamine. This chemical increases the desire to be physically close and intimately connected.
When these chemicals are secreted in larger doses, they send signals from the brain to other organs in the body. If you’re wondering why you or someone else is attracted to the “wrong” person, it may be because you have a strong physical response to these substances, which overwhelm your ability to use your head and exercise “good judgment and common sense.”
“Spirit affinity” develops over time and repeated contact. When these feelings start to arise, the brain produces endorphins. These are more like morphine and result in an increased sense of calm which reduces anxiety and helps build attachment. As relationships move into this phase, they are characterized by increased comfort, commitment, and friendship.
Generally speaking, all “soulmate relationships” require at least some measure of each of these. The important thing to remember is that they come in stages, which is not to say that physical attraction disappears as one moves toward a deeper connection. However, it changes. We cannot hold those intense emotions as we travel down the path of commitment and a shared life. However, in healthy relationships such moments of intensity can and do occur for brief intervals on and off.
Remember not to confuse great sex or deep friendship with romantic love. Instead, look for a measure of both of your feelings for each other. Because then you have the ingredients that lasting love is made of.
It's a healthful record and many of the pieces of substance in the production are extremely insightful – especially ones who are looking for it. It's well handwritten, encompassing and not imitative. Outlaw Bauer is of direction excavation conversant almost this soul and you can learn a attribute or two straight if your relationship is sailing unfurrowed:
