We can call my husband N, he has been a very understanding father with several children, including foster children from difficult situations...
We can call my husband N, he has been a very understanding father with several children, including foster children from difficult situations.
If it matters, he’s the type of person who would rather try to calm someone down and take hits than fight back and risk hurting someone. One of our children is R, she is not a troublemaker but she has a mean streak, she is reckless and instigating (playful). Our main character, the son in question, is J. Background: We did not raise J. Short story, he was a surrogate made by my husband and I for another couple, J suffered physical and emotional abuse from his mother and abandonment from his father, as well like the trauma of his adoptive parents’ marital problems, and when he was 13 we adopted him again. He was welcomed into the family as were his brothers who are roughly the same age, a 17-year-old. Within a month he was very close to me. He doesn’t talk to anyone except me and sometimes he talks or draws pictures for the therapists/N when I’m there. He has a history of scratching/biting/worst himself. He is clingy with a history of abandonment issues. We mostly have squat toilets and there are a few cases where J went by himself and left feces next to the toilet, and after I assumed it was an accident, and soon assumed it was for attention, I cleaned it up and didn’t mention it. , and he stopped. For a while he wore guards on his pants. Sometimes he does not take a shower, I wash him or he washes himself if I sit near. He some days he wants to sleep with me or he sleeps on the floor of the room next to my place in bed. There have been a few incidents that affected him, one worth mentioning is: N’s mother and sister tried to help when J was 14, we took him there on weekends several times so he could rest from his brothers . . N’s mother gradually disowned J because after a while here he didn’t wear average clothes, he’s all black, he didn’t eat, he hurt himself and eventually he started breaking things and once bit her hand. Over time N’s mother moved to Korea hours away and my sister doesn’t visit me like she used to for unrelated reasons, I think J got the impression it was because of him, he didn’t handle the change well, breaking his toys. him cutting his clothes, destroying the office we don’t use. J goes to work with me or sits at home with me, and he’s good. There are times when I couldn’t take him where I was going and I slowly introduce him to the babysitter, whom he was initially nice to or just hiding, but eventually made her uncomfortable due to biting and scratching, vomiting after eating and urinating. in his pants, eating things like wallpaper, emptying shelves and fridges and bins. The school was not a success as after I got him into the building and out he either collapsed or ran after me and on the few occasions we managed to make it work he kept running away and hiding from his teacher eventually trying to attack his teacher. a teacher. and they suspended it, so from there we decided to remove it. We tutor at home in intervals, I teach or he plays computer games, he has difficulty reading, much of his communication is Korean hangul because it is a very simple system, he did not cooperate with speech or writing therapists but he enjoys reading with me. He has no friends, sometimes I take him to public places, no interactions. There is no proper interaction with the family. We have tried so many things. We are not in the US, if this matters, one problem is not accessing healthcare. He’s seen a couple of therapists and a counselor, but other than a few words and pictures, he’s not very cooperative. He is currently not seeing anyone because we are going to find a different therapist. Both of his therapists so far have recommended sports to him, he has played tennis and a few other things but he will only do them with me, there was a soccer program where the coach would allow me to attend practices and coach games, although that was not the case. . It lasted a long time; as well as any other activities that we would do as a family or things like playing with Barbies, he will only do them if he is very close to me or if we are alone, it is more of a bond than him letting off steam and learning discipline. He was on sleep and anxiety medication, had negative side effects that outweighed the benefits, so we took a break from trial and error. He did an exam and a scan, which found some brain damage, luckily no tumor. He did very well in art therapy for a week, and then he stopped cooperating, and on his last day he almost destroyed his office, what stopped him was that she lost her temper and he was crying. I had J do chores to pay for those supplies, we wrote an apology letter, he felt bad not for her but because I was upset. He’s barely around his siblings or N willingly unless I’m around them and he’s with me. I’ve tried to develop a relationship between them, but I’m not going to force it. She refuses that you and I are with N. She doesn’t listen to N. I am the one who makes him eat or do anything. With his siblings, any interaction tends to be superficial or negative. He once drew a cute drawing of his sister, sometimes he draws pictures of fish, circles, a car, the sky, but sometimes he scribbles. There are times when we go out as a family, we watch family movies, I read to all our kids what J especially doesn’t like, he has been crying and biting himself. As for most situations with N: N was the one who initially tried to teach Korean hangul as a native and tried to bond, J refused and destroyed the paper so I took over. J generally ignores it. A few times J has communicated in the vicinity of N drawing a sky or other basic things, otherwise scribbling on papers until it’s a dark torn mess, and getting a blackboard J started drawing black all over parts. There was a time when he urinated in his monkey in front of N and when N helped, he got defensive. Sometimes, since J was 16 years old, N and I started searching and confiscating sharp pencils, sharp palettes, keys, scissors, lighter; Along with this, there are also times when he starts cutting his clothes while on him or refuses to get dressed or gets makeup/marker/poop on it, so we started putting him in overalls. Every time we put a jumpsuit on him, he bit and slapped N every time. One time, N went to check on J while I was sleeping and found that he had thrown up on himself, the monkey urinated and when N went to help, J climbed on a shelf mounted in our closet and nearly kicked in N’s door. he kept it closed with his feet. So far he has been in a jumpsuit for 2 weeks straight, he wears slippers all day and only takes them off at night, let me wash his hair and let me bathe him a few times. J seems to instigate reasons for having to defend himself, for example acting so that N will grab him or try to calm him down and then bite/squeeze him. He has sometimes pushed N away or been pushed between N and me. A few days ago, N and I were joking, he moved me like you hit your knee when you laugh, and this made J furious; J grabbed him aggressively and calmed the situation down, but I could see it in his eyes, a 180° change in his person, like possession. He has these changes more often now, sometimes without rhyme or reason, I’m still trying to figure out what he’s triggering. In the past two months, J has had 180 with his siblings, physically accosted them and thrown things at them, or instigated situations where he would have to defend himself; he’s only happened a few times and he’s not built enough to hurt them, but as inappropriate as that already is, we’re sure he’ll escalate to the point where he’s hurting himself or someone. Anytime he has these changes, I can turn them off by saying no or by wrapping my arms around him and pulling him back, he’ll stop moving entirely. I will add that some of these scenarios or several collapses have ended with him on the floor or collapsing on the furniture or my arms or N’s arms, not responding or shaking and foaming at the mouth. A month ago he had a fight with his R’s sister, most likely R started or enabled it. It was mostly a confrontation, then he hit her and pinned her down. I called a friend of mine who is an officer, I had to hold J to let the officer speak. We discuss J and agree that in the next incident there will be action against J, whatever is necessary. However, there is a temper or threat, but there is no tangible damage or risk of injury. There’s not much they can or will do except come talk. I spoke to R and she is understanding. While the changes keep happening, including once a physical threat to the neighbor, that’s the only struggle. But I know he is capable and it is, if not one day, he will be willing Instead, the fire. J loves fire. There was a period when we had campfires, and at the time his fascination with fire seemed like just curiosity, trying to cook on the fire, trying to warm himself on the fire, but in hindsight he looks very different. On a piece of paper and cardboard, he began to draw spikes that we imagine as fire, something that we imagine as burning cars. About a year ago, something caught fire in the microwave, it burned. It was interesting to him. He recently got burned again and it was even more interesting this time, this time he seemed to enjoy it. Like I said, we’ve taken lighters and they’ve gone from being a no no item that a teenager would probably only have to being rebellious and it became him wanting to use them, using them on grass torn up from the ground. and papers and food and plastic, whatever experimental objects you find and smuggle. I’ve found burn marks on his hand and one on his face. We don’t know where he’s getting the lighters from, we don’t have any lighters in our house sitting around, we’ve had utility lighters in our kitchen, craft room, and attic, and have since removed them all from the house and with the help of my brother they searched our house and also searched outside.
We close our garage, we try the kitchen that has an electric stove. We’ve got damage to his bed and a few other places, marks that are too deep or sharp to be fingernails, and there’s a mark that appears to be from a hot knife and some similar marks.
We installed a camera and they destroyed it. We have another camera, we found footage of him standing there, sometimes staring into the camera, sometimes standing there like he was confused or waiting for something. We moved his bed into our room and locked him in with us. I recently caught J outside with a stick, on fire. I don’t know what I was going to do with it or how it got there initially, but I stopped it and we haven’t had any incidents since.
We’ll do another scan soon. It’s going to be a long trip. The other children will be with my brother and sister and it will be just the three of us. I will probably have updates in the next few days or months, I hope not. Just thought I’d stop by and do a round, hopefully get some advice from someone who has experienced something similar, possibly if someone else needs a person to resonate with. Apart from the brothers and sisters who now have lives of their own,
I have no one to turn to and this includes family history. It’s gotten to a point where I’m arguing with my husband, which I didn’t think was possible because we’ve always been able to compromise like best friends and he’s been sailing until recently. We are worried about J and each other, about our other children and about life.
We’re in a culture that’s pretty open, it’s normal for kids to stay in the family even as adults or no matter what’s going on, and especially with his situation, we don’t want to abandon him somewhere where they’re going to lock him up. . — **tl;dr**: Not sure what to put here. Our son has had a very difficult past and now he has behaved badly and he is an arsonist, over time we have done what we want.
We can call my husband N, he has been a very understanding father with several children, including foster children from difficult situations. If it matters, he’s the type of person who would rather try to calm someone down and take hits than fight back and risk hurting someone.
One of our children is R, she is not a troublemaker but she has a mean streak, she is reckless and instigating (playful). Our main character, the son in question, is J. Background: We did not raise J. Short story, he was a surrogate made by my husband and I for another couple, J suffered physical and emotional abuse from his mother and abandonment from his father, as well like the trauma of his adoptive parents’ marital problems, and when he was 13 we adopted him again. He was welcomed into the family as were his brothers who are roughly the same age, a 17-year-old. Within a month he was very close to me. He doesn’t talk to anyone except me and sometimes he talks or draws pictures for the therapists/N when I’m there. He has a history of scratching/biting/worst himself. He is clingy with a history of abandonment issues. We mostly have squat toilets and there are a few cases where J went by himself and left feces next to the toilet, and after I assumed it was an accident, and soon assumed it was for attention, I cleaned it up and didn’t mention it. , and he stopped. For a while he wore guards on his pants. Sometimes he does not take a shower, I wash him or he washes himself if I sit near. He some days he wants to sleep with me or he sleeps on the floor of the room next to my place in bed. There have been a few incidents that affected him, one worth mentioning is: N’s mother and sister tried to help when J was 14, we took him there on weekends several times so he could rest from his brothers . . N’s mother gradually disowned J because after a while here he didn’t wear average clothes, he’s all black, he didn’t eat, he hurt himself and eventually he started breaking things and once bit her hand. Over time N’s mother moved to Korea hours away and my sister doesn’t visit me like she used to for unrelated reasons, I think J got the impression it was because of him, he didn’t handle the change well, breaking his toys. him cutting his clothes, destroying the office we don’t use. J goes to work with me or sits at home with me, and he’s good. There are times when I couldn’t take him where I was going and I slowly introduce him to the babysitter, whom he was initially nice to or just hiding, but eventually made her uncomfortable due to biting and scratching, vomiting after eating and urinating. in his pants, eating things like wallpaper, emptying shelves and fridges and bins. The school was not a success as after I got him into the building and out he either collapsed or ran after me and on the few occasions we managed to make it work he kept running away and hiding from his teacher eventually trying to attack his teacher. a teacher. and they suspended it, so from there we decided to remove it. We tutor at home in intervals, I teach or he plays computer games, he has difficulty reading, much of his communication is Korean hangul because it is a very simple system, he did not cooperate with speech or writing therapists but he enjoys reading with me. He has no friends, sometimes I take him to public places, no interactions. There is no proper interaction with the family. We have tried so many things. We are not in the US, if this matters, one problem is not accessing healthcare. He’s seen a couple of therapists and a counselor, but other than a few words and pictures, he’s not very cooperative. He is currently not seeing anyone because we are going to find a different therapist. Both of his therapists so far have recommended sports to him, he has played tennis and a few other things but he will only do them with me, there was a soccer program where the coach would allow me to attend practices and coach games, although that was not the case. . It lasted a long time; as well as any other activities that we would do as a family or things like playing with Barbies, he will only do them if he is very close to me or if we are alone, it is more of a bond than him letting off steam and learning discipline. He was on sleep and anxiety medication, had negative side effects that outweighed the benefits, so we took a break from trial and error. He did an exam and a scan, which found some brain damage, luckily no tumor. He did very well in art therapy for a week, and then he stopped cooperating, and on his last day he almost destroyed his office, what stopped him was that she lost her temper and he was crying. I had J do chores to pay for those supplies, we wrote an apology letter, he felt bad not for her but because I was upset. He’s barely around his siblings or N willingly unless I’m around them and he’s with me. I’ve tried to develop a relationship between them, but I’m not going to force it. She refuses that you and I are with N. She doesn’t listen to N. I am the one who makes him eat or do anything. With his siblings, any interaction tends to be superficial or negative. He once drew a cute drawing of his sister, sometimes he draws pictures of fish, circles, a car, the sky, but sometimes he scribbles. There are times when we go out as a family, we watch family movies, I read to all our kids what J especially doesn’t like, he has been crying and biting himself. As for most situations with N: N was the one who initially tried to teach Korean hangul as a native and tried to bond, J refused and destroyed the paper so I took over. J generally ignores it. A few times J has communicated in the vicinity of N drawing a sky or other basic things, otherwise scribbling on papers until it’s a dark torn mess, and getting a blackboard J started drawing black all over parts. There was a time when he urinated in his monkey in front of N and when N helped, he got defensive. Sometimes, since J was 16 years old, N and I started searching and confiscating sharp pencils, sharp palettes, keys, scissors, lighter; Along with this, there are also times when he starts cutting his clothes while on him or refuses to get dressed or gets makeup/marker/poop on it, so we started putting him in overalls. Every time we put a jumpsuit on him, he bit and slapped N every time. One time, N went to check on J while I was sleeping and found that he had thrown up on himself, the monkey urinated and when N went to help, J climbed on a shelf mounted in our closet and nearly kicked in N’s door. he kept it closed with his feet. So far he has been in a jumpsuit for 2 weeks straight, he wears slippers all day and only takes them off at night, let me wash his hair and let me bathe him a few times. J seems to instigate reasons for having to defend himself, for example acting so that N will grab him or try to calm him down and then bite/squeeze him. He has sometimes pushed N away or been pushed between N and me. A few days ago, N and I were joking, he moved me like you hit your knee when you laugh, and this made J furious; J grabbed him aggressively and calmed the situation down, but I could see it in his eyes, a 180° change in his person, like possession. He has these changes more often now, sometimes without rhyme or reason, I’m still trying to figure out what he’s triggering. In the past two months, J has had 180 with his siblings, physically accosted them and thrown things at them, or instigated situations where he would have to defend himself; he’s only happened a few times and he’s not built enough to hurt them, but as inappropriate as that already is, we’re sure he’ll escalate to the point where he’s hurting himself or someone. Anytime he has these changes, I can turn them off by saying no or by wrapping my arms around him and pulling him back, he’ll stop moving entirely. I will add that some of these scenarios or several collapses have ended with him on the floor or collapsing on the furniture or my arms or N’s arms, not responding or shaking and foaming at the mouth. A month ago he had a fight with his R’s sister, most likely R started or enabled it. It was mostly a confrontation, then he hit her and pinned her down. I called a friend of mine who is an officer, I had to hold J to let the officer speak. We discuss J and agree that in the next incident there will be action against J, whatever is necessary. However, there is a temper or threat, but there is no tangible damage or risk of injury. There’s not much they can or will do except come talk. I spoke to R and she is understanding. While the changes keep happening, including once a physical threat to the neighbor, that’s the only struggle. But I know he is capable and it is, if not one day, he will be willing Instead, the fire. J loves fire. There was a period when we had campfires, and at the time his fascination with fire seemed like just curiosity, trying to cook on the fire, trying to warm himself on the fire, but in hindsight he looks very different. On a piece of paper and cardboard, he began to draw spikes that we imagine as fire, something that we imagine as burning cars. About a year ago, something caught fire in the microwave, it burned. It was interesting to him. He recently got burned again and it was even more interesting this time, this time he seemed to enjoy it. Like I said, we’ve taken lighters and they’ve gone from being a no no item that a teenager would probably only have to being rebellious and it became him wanting to use them, using them on grass torn up from the ground. and papers and food and plastic, whatever experimental objects you find and smuggle. I’ve found burn marks on his hand and one on his face. We don’t know where he’s getting the lighters from, we don’t have any lighters in our house sitting around, we’ve had utility lighters in our kitchen, craft room, and attic, and have since removed them all from the house and with the help of my brother they searched our house and also searched outside.
We close our garage, we try the kitchen that has an electric stove. We’ve got damage to his bed and a few other places, marks that are too deep or sharp to be fingernails, and there’s a mark that appears to be from a hot knife and some similar marks. We installed a camera and they destroyed it. We have another camera, we found footage of him standing there, sometimes staring into the camera, sometimes standing there like he was confused or waiting for something.
We moved his bed into our room and locked him in with us. I recently caught J outside with a stick, on fire. I don’t know what I was going to do with it or how it got there initially, but I stopped it and we haven’t had any incidents since.
We’ll do another scan soon. It’s going to be a long trip. The other children will be with my brother and sister and it will be just the three of us. I will probably have updates in the next few days or months, I hope not. Just thought I’d stop by and do a round, hopefully get some advice from someone who has experienced something similar, possibly if someone else needs a person to resonate with. Apart from the brothers and sisters who now have lives of their own,
I have no one to turn to and this includes family history. It’s gotten to a point where I’m arguing with my husband, which I didn’t think was possible because we’ve always been able to compromise like best friends and he’s been sailing until recently.
We are worried about J and each other, about our other children and about life. We’re in a culture that’s pretty open, it’s normal for kids to stay in the family even as adults or no matter what’s going on, and especially with his situation, we don’t want to abandon him somewhere where they’re going to lock him up. . — **tl;dr**:
Not sure what to put here. Our son has had a very difficult past and now he has behaved badly and he is an arsonist, over time we have done what we want.
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